A Few Tears...

Wednesday, 19 Jun 2002

Do you want to bring a tear to a Mother's eye, okay more than one...just have someone mention your child's passing during their Baptism testimony. That's what happened tonight. I can't even begin to tell you what that means to me...but then again, that's just about what I'm about to do! :)

Again, another Wednesday night at church. I feel like I could title this "You just never know" again, but I won't. It was a beautiful evening with our service being held out on the front lawn of the church. The worship music was going, and in between, people who have accepted Christ as their Savior were being Baptized outdoors in the cool tank of water...it was cool too!! You could tell by their reactions to it!!

It was a special night because a friend was being baptized and also an old gentleman in a wheelchair was baptized. No, he didn't crawl into the tank! He sat in his wheelchair and gave his testimony from there and then Pastor Dave brought the water to him. What a wonderful testimony it was. This gentleman's daughter had accepted Christ 39 years ago and had been praying for her Dad ever since. A year and a half ago he accepted Christ, and now at the age of 89 years, he was being baptized. His daughter encouraged us all to keep praying!

There were probably about 20 people baptized tonight, most I didn't know. I had no idea what a special evening it would be!! A couple got into the tank together and began to give their testimony. As the man spoke about things in their lives I suddenly heard him mention Jim Shore, and their Friday morning Bible study group and how Jim had been there after the death of his son (Phil). That perked my ears right up!! Jim later told me how this man had joined their Bible study group on the Friday morning after Phil died. God's timing, for sure!

Phil's life had touched this man's life and they had never met. Phil's life and Jim's testimony had become a part of this man's testimony. As I stood their listening to this couple and watching them tell the world that Jesus was their Savior and knowing that Phil was a part of bringing them to this moment, I could not help but shed a few tears. Phil continued to live on through them, and now through the people that they will touch as they live out their lives for Christ. The ripple effect goes so far beyond what we can imagine.

To witness that tonight, was such an encouragement to me. I felt like Phil was watching over it all and happy to know that there would be two more in the kingdom of God, partly because of his life. I don't know how heaven works, none of us do, but maybe Phil got an extra portion of Turkey and Dressing tonight, or an extra big cheeseburger at the table of our Lord tonight for his part in these lives that have been transformed. Who knows....but I do know that it meant so much to me to see a tiny piece of the puzzle come together. A tiny piece in the grand scheme of things, but a huge piece in the lives of two who needed to know God's Son.

My son, now gone from us, lives on in others. Still touching others, still remembered even by those he never met. Yes, it brings a few tears of joy, that's for sure!!

Isn't that what we are all doing here? All helping to bring one another along as we journey through this life? Touching one another in ways we may never know, but in ways that could have an eternal effect on someone, somewhere? This couple also mentioned another friend of ours who went home June 6th after a long battle with cancer. She also touched their lives with her testimony, her faith. She is with Phil now, and so many others who have gone on before us but who continue to inspire us. These are other members of our church now dealing with loss and sadness. Who escapes it? No one! But how do we get through it? All so differently depending on who we depend on...

I was talking with a friend of mine last night and I was telling her what a difficult time I was having yesterday. She asked me if I knew why?... Because she knows, she's been through it. She said it is difficult because of the reality of it. That it becomes more and more obvious that Phil is not coming back. That it is really true. You may wonder how that could be? I mean, Phil has been gone for over seven months now...how could I not fully realize that? Believe me, there are days when I sit in my home and I look around and I think to myself...Did my son really get Leukemia? Did he really die? How could this have happened? Is he really not coming home? Don't these things just happen to other people? And the questions go on...

Reality? It takes awhile to fully sink in and when it does, as I believe it did with me about the 6 month mark, you realize that "holding on" with any strength of your own just won't work. I realized that this really was not going to be over tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. This is my life now. This is life without Phil, and if I am ever going to recover from it and heal from this loss, the only way is complete and total surrender to the Healer.

Phil's life does go on in others that have been touched by his experiences though, others who perhaps read what I write and are encouraged or inspired or brought closer to God by what has happened here, but the other side of that is that we have to learn to live without him. No one can take this pain out of our hearts, or this missing away but One. The One who knows, who understands and who sent His only Son to bind up the brokenhearted.

To see Phil's life go on in others means everything to us, because it shows us God's eternal plan. It shows us what one life can do. It shows us how God intricately ties our lives together for His purpose. He wants that none should be lost, and sometimes perhaps, that takes pain and hardships and struggles to bring us all closer to Him.

1 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
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All I know is that I don't want to waste this precious season of testing and drawing closer to God.  When God allowed Phil to go home and to be relieved of his suffering, God knew the season of our lives we were about to enter. He also has a very good reason for it, many reasons for it, and I know it is part of Him not wanting anyone to perish.

The other day I was watching a sermon and the preacher said that during a season in her life, she cried out to God, "This is killing me!", and God let her know that that was exactly what it was supposed to do....God was transforming her. I so related to what she said and it was so good to hear her voice it because I feel like crying out the same thing to God..."This is killing me!" It was good to hear that that was exactly what it was supposed to do.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
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I don't want to conform to the pattern of this world anymore. This world is a mess, you've seen it! Did you see the bombing in Israel today on TV? Are we going to put our hope and our trust in a world with such chaos? Are these the end times? Who knows? Only God, but my spiritual "bags" are going to be packed and ready to go! I don't want to be left behind!!

Today when I was out on my walk, I looked up into the beautiful blue sky and pictured it parting, just like a piece of cloth splitting in two, and Jesus being revealed behind the cloth. I thought to myself, how would I react? I felt like I would just drop to my knees, and weep, knowing it was finished!! Our time on earth had come to an end, Jesus had finally returned and there would be no more tears except for the ones that I would weep with Joy at His arrival! That is where our hope is. In His arrival here, whether we are alive or dead, we will all join up with Him for eternity.

Conform to this world? I don't think so. What does it offer without God? It makes no sense without God. It is just a piece of time that we spend here, and then die into nothingness, for nothing. How senseless is that?

There was a man Baptized tonight who said that a year and a half ago, he thought he'd just give Jesus a try. Just open his heart up to Him and see what was what. Guess what? Well, you already know, he wasn't disappointed because he stepped into the cool water tonight and publicly confessed his faith. Do you think he would have done that if he'd been disappointed?

Not that life is all peachy keen and rosy once you make that commitment. I'll be the first one to tell you that, with losing Phil, and if younger Jimm doesn't mind me telling you what happened to him the day he accepted Christ....the first thing that happened to him was that a 300 pound fly wheel ended up on his hand!! Youch! Do you think he'd made the devil mad?! But did he change his mind about Christ? No, and he's going to have an interesting testimony to tell because that was just the first of many things he's experienced in this last year.

People don't walk into cool water with tears in their eyes in front of a group of people and confess their faith in Christ because Christ is a disappointment. They do it because they have found Him to be true. No two stories are the same, no two lives are the same, but Christ is the same. Always!

Romans 10:9
- if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord,"
and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
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That's what happened tonight in that cool water. That's why I cried tears of joy...because Phil's life counted for something very important. Eternal importance. He impacted his dad's life, who impacted another man's life, who shared with a whole crowd of people who were then impacted, and so it goes. The ripple effect never ends, and when it's a God ripple, God gets the Glory forever and ever!

Good night Phil!
I hope you're enjoying an extra large cheeseburger in Paradise for a job well done!
Your mother feels very blessed tonight to have shared life with you!

Love, Diane