This Broken Heart

Wednesday, 03 Jul 2002

I have nothing to offer you God, except this broken heart...

I feel so inspired to write tonight, even though I just wrote to all of you. I hope you don't mind. I don't know what God has for me to write, but I am filled with His goodness and joy and I need a place to put it, so I'm here!

I just got home from church and Dave preached on trusting God tonight. Then there were some great conversations after the service about what we had heard.

I guess I don't just hear a message anymore, I guess it sinks in deep and becomes a part of my soul. I don't just hear the words, I eat them, I munch on them, I absorb them, I look for anything in them that might give me a clue as to how I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I don't just sing worship songs anymore, and let the words just sit there on the screen as I sing them. I see them in 3-D, as if God were speaking directly to me through them, or I to Him.

"Open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see You", says to me that even if I am blind, even if this world makes no sense to me, even if I am deaf to you Lord, open the eyes of my heart because I really want to see You. I really need to!!

The words, the sermon, the Scripture are my life's blood. The communion we celebrated tonight is God's promise of seeing Phil again. Jesus died, this is what He told us to do to remember Him. This is to remind us of what He did for us, by dying on the Cross for us. This is our eternity!!
I want it Lord, I want it!!

Call me a church fanatic, a Jesus freak, a Holy Roller, or whatever, but I'm there! I'm willing, and I want everything God has offered us in this life!

What do I have to offer Him?....nothing but this broken heart, if He will take it.

He seems to want it. It seems that He can use it, and it seems that in time, He will heal it. I'm counting on that. I'm clinging to the hope of Him binding up my broken heart. Of Him giving me a garment of Praise instead of a spirit of despair. Of anointing me with the oil of gladness.

Isaiah 61:1-2
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn
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I have shared that verse with you before, but it is worth repeating!! This is what it says Jesus came to do. I want it!! If He is willing to comfort me, then come on! I'm ready! If He can keep me out of the darkness, then set me free!! I need to hear this good news!

If this is all a bunch of malarkey, then let me know now, and I won't waste my time!! Lord, help me in my unbelief!!  (Mark 9:24) If you don't think that I wonder sometimes, you're wrong. Of course I do. Of course there are times when I think about how crazy this all seems, a God we seemingly can't see, sending His only Son some 2,000 years ago to die for our sins on a cross, born to a virgin in a stable, and living a perfect life. Okay, sure...how am I supposed to really believe this stuff? But I do! I do! Because I have taken that step of faith and asked God to show me, and He has. I didn't understand it any better than anybody else who has not taken that step, but I was willing to way back when, and it is what I cling to all these years later.

There is a song I was listening to yesterday and it talks about having one foot in the water, and one foot in the sand. Let me go get it...la la la...I'm listening to it now...

"You have to make a decision, you have to take a stand.
You can't have one foot in the water, and one foot in the sand."
(By 4Him)

I believe this is talking about the story in the Bible about taking that step into the Jordan river when God stopped the water from flowing so they could cross the river. It didn't stop flowing until they took that step into the water.

Joshua 3:15
Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests
who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge,
the water from upstream stopped flowing.
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If I am going to stand here with one foot in the water and the other in the sand, then I'm not going to get anywhere. By taking that step of faith and seeing God working in my life, I need to go ahead and cross the river, knowing that God is with me. Standing here and being indecisive is not going to get me anywhere!! I need to keep moving, keep going, keep following Him! He has brought me this far, He's not going to let me down, so I need to fully trust in that and go with it!

How do you get to that point where you can totally surrender to God, completely and absolutely? Is the only way, to have your heart so totally broken that you have no other choice? Perhaps it is! And if it is, then I'm there. I don't have another choice. If God doesn't heal this pain, then it won't heal. I won't recover. It will be covered up by time and other things, but it won't heal. This is too big. This is too devastating. This is the ultimate in trusting God with what is most precious! And He has not let me down yet!

I'm not saying there's not work involved. I believe I have to do my part. I have to use my God tools, I might call them. I have to know when to pull out what tool and apply it to the situation, but I think that is coming along nicely. I am learning to use them. When I am distressed, I find the tool that brings me peace, when I am hurting I find the tool that brings me pain relief....what are these tools? They may be different for different people, but mine are what I have mentioned in earlier e-mails. Walks with worship music, prayer, Bible reading, church sermons, setting boundaries, crying, grief groups, writing and/or expressing my feelings, quiet, etc...Whatever I need, whatever is called for, I pull it out and use it!! And I find relief. I am getting much better at reading my emotions and knowing what it is I am needing and using it. My part is seeking God in different forms of prayer and worship, His part is all the rest. He does the healing, I just need to show up!

I heard that verse today, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened, ask and it will be given...I used to be so confused about what that meant. I thought it meant riches or gold or new cars or something. I thought if I asked, it would be given to me. Well it will, but it's not what I thought. Now it means to me that if I search for God in my need, He will always be found. If I knock on His door, He will always answer and be there for me. If I ask Him for what I am needing emotionally, He will not fail me. There will be tough times and times when I struggle, for sure, but in the end, God will rescue me. He will be my refuge, if I don't stop short of seeking, knocking and asking.

Bottom line is what Dave preached about tonight I believe. Trusting God with a child-like faith. It can't all make sense, it never will. I don't care if I buried my head in the Bible for the rest of my life and never came up for air, I would never find all the answers as to why Phil had to die at age 16! They're not in there, at least not spelled out in the way that I might deem necessary...they really are in there. It's all in the trust. In the verses that explain that God knows best, that He will use what seems horrible for something good, and He has a perfect plan for our lives, even if we don't like it. I can fight against that for the rest of my life, and where will it get me? Nowhere but frustrated, so what do I do with that? I trust. I trust. I trust. And if my faith starts to waver and I have difficulty with that trust, I pray for help in my unbelief, and go back to trusting.

I'm not an idiot...okay, I'm not a genius either! HA I question all the things you question, I want answers, I want to see God like anyone else but what do I do with the fact that I won't get all the answers I want or that I won't see God until my time on this earth is through? I can't just say oh well, then I'm not going to believe in Him because He won't do what I want Him to. Why can't I? Because what's left of me won't survive like that! I hurt too much. I miss too much! I am devastated beyond what words can describe in a thousand pages, and I need comfort. God offers that, and I feel it. I want more of it and I will keep going after it and allowing Him to do that for me. Why? Because it works!! Show me a better way, and I'll listen. I'm showing you mine.

If you've read down this far, I thank you! :)

Dave said after service tonight that it is like trying to describe Jerusalem to someone who has never been there, who has never felt the sand between their toes. (I hope you don't mind your part in this e-mail tonight Dave!) He said that there is just no way of knowing what it is like unless you have actually been there.

You can't know what I feel, unless you have walked in my shoes. You can't know my devastation and need of comfort unless you have felt a loss like I have. I wouldn't want you to know, but I just have the need to share with you what a mighty God we have, and how very much we can truly trust Him for all our needs! He does not disappoint...we disappoint ourselves when we stop short of accepting all that He is offering to us. We are the ones who pull away, He never does. We are the ones who stop looking in His direction, His eyes are always on us. We are the ones who make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. We are our own worst enemies.

Another song I listen to says:

Save me from me, when my own hands pull me under.
Save me, from me, your patience fills me with wonder."
(Jason Ingram)

When we resist God, we need to be saved from ourselves. We are falling into the enemy's hands, and nothing makes him happier! I go back to God even when the devil tells me it won't help, because it always does help. Don't let the devil's lie stop you! Keep on going after all God has offered us, He's waiting for you!

As you can see, I was full of thoughts tonight, and now I'll be able to sleep better! :)
I hope you will!

Love, Diane