Do You Wonder?

Sunday, 14 Jul 2002

Do you wonder what they're going to say about you after you're gone? Don't we all kind of think of that from time to time? What will my "eulogy" be like? Will they speak kindly about me, and will the group gathered snicker because they know what we were really like, or will they nod their heads in agreement about how much we actually did touch their lives? Will our children stand and say we loved them, no matter what? That we were there for them, no matter what! That we showed them how much God loves them by how much we loved them? Will those gathered who may not have known us well, wish they had? Will they come away wanting to be a better person, wanting to have faith like the one who is now gone from this earth, or will those that have gathered leave the service unimpressed?

You may think you are too young to think about your own mortality, but just from reading my e-mails, you know that you are never too young, since Phil was only 16. Today, the friend we said good-bye to was only 46. I hope she wouldn't mind that I share her age, but I'm struck by her age because she was born exactly two days after Jim. In March of 1956. She was young. Too young to be leaving this earth and her friends and family behind, but she did. And they spoke about her today and from what they said, the hole that will be left is a BIG one! One that will not quickly be filled in by time and life, but one that will affect the rest of their lives, my life, all our days on this earth.

I had the enormous privilege of sitting with Lynn for an hour on Tuesday, June 4, 2002. I say an enormous privilege because it was a very meaningful hour that I feel was a gift from God, and within about 36 hours, Lynn left for "home". The phone rang in our house on Thursday morning, June 6 at 7:00 a.m. Jim came into our bedroom and said that Dave (Lynn's husband) just called. I looked at him and said, "Lynn died, didn't she?". He said she had.

I can't say I was shocked, because I wasn't. But what I can say is that I felt so blessed and thankful to have just sat with her, to have just learned a little bit more about this wonderful woman, and to have heard about her life and her step-children and her husband and her hobbies and her garden and many other things. I feel it is a tremendous blessing that God brought our lives together at all, let alone to bring us together in her final days so that we could connect that one last time before she went home. Lynn and I were not close friends, we were new friends brought together by our love for the Lord, and her illness and Phil's. She and her husband have prayed for us through our trials and we have prayed for them. They watched as Phil suffered through his fight with cancer, as we watched as Lynn struggled with hers. They watched as Phil moved from walking into church to riding into church in his wheel-chair. We watched as Lynn moved from riding in her wheel-chair into church, to walking and back to her wheel-chair. We watched one another and we hugged one another and we prayed for one another and we will continue to do so, now that Lynn and Phil have left us. I feel so blessed to have sat with Lynn right before she went "home", knowing that when she got to heaven, she could tell Phil she had just seen his mom and she is doing fine. I feel like God gave me the gift of spending that time with her, to help comfort me in my grief. And maybe, just maybe, God gave Lynn a gift too. I don't know what she felt as we visited, I don't know what she was thinking or why God called me to her house on that day, but someday I will. And someday I will find out if my visit perhaps helped her to make that final journey. Was she watching me more closely on that day? Was she being comforted to see me smile, to see me continue on living my life after having lost Phil, knowing that soon her husband Dave may have to continue living on without her? I don't know, and I won't know her side of our visit until we meet again, but I will never forget my side of that final visit. It will always be one of the greatest blessings in my life. To have met Lynn, to have spent time with Lynn, and to have been there at the end to say good-bye to her until we meet again was such a gift.

Today as those that knew her best spoke about her, it made me want to be a better person. It made me want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Some may not know what that is, so I will quote a bit of it for you here:

Proverbs 31:10,11,17,18,20,25
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life... She is energetic and strong, a hard worker... She watches for bargains; her lights burn late into the night... She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy... She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is much more, but that will give you an idea for now. Does this sound too good to be true? For most of us it does, but that is how Lynn was described today by those who knew her best. They weren't painting a picture of someone they made up, they were describing a picture of Lynn. I think she would have loved it, but mostly I think I know what she would have loved. She would have loved that she was described as a Godly woman, a woman of great faith, a woman who never faltered in her love for God and His goodness, a woman who wanted everyone to know about her Father in heaven. And now that she is there with Him, she would have put a zillion exclamation points after that I'm sure, because she would want us all to know how wonderful it is to meet God face to face!

Lynn was not a woman without trials in her life, we learned that today. She had plenty of reasons to complain and turn away from God because life was perhaps "too hard" and she had been dealt a bad hand, but she never did that. I did not know her long, but I knew her when she was about to cross over that finish line, and she was still running strong!! Very strong!

Lynn's battle and faith comforts me in another way, and I hope it is okay if I share that with you here...for so many years we prayed for Phil to be healed, and we believe that God can heal. Lynn also prayed for God's healing, and she believed that she would be healed. She never gave up the fight and she never gave up her hope in God's healing power. Well...as you all know, Phil went home even after all the prayers that were said for him. I believe Phil was healed minutes before he left this earth and I have shared what he said with all of you, but he still left this earth. He still left his mom behind to go on without him, and that is TOUGH, and I am human. It bothers me. I wanted to see him healed on this earth and continue on for many years to come preferably, long after I left this earth. I mean that is only right, I'm older! :) But that was not to be so with Phil, and I sometimes question if my faith was not enough, if Jim's was not enough, if Phil's was not enough. And so I watched Lynn, and I prayed for Lynn, and I watched Lynn's faith never waver and I knew that if anyone's faith could bring about healing, her's could. But it didn't. God took her home. And as much as I am saddened by that, I am comforted, because I know that God has a perfect plan and a reason for all things, and I trust in Him all the more having known Lynn because she reassured me that we don't always know why, and we won't, but that trusting God is what's most important. Some people are miraculously healed on this earth, like my sister-in-law's best friend from Lupus, but some people are not, and it's not a matter of not having enough faith, but it's a matter of trusting God no matter what.

An interesting thing was said at the service today by a friend of Lynn's. She said something to this effect, "Lynn not only believed in God, she believed God". Now think about that, because there is a big difference in those statements. Many of us believe in God, but do we believe all that God says and all that God promises us? If we don't, how would we ever really trust Him?

I haven't seen the end of this journey that I am on, but I am believing God can do all that He says He can do. I am believing Him also, not just believing in Him. God is not a liar, never was one, never will be one.

Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, that he should lie. He is not a human, that he should change his mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything I read in His book, is true. When it says He is my refuge, then I believe that He is. When it says that I can come to Him when I am burdened and heavy laden and he will lift my load, I believe He can and I ask Him for it. When it says that He is my shelter and that He will never leave me, I depend on it. I'm never disappointed, although sometimes I might have to cry for awhile and call out to Him for awhile, but I believe that is more for my benefit than anything. Tears are healthy, and there are times when they are needed to make us feel better.

Let me share if I may....HA Of course I will!

The other day I had a problem. To me, it was big problem and so what did I do? I went to climb a hill and talk to God. It dawned on me today that that is just what Jesus would do. There were many times he would withdraw from the crowds and go up on a mountain and pray.

Luke 9:28
About eight days after Jesus said this, he took Peter, John and James
with him and went up onto a mountain to pray.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hiked and hiked and talked with God and questioned things that were happening and asked for help and all the usual things you do in a conversation. About a half hour into my climb, as I was looking up at the sky I told God that I knew He was there, and I knew He could hear me but I wasn't hearing anything back. I wasn't getting anything...and just then I looked to my left and there was a sign that said, "Please stay on trail". I laughed, as I know that God will speak to us in so many different ways and I knew that He was telling me to keep on keepin' on. Follow the path that leads to Him. Keep climbing that hill, keep talking to Him and I will find what I am looking for. What I found at the top of the hill was not an answer to my problem, not a solution as to what needed to be done, but I found that I could trust God with whatever it was and have my peace restored even in the midst of it all. I found that God really was the one in control, and I had forgotten that for part of the hike up the hill. I needed to believe God, not just believe in Him. I needed to trust Him with this and every situation that happens in my life. He has all the answers before we even have all the questions.

Friends like Lynn can teach us that by how they live, and that is what her family and friends were telling us all today. She did that, she trusted God completely and she stayed on the trail until it took her "home" where she will never be confused or disappointed.

Proverbs 31:28-31
Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her:
"There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!"
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Her step-children stood and blessed her today. Her husband praised her. Her friends spoke of her deeds publicly and rewarded her with kind words. Is there any greater tribute?

I never knew Lynn before she was ill. I only knew the face of a woman who was battling a terrible disease. In fact, when I first met her she was in a wheel-chair and about six months later when she was able to walk again, I knew her for the first time standing. That was a neat experience, and I was so happy for her that she was able to walk again!

This last Thursday at work, we were working on her special programs for today. They were beautifully designed by a woman who works at our church and we helped assemble them on Friday. It was a privilege to be able to do that for Lynn, but I have to tell you what I experienced when I first saw them. I saw Lynn for the very first time as others had known her. I saw her picture before cancer had gotten a chance to rob her of the image others knew, and I was taken aback by it. I stared at her picture, looking for the person that I knew and I only recognized her by her eyes and her smile. It made me grateful for all the pictures we had of Phil at his service because I didn't know...I didn't know that others may have never known the boy I knew, the face I now remember. They just never got the chance to know him that way. I get a bit upset sometimes because I think that I can only remember Phil when he was sick, and I want to remember his well days. Now I realize that I really only know the well Phil because I was blinded to what others saw towards the end. I recognized him by his smile, and by his eyes and by the person that he was on the inside, no matter what the cancer did to his features. But with Lynn, it was a picture, and I didn't get to talk with that woman, but I very much enjoyed seeing her as others had known her.

2 Corinthians 4:16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lynn and Phil were wasting away, yet they were being renewed inwardly day by day. They showed that in their eyes and in their smiles because what was inside of them could not die. God's eternal glory shined through both of them and that is what I saw when I was with them.

This life sometimes seems long and it seems hard, but there are people that will come across our path that will help it all make sense. Phil was one of those for me, and Lynn was another. To the world, they were stricken down, died too young, and their troubles seemed immense, but they did not fix their eyes on what we all saw happening to their bodies. Their eyes were fixed on what was eternal, and that is what we saw shining out of them.

Sometimes it may be hard to explain how someone may touch us in our lives, but we know we've been touched. Today, many explained very well how Lynn touched their lives for the better, and she would have been pleased.

Dave's heart hurts, just as ours does, just as others do, but we will never forget and we will never be the same because of those God brought into our lives for just a short while.

The other day I once again questioned how I could possibly just go on with my life, it seemed so wrong, like Phil might not have mattered if we could continue to enjoy life and smile and laugh and go to the fair and the movies and on vacation. Then it came to me, we are not just "going on with our lives" as if nothing happened. As if Phil were never a part of our lives. We are going on with our lives forever changed for the better, we are going on, going on, going on, but not JUST. But forever changed for the better!

Proverbs 31:30 (Once again)
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If we all end up with a eulogy like Lynn received today from those who know us best, we could call it good!! All good!

Even if life is short...16 years or 46 years, make it count for something BIG! The example has been set by these two and many others. Let's follow in their footsteps and "stay on the trail" that leads us "home".

Lynn feared the Lord because she loved Him with all of her heart and soul and she knew it was the best and only way to fully live in this world.

She lived fully, even through all her sickness, that was quite evident today!

...."Phil, I just saw your mom and she's doing fine"....yup, I hope that's what she told him! :)

Love, Diane