Running Away
02/05/2004
Which way are we running in life?
Which way am I running?
Away from the past or toward the future?
I was asked a very interesting question by one of my readers just recently. I hope this person doesn't mind if I quote from the e-mail I received:
"...and your trip sounds lovely, but is it not a running away?? I would enjoy that,
getting away, but the pain follows...
Sorry, shouldn't send this... but time is just making me miss him more."
I love this honesty. How many have wondered this very thing but not asked? Because of this person's boldness in asking the difficult questions, it causes me to think. It takes what might have been covered up and lays it out on the table for thought and discussion. I have pondered this question for days and I have asked myself, "Is it because there is some truth to it?" The old line, "lest ye protest too much" keeps running through my mind. If I argue my case against it, lest I protest too much? If I don't at least consider the truth in it, am I missing something I might need to take a look at in the healing path God has me on? So I dive in, head first and turn up the soil to see what is buried deep within once again...
"What do you do when your dreams come true and it's not quite like you planned?" God is so much fun because I am writing on my laptop as the wheels spin towards home (The San Francisco Bay Area). We have just crossed over the border into the state of California after being gone for four months and we have an Eagle's CD playing. They just sang the line above. (From the song "After the Thrill is Gone.")
We are living our dreams, dreams that even Phil knew about. He was even a little concerned about our plans because he once asked if we would at least wait until he was out of high school...like we would have left him on the streets to fend for himself when we hit the road! Knowing us, we probably teased him about this and it got him to thinking.
Yes, for some time now we have talked of traveling, and now that our "dreams" have
come true, is it like we had planned?
Not at all--it is so much better, and so much more difficult.
What?
How can both be true?
The "better" is that instead of traveling along on our own, in our own way, at our own speed, God is our Pilot now. Not the co-pilot. We have heard that "If God is your co-pilot, you are in the wrong seat." With God as our Pilot, we are following Him, following the path He lays out before us, watching the wonder of His ways as we move along, His protection, His care and His provisions. There is purpose in every day that He leads us, and we are never alone. We have nothing to fear.
O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
You will weep no more. He will be
gracious if you ask for help.
He will respond instantly to the sound of
your cries. Though the Lord gave you
adversity for food and affliction for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you. You will
see your teacher with your own eyes, and you
will hear a voice say, "This is the way; turn
around and walk here."
Isaiah 30: 19-21
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Just yesterday I was driving this rig that we live in...it was my second time. It is huge, over 60 feet in length, but it handles so well it's not as scary as one would think. Of course, I have not backed it up yet, but that will come in time, I'm taking it slowly. Anyway, I was driving along as we entered the Death Valley area. I'd been at the wheel a while and suddenly I felt the need to turn the wheel over to Jim again, so we switched places. It wasn't long after that that the road became more difficult and it would have been quite a challenge for me to maneuver through the mountain pass we were driving through. I was so thankful that we had switched drivers when we did, and then it dawned on me...God was once again taking care of every need. He knew what was up ahead and He was keeping us safe as we daily depend on Him. Now, this is difficult for some because I know that loved ones have been lost in car accidents, and where was God then? Where was His protection then? I don't have all those answers, no one does, and that's where the greatest trust comes into play. We don't know and we probably won't until we meet Him face to face. All I can think of is the old question, "Where was God when my son died? The same place He was when His did." Life just takes us down different "roads" and on this day, in this moment, God kept us from harm and we were thankful.
That is the "better" part, and now on to the "difficult" part--the running away or moving on part. Which is it? Have we gone out on the road to see our dreams come true only to find out that it isn't like we had planned? Are we out here running away from what was, from the pain that we have felt from the loss of our son--or as I wrote to the reader I quoted above, are we simply moving on?
"Lest I protest too much?"
Can we really sell our belongings, give up our home, leave our family and friends and drive off on a sunny Sunday afternoon and leave the past behind? You already know the answer to that question; it is a definite "No." That's not the way life works because life and all its burdens pack so well. Even if it were possible to climb aboard the Mars Rover and travel further than anyone ever has into space, we would still arrive there with every part of who we are neatly packed away in our wondrous minds that God created.
So I wonder why God created our minds in that way--not erasable like something on our computer, or pencil scratchings on a piece of paper. No, it's only the things we would like to remember like where our car keys are or someone's birth date that we tend to forget. Not the things that can hold us prisoners emotionally, those seem to stay with us forever. Perhaps God designed our minds this way so we would be drawn to Him as our Provider, as our Healer.
In that day, when your enemies are slaughtered,
there will be streams of water flowing down every
mountain and hill...
So it will be when the Lord begins to heal his people
and cure the wounds he gave them.
Isaiah 30:25 & 26b
Running away or moving on?
Can we ever really run away from what was?
I think not.
"...this feeling follows me wherever I go," by Fleetwood Mac. Yes, a new CD is now playing as I write this. God is having fun with the music today!
This new life on the road is better, and it is difficult, because we can't leave our son behind. He left us behind when he traveled on to heaven. Even if he can remember us, which I believe he can, he is not pained by it. The memory of us probably brings him joy as he awaits our arrival there, just as his life on this earth and the memories of him should bring us joy as we live out the rest of our lives on this earth. I believe that is the "moving on" part. That is the part that takes the "difficult" and changes it into the joyful-when the memories change from pain to the blessings we carry with us.
Having just come through Las Vegas, we are reminded of this. Having been in Las Vegas not
long before Phil's "home going," there are many memories of him there. Memories of the hot
day we walked down the strip, ducking into each hotel/casino for some air-conditioning.
Memories of looking for every video arcade that Phil loved so much. On another trip,
memories of standing on the strip at midnight when the year turned to 2001 and watching
all the fireworks go up. It seemed like the end of the world because the busy street was
not full of cars but people wandering across busy intersections and standing in the middle
of the road that seemed to have been abandoned.
Oh, the memories that fill just one city in this vast country of ours.
Difficult?
Yes!
Better?
Yes, because we see things so differently now.
Are we moving on or running away?
Maybe it's neither, but if it is a moving on, maybe it's about just living each day
as God calls us to, whatever that may mean, whatever the day may hold, wherever we
may be.
We can try to run away from our pain without going anywhere by avoiding it with busy-ness, with our jobs, our hobbies, alcohol, drugs or any number of things. We can try to hide it away and never face it thinking it will disappear on its own, or we can run completely across the U.S. or around the world trying to avoid it, but we carry our pain with us--packed neatly in our minds. We can try to cover it up with the beauty we see, the food we eat, the activities we find along the way-it won't make it disappear no matter how deeply we try to bury it. So what are we going to do with the pain that can follow us wherever we go? I believe the only answer is to ask for help from our Father. I believe that the difference between running away or moving on may be a choice we make as we look to God for help wherever we are.
The Sovereign Lord, The Holy One of Israel, says,
"Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved.
In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you
would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will get our help
from Egypt.'"
Isaiah 30:15-16
As we travel and enjoy so many wonderful things and see God working with us and helping us in so many situations, it doesn't change the fact that our son is gone from this earth. Nothing can change that, not the situations we find ourselves in, not the places we visit, not in the new homes we will enjoy as the years pass by. Phil is gone, we will not see him again upon this earth, and there is no changing it. The only thing we can change is where our Hope lies each day, where our joy comes from and Who is our strength.
"Lest is protest too much?"
Yes, I do!
I know I do!
They tell the prophets, "Shut up! We don't want any more
of your reports. " They say, "Don't tell us the truth. Tell us
nice things. Tell us lies. Forget all this gloom. We have
heard more than enough about your 'Holy One of Israel.'
We are tired of listening to what he has to say."
Isaiah 30:10-11
I hold my Father's banner high. As I have learned that Jehovah Nissi means The Lord-My Banner, I ask God to help me know just what that means, that He is my Banner. It comes out of a story in the Old Testament concerning Moses in Exodus 17:8-16. As long as Moses "held up the staff with his hands, the Israelites had the advantage." He stood at the "top of the hill with the staff of God" in his hand.
Moses knew that with God's power, they would have victory. If we hold God high and stand beneath His power, we will have victory. With God as our Banner, the enemy is defeated before he even gets started. Oh, he'll put up a good fight, and he'll cause us to doubt and to fear and maybe even tempt us to "run," but if we stand strong in the Lord, we will be victorious in the end.
As the wheels spin towards home and we are once again able to visit with those we left behind four months ago, we are excited! We look forward to seeing everyone again, to spending time with our kids and catching up on all the latest happenings at our church home. We don't dread the pain we will walk back into because the pain was never left behind. Instead, it has been healed along the way by God's transforming power. It is a process that takes time, wherever we lay our heads at night. It is a walk that will continue all our days, but one with a sure ending, a happily-ever-after ending when God is the Banner we hold high and we travel under His protection.
Sunrise from my bedroom window.
As we once again drive the roads of home, visit the places we know so well, and take a trip up to see where the stone on the ground reads, "Philip Andrew Shore," I believe we will experience not a running away but a coming home to a past that travels well but has not tied us down with the emotional baggage that can destroy a life that has been greatly hurt. God is bigger than that, and the world He created for us to live in is too full of His promises to be trapped in the past.
Therefore, this is what the Sovereign Lord says:
"Look! I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem.
It is firm, a tested precious cornerstone that is safe
to build on. Whoever believes need never run away again."
Isaiah 28:16
"...need never run away again."
Wow!
Many months ago, God helped me go into my son's room and take his posters off the walls, to empty his shelves, to clean out his dresser and to start moving on with a life without him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life! I EMPHASIS THAT LAST SENTENCE!! But God was calling me to do it because it could have become a shrine. I could have started to worship the life of my son more than my Father in heaven. If I had left it, I could have gone in there each day and mourned my loss. That was okay for a time, but as it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven." We have to listen to God's voice and when He calls us to take our eyes off what is missing and look once again at His many blessings, He does so because He loves us and wants to help us. I believe that is moving on, not running away. That is building a new life on the safe Cornerstone of Jesus Christ.
You have sorrow now, but I will see you again;
then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy.
John 16:22
When Phil was first gone, I would look at a photo of our three boys and I didn't see two healthy young men, I only saw one young man that was missing. I could only see my loss, not my blessings. Recently as I took some pictures of our new "home," I was astounded at the results of one of the photos. I know it was caused by a flash, I know it was the angle of the glass that made the reflection just so, but I also know that God speaks to me in many different ways, and I think this photo was one of those ways.
In this photo you'll notice that only Jimm and Chris are visible. Phil is lost in the
reflection of light. I believe God's light, if we will embrace it, will cause us to focus
on our blessings, not our loss. When I look at this recent photo taken in our new "home"
with the pictures of our three boys in it, I cannot help but look at our blessings that
will carry us into the future. That future will include daughter-in-laws, grandchildren
and who knows what other joy those lives will bring to us as we move on to all that God
is calling us to.
We can't run away from what was, we can't blot a person out of our past or eliminate them from our photographs because looking at them hurts way too much, but God's light can! We can stand under His Banner, we can be filled with His strength and we can live victoriously even when the enemy is vicious.
It won't be long now, and we will be home, enjoying all the things we are familiar
with and those we have missed in the last four months, and we are excited!
It won't be long before God calls us out on the road again into new adventures, new ways
of serving Him and new ways of healing and growing as we continue on with our lives.
Lives that have felt great devastation but also great joy because of the Hope we have
in Jesus Christ.
We praise you, Lord!
You have made our nation great;
you have extended our borders!
Lord, in distress we searched for you.
We were bowed beneath the burden
of your discipline.
Isaiah 26:15-16
This is true, but:
Our city is now strong! We are surrounded
by the walls of God's salvation. Open the gates
to all who are righteous; allow the faithful to enter.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,
whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.
Isaiah 26:1-4
"Lest I protest too much?" If you've been reading my messages, you know that I do. I am passionate about my Lord! When we pulled out of the Bay Area four months ago, God began to teach me even more about what it means to be focused on Him, to let Him lead me and guide me through each day of my life. It is the only way to find peace in our every day. It is the only way to not run away from what hurts most, but to move on and let God accomplish His healing work in our lives.
I thank the person who asked me if I was "running away" because it has caused me to think deeply about the validity of that question. I too miss my son more every day; it's been a long time since I've seen him. He won't be in Fresno when we arrive, he won't be in Pleasanton when we arrive, as our other two boys will. He will be missing from the picture of our homecoming, but we can't run away from it. We will return and embrace the blessings we do have and then we will head out on the road again and embrace the blessings God has waiting for us along the paths we will follow Him down because:
Yet we have this assurance:
Those who belong to God will live;
their bodies will rise again!
Those who sleep in the earth will rise
up and sing for joy! For God's light of
life will fall like dew on his people in the
place of the dead!
Isaiah 26:19
And someday when we move on to heaven, Phil will be waiting for us there!
Living in His peace and joy,
Diane
An endnote: We are back home again now and the joy of the Lord fills our hearts! As we joined our church family on Sunday morning in worship, our hearts were singing! As we sat next to our son and his future wife, we were surrounded by so many who have walked this journey with us-it was good to be with them once again. We know it is short-lived, as we believe God has called us to keep moving on, literally, but I knew by being with everyone again that we had not run away. I had wondered if there would be pain in returning...there was not. There was such sweetness to it and it was filled with so many memories and so much love that my heart felt only gratitude for all that God has brought us through.
But the people of God will sing a song of joy, like the songs of the holy festivals.
You will be filled with joy, as when a flutist leads a group of pilgrims to Jerusalem-
the mountain of the Lord-to the Rock of Israel.
Isaiah 31:29
