A Closet With A Window

07/26/2004

Have you ever seen a closet with a window? Just an ordinary closet in a child’s bedroom, with a large window lighting up the inside of it? I don’t know that I ever had before, but I have now. Our old neighbors, "old" being that we don’t live next to them anymore, have added onto their house. They have added a guest room, remodeled and enlarged their kitchen and added more bedrooms for their children, including a new closet...with a window.

Now, this may seem strange, and in fact as my old neighbor gave me a tour of her home, she thought it was strange also. Why did her husband put a window in the closet? It wasn’t in the plans they had drawn up, but for some reason, he felt it was necessary. She thought it was a bit crazy because of having three growing boys who would soon be into the age of participating in the acts of rebellion that most parents do not look forward to in the teenage years. She wondered if this "window" would encourage them to be partaking of certain "substances" in there that an open window could quickly dispel of. She wondered just WHAT her husband was thinking...?

I do not know what his thoughts were, but I do know what my thoughts were just the other day as I was dealing with a dark place in my heart, a place that appeared to me as a closet of pain. This closet of pain was buried deep in my heart and most times it stays that way, but every so often the door opens and out pours a bit of agony that I would rather not deal with. This agony includes memories of Phil first becoming ill...memories of me as his mom not being all that I should have been to him. A time when the compassion level in my life was very low, for myself and towards others. As I dealt with myself, I also dealt with my boys...never say never, we don’t use the words "I can’t," and be tough and strong—that’s how we get through life, or so I thought.

In the Spring of 1996, Phil was not recovering from the same flu bug that all the boys had had and he got weaker, he became pale and he was not able to even play like other children his age. It was not a long period of time, in fact in February he was skiing along with the best of us and by April, he had declined a great deal. I kept waiting for him to get better, kept encouraging him to keep going, be strong, you can do it...I didn’t know what he was dealing with. I had no idea...but that doesn’t keep the enemy from torturing me with feelings that I failed to be a compassionate mother at that time. It only gives Satan plenty of ammunition when he feels the need to upset me, to open that closet door of pain and let some of its poison pour out into my heart.

Eight years have passed and yet the pain feels as if it were just yesterday. The darkness that my heart contains concerning this matter in my life can take me to the floor as I crumble under the emotions it brings on. This "dark closet" of time in my life could destroy me, and that is the enemy’s plan...keep it there in reserves, pull it out at unexpected moments or when I am most tired and let it eat away at all the healing that God has done in a heart that was once completely shattered.

That is how vicious the enemy is that roams around this earth in the spiritual realm. That is why God’s Word warns us that the "thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." (John 10:10 NLT)

How do we find that "life in all its fullness" that the Word talks about? What do we do with those dark closets of pain in our lives that never seem to disappear, but just sit there waiting to destroy us? We have to go to them and face them. To do that, we must first admit that they exist. We have to look deep inside ourselves when it’s the last thing we want to do--we have to open that closet door to expose the pain inside and allow God’s healing power in. We have to let His light erase the darkness. It is the only way, if we are to survive the cunning attacks of the enemy each day of our lives.

For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood,
but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world,
against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world,
and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.
Ephesians 6:12 (NLT)

When the enemy attacked me again just the other day for something that happened eight years ago, there was nothing visible that I could fight. If anyone else had been in the room, they would not have witnessed a change in anything around me. No one had even come in and said a word to me about anything; it was only my mind, my spirit, and my emotions that were sent spinning into a turmoil of self-condemnation and guilt, enough to send me to the floor in tears.

What does one do with that? Try to bear it? Try to pass it off as hormones or maybe even come into agreement with the lies of the enemy and take on the guilt and the pain that we feel we deserve because of how we acted in certain situations in our lives? I think that’s what the enemy wants. He wants our agreement. He wants us to carry that burden of guilt and create dark closets that are available to him to use at opportune times to try and destroy us.

But, what happens if we will not agree with Satan? What then? What if we argue our case and fight for our rights? Try to convince ourselves that we didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t our fault and slam the door and lock it tight, never venturing into that dark closet of pain again...does that diminish its hold on our lives? We think it does. We think if the door is shut up tight, it cannot hurt us, but it still can. It’s like a ticking bomb, just waiting to go off. The only way it cannot harm us is to open the door and let it be filled with the Truth of God.

I go back once again to one of my favorite verses in the Bible:

The Lord has said to me in the strongest terms: "Do not think
like everyone else does. Do not be afraid that some plan
conceived behind closed doors will be the end of you. Do not
fear anything except the Lord Almighty."
Isaiah 8:11-13 (NLT)

We fear facing these things in our lives, these dark closets. We think it will be the end of us if we really open that door and reveal our greatest pain to not only God, but even to ourselves. We avoid it at all cost, thinking, hoping, it will just go away, but then we find ourselves "eight years later" still dealing with the same memories, the same guilt and pain as if it was yesterday. This is not what God has called us to.

Being that Phil was sick for 5½ years and has been gone for 2½ years now, I have my share of dark closets of pain. They are not to all be dealt with in one fell swoop, that would be overload, and God knows it. But, little by little, as I am honest with myself and with God, He will bring these dark places to the surface and exposes them to His Light. It is a painful process that humanly speaking, I would rather avoid, but one that I am learning to work through with Him so that then I can experience the burden being lifted.

There is no other way. We can dull these dark closets of pain with drugs and alcohol, with busyness and fun, with buckets of tears and burdens of guilt, but they will remain until we expose them for what they are, lies from the enemy.

Now, this is not to say some things didn’t happen. This is not a denial process, that is not what God is calling us to. Yes, I did some things wrongs, things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had been more compassionate towards my son, I wish I had taken him to the doctor sooner and found out what the problem was. I wish when he was tired I would have picked him up and carried him instead of insisting that he be strong and walk...now I would do things differently... but now is now and then was then. As I have heard, "When we know better, we do better." I did what I knew how to do, and I did what I thought was best even if it wasn’t.

It’s the "wasn’t" in my life, in all our lives, that will tear us apart. If we had known better, we would have done better, we can admit that to ourselves, but since I didn’t know better, I didn’t do better and I have to live with that now. No one is blaming me, no one is calling me to the carpet over this, no one even knows the dark closets in most of our lives but us. We know...and the Enemy knows, and God knows. That’s two against one, I like those odds. And, with God on our side, we win!! If we choose to open that door and allow God to fight those unseen battles for us, we win!!

I opened that door the other day. It was time to face this issue head on once and for all. It was time to stop letting the enemy come at me late at night and open the door to that dark closet. I flung it open and looked deep inside at the darkness there. I offered that darkness up to the Light of God, and asked for forgiveness. I told God how sorry I was, I told Phil how sorry I was, whether he could hear me or not. I admitted I lacked the compassion I should have had. It does not change a thing about what happened, but what it does change is the control it can have over my life now that I have looked it square in the eye!

As I flung that door open, I got a picture of something new. I believe it was a picture that God gave me...I saw a closet with a window. A nice, fresh new closet with no darkness in it. A closet with shelves, just like my neighbor’s closet has, a place where new things can now be placed. Things that will not be hidden in the darkness of the past, but will be the beginning of a new freedom in this area of my life.

You see, we have to allow God to change those images in our minds in a way that only He can do. When I think those same old thoughts now, I don’t see darkness, but a window of light. I don’t concentrate on the wrong I have done, but the healing that God has brought to that memory. I know that the past is the past and it cannot be changed, but I know that the future can be different because I can live with what was without the burden of guilt it once brought on. When I think of it now, I know it’s still there, but it’s not allowed to hurt me anymore. It’s like God shot Novocain into that area. When I "touch" it, it seems like it should hurt, but it doesn’t. It is numb to the attacks of the enemy.

The enemy has been defeated in that area of my life, and he’ll have to find something else to pick on, and he will. This is not a defeatist attitude, this is the truth. Satan will not give up, his time is limited and he knows it and he’s going to go out fighting. We might as well get used to it and bring it to the throne of God each and every time. It is the only way to win these battles we cannot see, but certainly feel.

O Lord, you are my light;
yes, Lord, you light up my darkness.
2 Samuel 22:29 (NLT)

The Lord is the window of escape we are all looking for in the darkness of our lives. I do not know how this window in my neighbor’s closet will be "used" by her sons. I do not know why her husband felt it necessary to place a window in a closet, but I do know that God can use anything, and He has used this window to bring healing to my heart. God uses images that we can relate to in our everyday world, and He used this one for me when I opened the door to my "closet" and invited Him in.

We are tempted to avoid, resist, and run from those things that eat away at us the most. If we don’t stop and look at them, we think won’t have to deal with that mess in our lives--but if we don’t stop and look at them...they will be the very things the enemy uses to destroy us.

If you think you are standing strong, be careful, for you, too,
may fall into the same sin... When you are tempted, he will
show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.
1 Corinthians 10:12 & 13b (NLT)

I only share these things with you because I know that I am not alone. It does not thrill me to reveal my "dark closets" of pain to others, what thrills me is the freedom that another might find in my confession. Then, we win!! The enemy is defeated until another day, and on that day, we win again when we allow God to fight those battles for us. All we need do is open the door and stand back...the Light of God is much more powerful than the darkness of the enemy!!

I don’t get through life now being tough and strong, because I am not and that is okay. God is all the power and strength I will ever need. He alone can conquer the darkness.

I have learned that sometimes "never" is an appropriate word because what I thought would "never" happen in my life has happened--I have watched my child leave this earth for heaven.

I still don’t like the words, "I can’t" because I know more than ever that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Dark closets in our heart are a place where we can invite God into our lives and He can display His mighty power against the evil in this world.

Do we like them? No!
Do we want to go there? No!
But the "boogie-man" is not a threat when the Kingdom of God is behind us!

I will continue to make mistakes, but I am learning that they too can be used for good when they are not kept shrouded in darkness.

I am glad my neighbor put a window in when the "plans" did not call for one. God has used the design to shed some light into my world!

Living and learning,

Diane