Just sit down...

Friday, 03 May 2002

I feel like God is asking me to just sit down here tonight. I don't know if I will write...will God fill me once again with all that He is teaching me? We shall see...

Vacation was good. Jim and I rented an RV for seven nights and headed for the coast after my family reunion weekend. Yes, we headed for the coast, drove down the coast, went back over the coastal range, across the valley, and up into the Sierras. Not all in one day, mind you, but in the seven days we were gone. Oh, the beauty we saw along the way! From sunsets on the beach, to high mountain tops still capped with winter snows. Rivers rushed and birds sang, winds blew and stars glistened in the night's sky. One night I was lying looking out of the window by our bed and thinking how very far away heaven is... or seems to be. The star that I gazed at was in a world I could not imagine, probably burned out eons ago, maybe I was only seeing the light that remained. And then another light moved across the sky. The same size as the star I was looking at, but not still at all. And not a mystery to me either. It was the light of an airplane. A world I understand, people in rows of seats, movies playing, a few peanuts passed around and some drinks. People sitting, travelling, talking, sleeping...I could picture it. I could relate to it, and yet it was the same size as that distant star. Is Phil really as far away as that star, in a place I can hardly imagine, or is he as close as God's very presence...? Even though I can't "see" it, even though I can't picture it, I know heaven is there. Phil is not far away, he is very close. Just through that door to heaven that waits for me to pass through some day. Just there, on the other side, ready with a hug and a laugh and a reunion that I long for. Oh, how I miss that boy... It seems I miss him more each day, and yet I know my heart is healing. I can feel it. I pray for it. I ask God to come into my heart with His piercing arrow of love and to heal the wounds that are so deep, and He does.

One day recently I was walking across a room here in my house, yes, just a simple walk across the room when fear and dread and mourning gripped me so rapidly I didn't know where it had even come from. The thought of "I can't do this anymore" filled my head and then just as quickly, another thought came to me..."I don't have to do this, God will do this for me, as He has been doing every day since Phil died". I am not alone here, although the evil one would like me to think that I am. I am not fighting this war on my own, and I will not lose this war because it has already been won. When Christ died for me, hope began anew. The evil one can't take my hope away, no matter how hard he tries. He can send his piercing arrows into my heart and try to strike fear into my soul, but he has already lost this battle. Oh, it doesn't mean that he stops trying. He tries every day, numerous times a day to take me down, to broadside me, to shake the foundation on which I stand, but that foundation is on Christ and there's no shaking it. My heart has been broken so badly, it has hurt so bad in these past almost 6 months that I thought I might never recover. I thought no one could possibly live through this pain and come out with any mind left at all...but that is not what I have found. I have found that God walks with me each step of the way. He truly does. And He sees my tears, each one that falls, and He cares. He knows my pain, He saw His own Son die, and He will never leave me. Not after what His only Son died to do for us.

I never know what tomorrow holds, or what the next minute holds, or even that I would be sitting here writing this right now. I was headed to bed, I am tired, but when God calls me, I want to listen to Him. I want to follow Him. He is the only One who can lead me out of this darkened valley and back into the sunshine again. There are many sunny days ahead, I know that, even though it seems at times I may never function the same again. I can't do the things I used to do, emotionally. I don't have the strength to even have fun without the peace and strength that God gives to me. I need God more than ever. But that's okay, because I know that I am trusting the only One who can really help me. I can feel Him pulling me through this one day at a time. I really can. I used to cry so much more than I do now. I used to collapse at the end of every day, and the tears would well and the emotions would be stretched to the limit. Now I can go about a week before I collapse and wonder if I will make it. That's progress, that's slow, but that's the way it is. This can't be rushed. I'm just so very grateful that even in these early days of grief, Jim and I could go away for a week, enjoy the time together, laugh and talk and rest and share the days together. There were days that were harder than others, for sure, even vacation is hard work when you grieve, but there has been progress. We can see it. We have a long way to go, and it will probably take years, but we know it's coming along. We are still a bit frustrated by the restrictions it puts on us because there is so much we want to do that we can't because we have to say "no". We have to stop, drop and roll and renew our spirits through prayer and quiet time and time alone. But it's coming along.

I'm learning in my new Bible study just how much Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. I'm learning what that means. In the study it talks about what it means to "bind up as a wound", or to "compress,...to stop". It talks about God defining a broken heart as "one that is hemorrhaging".

It goes on to say:

"The idea of compressing the hemorrhaging heart is very much like the practice of applying pressure to a badly bleeding wound. What a wonderful picture of Christ! A crushing hurt comes to our heart and the sympathizing, scarred hand of Christ presses the wound; and for just a moment, the pain seems to intensify...but finally the bleeding stops."

Author: Beth Moore
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Maybe that is why it is so hard to call out sometimes for help from God, because in that moment the pains seems to intensify because we stop fighting it on our own, but then almost as quickly, the pain recedes because Christ stops the "bleeding".

I have called out to God so many times lately! Last night as the missing crept in once again, and the "bleeding" started, I asked God to please come and remove the missing and the ache from my heart. You know what? He does! If I remember to pay attention, I will drift off into other thoughts and then when I stop to take notice, He has relieved my pain. It is not something I can "will" on my own. My own will is not strong enough for that because this pain is much too great. My flesh cannot fight this battle, but God's Spirit in me can, and does. Over and over and over I continue to cry out to Him, and He rescues me. It's good practice...for what you might ask? I sometimes wonder that because how much worse can it get? Maybe it's sort of scary to even ask that question...? But then, there was the phone conversation with Chris towards the end of our vacation when we found out that a fire could have destroyed our home and asphyxiated Chris in the process three days before we got home. All the pieces were in place...a broken smoke alarm, a napping son, home alone, while something was cooking in the toaster oven. In just that moment, that quickly, we could have lost another child, and our home, but we didn't because I truly believe God intervened, that He touched the heart of not only Chris' girlfriend who called and woke him up to a house full of smoke, but also tried to encourage even my sister to call Chris that evening and wake him up before disaster struck. Coincidence? Not in my world! God is in control, and God said "NO", not this time, you will not have this second son and you will not destroy this house. These are my people, and this will not be. It could have been, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that had it been, God would have seen us through even that. Why? Because He has never let us down, and He wouldn't start now. Whatever tomorrow holds, He will be there. For whatever reason, He stopped this disaster from happening. For whatever reason, He took Phil home. Do I trust that His decisions are right? Yes, I do. Do I wish they were different sometimes, well of course I do. I wish Phil was still here, but I'm also thankful that Chris is still here. Our lives can change so quickly, and believe me, without warning. With Phil, we had some warning. With Chris, we might not have. Either way, God is the same. He has a plan. He knows what He is doing. He knows how much we can bear, even when to us it seems unbearable. He just wants our whole heart and soul and mind. He has mine, but then again, how can that be possible when He gets more of my heart, mind and soul every day I live? That's a mystery to me.

During our vacation, I was reading a book called "The Sacred Romance". If you have not read it and you want to know how much God loves you, you might want to pick up this book. It really made this vacation one I will never forget because the beauty of this world that we experienced, while reading a book about God's love for us, combined...was almost heaven. Almost....or a glimpse of the glorious things to come, for sure. If the beauty we saw was as good as it gets, that would be pretty close to good enough, but if it is just a small glimpse of all that God has planned for us, I can't wait to see the "end of this story"!!

We were singing in church on Wednesday night, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow..." And I was just picturing the beautiful sunset in Carpenteria, the rushing waters in the Kaweah River, the giant redwoods with blue skies and puffy white clouds behind them, and the reflections off the calm water in Kaweah Lake. What a wonderful world God has given us to live in, as He heals our broken hearts. His healing salve is all around, if we will only stop long enough to soak it into our souls. To breathe in His hope of better days to come. "The Sacred Romance" talks about living happily ever after, that the "story" we are living in has a great ending, and I like that thought a lot. I like to think that after all the ups and down and ins and outs, on the last page, we will smile and laugh and there will be no tears and everything God promised to His children will be revealed. The thing is, we already know that, because we have already read the "last page" when we read the pages in His word. We don't have to turn to the end of the book of our life, we can turn page after page and read about all that we can expect when this life ends just by reading God's word! Why do you think I read my Bible so much more these days than ever before? Because I need to know the end of this story, I need to know that we all live happily ever after, and I need to be reminded of it every day that I live!!

I have a short memory. When the devil strikes, I need to be clear on what the Truth is. I need to know all about this foundation that I stand on. I need to know exactly who Jesus Christ is and what He told us while He was here. I need to know His Story well, so that I can relax in my story. So that when the page is turned, and something happens that takes the wind right out of my sails, they will be filled with the breath of God just as quickly, and my boat will sail on towards eternity no matter what. No matter what...

I guess God did have something for me to write tonight. I just sat down, as He asked, and here we are once again at the end of a long e-mail. I thank God for the joy He gives me to share the joy He gives me!

Good night all!

Diane

Psalm 95:17-19
Unless the Lord had helped me,
    I would soon have died.
I cried out, "I'm slipping!"
    and your unfailing love, O Lord,
        supported me.
When doubts filled my mind,
     your comfort gave me renewed
        hope and cheer.