New Beginnings

Tuesday, 20 Aug 2002

Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do:
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called
me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
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My brother calls it "Heaventown". He says that Phil has moved a little north of Pleasanton, into Heaventown! I like that! It makes me smile! It brings into perspective the thought that Phil has actually just moved...a little north...and we will be joining him there later.

My thoughts these last few days are ones of moving on. I hesitate to say what I'm about to say, but I feel God has called me to be honest in my writings. To share what is on my heart because if it is on my heart, it may very well be on the hearts of others in the same situation and they may need to know they are not alone. It is normal to feel as they feel, and maybe they will then be able to say what I'm about to say...

I'm sick of it!!

What? That's right! I'm sick of feeling so very sad. I'm sick of mourning. I want to turn my mourning into dancing! I want to take off the "sackcloth and ashes" and have them replaced with garments of praise! I want to move ahead, "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus".

Phil loved prizes! He was not competitive, so to speak, but he loved trophies sitting on his shelves. He liked it when he won his first patch in sharpshooting.

Don't we all? Don't we all love to be rewarded for a job well done, or a race run well. Phil told me that when he was younger he never liked baseball or basketball, but that he only played those sports because he wanted what his brothers had...a trophy.

He must have loved his arrival in heaven where his true reward awaited him.
He pressed on toward the goal to the end, and now he has his prize.

Matthew 5:12
Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven -

Matthew 16:27
For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels,
and then he will reward each person according to what he has done.

Ruth 2:12
"May the LORD repay you for what you have done. May you be
richly rewarded by the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose
wings you have come to take refuge."
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Why would God put these verses in the Bible if He didn't think they would be important to us?
If it didn't matter that there was a reward or a prize at the end of our journey?
And who can imagine what the prize might be? We can't even come close, I'm sure. It is beyond our wildest imaginations!!

I believe there comes a time in the journey of grief where we get sick of the valley. Where the darkness is not so inviting anymore, even though in the beginning we really just wanted to stay there. It felt right, the world didn't understand anyway, and we would rather be here under our covers and not have to face anything or anyone.

I believe there also comes a time in the journey of grief where the valley becomes tiresome, and we get tired of feeling tired. Tired of running the same thoughts over and over in our heads about how it all was, what we said, what they said, what anyone said! A time when we realize that honoring those we have lost has nothing to do with feeling sad and grieving for them, but it has everything to do with getting on with our lives as they would want us to do. As we are called to do!

I read a verse the other day that said:

Malachi 4:2
"But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness
will rise with healing in his wings. And you will
go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture."
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Can't you just see it? I can!! I can see Phil arriving in heaven leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture. Oh what joy!! To be truly free of the bondage of this earth, of the bondage of his sick body at last. As Martin Luther King said: "Free, free at last!" That must have been the way Phil felt!

And if he can feel that way, I can too! I want to! The Sun of Righteousness, Jesus Christ, came to heal the brokenhearted. He did not intend for us to live our lives in the bondage of grief. There is a time for mourning and a time to dance. My time for dancing seems to be coming, even though I know without a doubt that there will still be many days where my heart will ache, the tears will fall, and I will be back to square one for a period of time.

Some may say it's only been nine months, what are you thinking? Some may say it's been nine months, it's about time. It really doesn't matter what "some may say" because grief is an individual activity that has no time frame. It will never be the same twice, even for the same person. It is up to God and that person as to how long it will last. Mine is not over, but I feel a "straining toward what is ahead". It is a yearning that comes from deep inside, and this morning as I looked at Phil's picture beside my desk here once again, I said to him; "Phil, you know how much I love you. I love you with every part of my being, But I am sick of feeling so sad." Yes, I talk to pictures, I'll talk to anything that moves, and even things that don't! :)

Phil would understand. He never wanted me to feel badly. He could tell the instant something was up with me and he would question me about it. He would be the very first one to say get on with your life Mom. I'm free, I'm running like never before! I'm leaping like never before! I won't be falling off any more porch steps because my legs are so weak they won't hold the weight of me. I won't be needing any more blood transfusions to boost my energy level and bring some color back into my face. I won't need your help in putting on my shoes and socks so I will have the energy to walk out to the car. I'm free Mom! Truly free of all of that, and you should be also! We ran our race together for as long as it lasted, and it is finished. I have my prize! Yours will be coming and until that time, press on! Forget what lies behind except for what it has taught you. Look ahead! I'll be waiting at the finish line for you!

...His name is Bryce Benjamin and he was born on August 15th, 2002, just nine months and one day after Phil went home. He lives next door, and he is the third boy born in that family, just as Phil was in ours.

Bryce Benjamin is a very special baby to me, because when I look at him, I see a new beginning. I see what God has created in the nine months since Phil has gone home, and I marvel at what God can create in that amount of time. A tiny seed planted has grown into a fully developed human being who will one day walk and talk and live his very own life.

I've heard that prayers are like tiny seeds we can plant. For every prayer said, a seed is planted that God will water and nurture and grow, and it has shown me how very important the simplest prayers can be. They don't have to be long or complicated, just simple and lovingly said by those that think about another long enough to say a prayer for them.

Seeds have been planted in my heart in the last nine months. Seeds of prayers said by all of you, and they have grown. They have grown to fill the empty spaces that were left when Phil left. They have grown to fill doubts that arise, and to sturdy a faith that may waver from time to time. They have grown to replace the weeds of hurt and pain into flowers of joy and warm memories. They will continue to grow, each at their own rate, each in their own way, until the garden in my heart will be one of beautiful wild flowers warmed by the Son, instead of a barren ice field that was slippery and dangerous to tread on for awhile.

This is all possible because God is the Gardener and He tends to His children with the greatest of care. He watches over each seed that has been planted, from those that are prayers, to those that are babies yet to be born. He can see us. He created us. He loves us.

Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were
written in your book
before one of them came to be.
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God saw Bryce from day one, just as He saw all of us. And He will be waiting there for us on our last day, ready to welcome us home.

God has a plan for our lives that we can't even imagine. There will be valleys and there will be mountain peaks, and there will be everything in between, but through it all, we will never be alone.

I don't want to be sick of it. I pray that if this mourning period continues, that God will give me the patience to continue to endure, the strength to continue to persevere until this race is run. I know that I am not finished yet, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to be. It is the human condition to want to get it done, it is not God's way. God's way is so much better. He has so many good things to teach us along the way, we should not want to miss out on any of them, no matter how painful it may be. It is worth it.

An example:
Almost two weeks ago I had a night like none I have ever had before. It was a night when I was alone in the house and grief hit me like a ton of bricks, plus some. I went through the house closing the windows so as not to disturb the neighbors with my sobbing and wailing and groaning. No, it was not a pretty sight!
In the midst of my agony, God spoke to me. He told me it was time to wash Phil's clothes. The ones that remained in his hamper from his last few days on this earth. I didn't want to, but I got up off the floor where I was curled and did just that.
Then I went back to the floor, when God spoke to me again. He told me it was time to clean out Phil's dresser. I didn't want to, but I got up, got the bag that said pick-up was on Thursday (the next day when I would thankfully be at work) and I started with his bottom drawer until I got to the top one, placing each article of his clothing into the bag, sparing just a few for those that I would like to give to certain people.
I have NEVER before in my life felt such agony! Never!
Where was God in the agony I felt? He was helping me heal. Instructing me and guiding me through what needed to be done but what I never could have done without His help. It is a job much too terrible for any mother to have to do, but one that needs doing.
What did I feel when it was over? Relief. Release. Gratitude. A sense of freedom. It had begun, the "shrine" needed to go. The memories needed to stay. And I needed to draw a line between the two, with God's help. He knew that and He knew when the time was right. He had been preparing me for this moment. The ice in that ice field has been chipped away just a little bit more so that more of those beautiful wild flowers can bloom in my heart.

New beginnings...yes, for sure. Every day, in every way, and always carried by a God who loves us too much to leave us on our own. It hurts without question, but there is healing in the hurt, and there is a knowing in the hurt that it will pass.

Just three days after going through Phil's things, I was sitting at a picnic spot on a hill over-looking a beautiful lake in Canada. Jim and I were making a trip there to see my parents. As we sat at this picnic table taking in the beauty of God's creation, eating our salami sandwiches in the warm sunshine, I took in a deep breath and thanked God for His love. How is it possible to go from such agony three days before, to such peace and tranquility just three days later...well, I guess we could ask Jesus since He rose in three days after His agony on the Cross, and brought peace to us all.

Yes, we are free. We will hurt, we will have loss, we will heal and we will see new beginnings all the time if we just open our eyes and our hearts to all the Lord has planned for us!

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will
listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me
with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord,
"and will bring you back from captivity."
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My Hope is in Him!!

Love,
Diane

First e-mail of book two!! :)
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