...Circle 'round The Moon

Wednesday, 16 Oct 2002

As I woke this morning in our darkened room in Tahoe (I think they put black-out shades on those windows for late night gamblers), I opened my eyes...and realized that this was it. It was the 16th and just as in my dream, I woke up knowing I'd fallen to the bottom of the "pit" and...I was alive. I looked around and sort of took an inventory...no pain, still breathing...I got up and I lifted the shade and let the sun into the room. It was a beautiful day! Phil's first birthday in heaven. I wondered what it would hold. I grabbed my notebook and wrote a poem:

Birthdays in heaven

Your first birthday in heaven, will they make a birthday cake?
Are there mothers there to do it? I bet Mary knows how to bake.
Will they serve your favorite foods? Are you allowed to pick?
Breakfast, lunch and dinner...Will there be a measuring stick
To see how you have grown, especially since you're well?
Will you be at your full height? It's hard for me to tell.
Will you get to make a list, of all the things you'd like?
Are there toy stores up in heaven? Have you ordered a new bike?
Will Jesus come a calling, to sing these words to you,
Happy Birthday Philip...we've so many things to do!
There are no limitations, as you have always known
We'll fly through all the galaxies, count the stars as we go
We'll visit with our Father, and sit upon His lap
He'll give you a birthday hug, and oh how we will laugh
We'll run along the clouds, and circle 'round the moon
Spending this day in heaven hasn't really come too soon
It's just the way we planned it, long before your birth
Sixteen years with your family, then you'd leave the earth
And join us all in heaven, we're so happy that you're here
We know how much they miss you, but it won't be too many years
Until you're all together, and then they all will see
Birthdays spent in heaven, are the best there could ever be!

John 14:28b
If you really love me, you will be very happy for me,
because now I can go to the Father, who is greater than I am.
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This is what Jesus said before He left this earth. I smile when I read it because I know I should be happy for Phil. He is with the Father. And you know what? I am happy for him, because I love him that much! I thought of what he would be doing if he were still here for his 17th birthday, and if it meant that he was barely able to do the things he enjoys, if at all, then please Lord, let him be with you! I want him to fly through all the galaxies and circle 'round the moon!
A new bike? Who needs a new bike when there are no limitations any more?
Not Phil. Not now!

We were in Tahoe, as Phil spent his first birthday in heaven. That beautiful mountainous area with a lake so large it could supply the United States with water for 5½ years, including showers, before it would run dry. If it did run dry, it would take over 700 years to refill it! That's one big bathtub!!

How did I find out this information? Because we took a ride on that beautiful lake today in a steam boat. We left from South Shore and cruised over to Zephyr Cove and back. The day could not have been more beautiful. We could have seen North Shore if not for the curvature of the earth! I told you it was a big lake! Tahoe means big water in Indian. Just the facts! :)

This was not a planned adventure. Nothing today was planned except to rise and make it through the day, anyway we could. It did not turn out like that at all. Why? Because God is so good and because we were covered with all your prayers. We felt them. When it seemed as if we should be so miserable, we wondered why we were not. We weren't fighting it either. It was just a peace that settled over our day. A joy. As I've heard it put before, a calm delight. We weren't jumping up and down, laughing our heads off in glee. We were putting one foot in front of the other as God led us through the day in the way He would have us go.

We arrived at the boat ½ hour before it was due to leave the dock, so we bought our tickets and boarded. We ordered lunch and as it arrived we set out...with just a slight delay. You've heard about the narrow path in the Bible? Well, there is a narrow path in Lake Tahoe too. The one this boat takes away from the dock and into the deep blue water. The wind was blowing and the boat kept getting stuck in the sand to the left of this narrow path, and it took an extra hour to free it, along with the help of all the passengers moving to the right side of the ship to take the weight off the left side!! I told Jim it was turning into a "three hour cruise", and we all know what that could mean! Skipper!!

Colossians 2:20
You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the evil powers of this world.
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Do you know that this is what happened today? The evil powers of this world wanted us to be miserable and Christ set us free! Just like that boat! We listened to God and we moved where He told us to move and we prayed as He told us to pray and we waited on Him and we were set free.
Here's how it went...

The days leading up to the birthday, the ones that God has not provided for because He has told us all not to worry about tomorrow for it has enough trouble of its own, were spent worrying. Okay, that's a little harsh, but let's just say the fear wanted to overtake the peace that God was providing big time!! I could feel it rising up inside of me and I thought it might devour me like the lions do! But God kept reminding me of this:

Isaiah 41:10
Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you. I will help you.
I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
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That fear wanted its way! But, God is true to His word!! He is with us. He was with me. He kept the fear away and allowed me to get to the 16th without going crazy just thinking about it! That is the hardest part. I could feel it and it felt so overwhelming. Why is the thinking about it harder than the actual doing of it? It's crazy how it works! But when I thought about it I thought of that verse above and I thought about my dream when I said, "Here I come God", and I thought about putting my arms up in the air and letting go and falling into Him, and He always caught me, especially today. I thought about the battle being His and I would just push the fear away and give it up to Him and thank Him for fighting this battle for me, and it worked. But it was work, because I was fearing what was not yet time to be feared, if at all. When the day actually arrived, I didn't work. I was carried, completely. By your prayers, to the Father, through His Son, and I was given comfort by His Spirit in me.

I looked up at that blue sky today from that boat on the lake and I thought about Phil and where he is. I thought about why it is so hard to really believe that he is out there somewhere, because my mind cannot fathom what that must be like in heaven. I know that is what faith is all about, and I have faith, but I still think about it. Who wouldn't!? And then it came to me...why is it so hard to imagine that Phil is with God at this very moment, when I KNOW that God is with me. That He lives inside of me. I don't question that. I know it to be true if by no other way, than by the way He carried me through this day without a struggle. That is a miracle to me! Why did I not crash and burn today in a pile of tears? Only with the grace and mercy of God!  Yes, there were moments when I could have "gone there", but very few. Unlike the last week or so of a constant bombardment of painful thoughts. Not today. Today was a day of calm delight. Of being glad that Phil was spending his birthday in heaven and knowing that he was well at last! Crazy you may say, but I'm only sharing with you what happened, piece by piece.

James 1:12
God blesses the people who patiently endure testing.
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I don't know how patient I have been, but God surely blessed us today above all days!

After we left the boat, we started our drive home and Jim took Highway 88. I have never seen such Fall colors in the state of California! There were gorgeous golds and oranges with some reds and other colors mixed in. We had to stop the car more than once so I could get out and take pictures just because they were so beautiful. Others were doing the same!
We were high in elevation and there were so many spectacular scenes that would take our breath away. It made me think about our drive around the lake the day before when we stopped at different places to look out over the beauty, as so many people did. I thought about all that God has created for us to enjoy, and especially when our hearts can be so broken. He has provided a way of escape to be able to endure it all, just as the Bible says.

James 1:2-3
Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way,
let it be an opportunity for joy.
For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
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I believe it! We have had some troubles as you know, and getting through each piece of the puzzle, searching for the picture that God is creating, sometimes gets to be a bit much. As much as we want God's will for our lives, it is so hard to give up our son in the process. We don't understand it all, but we know we may never understand it all. In the meantime, there will be joy, as there was today. And each time we feel the Joy of the Lord during the difficult trials, our faith in God expands in new ways. We know that if we just hold on, just hold on and keep the faith, we will grow through the experience and the next time we'll be that much better for it.

James 1:25
But if you keep looking steadily into God's perfect law -
the law that sets you free -
and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard,
then God will bless you for doing it.
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It really works! This was a test....remember that e-mail a little while back? About the test of the emergency broadcast system? Well, today was a test. I was holding God to His promises, and He passed with flying colors. I wanted all that He had offered me.

This was written about Abraham:

James 2:22
You see, he was trusting God so much that he was willing to do whatever God told him to do.
His faith was made complete by what he did - by his actions.
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I will do what you ask God. I will surrender this day to you. I will put my arms up into the air and fall into You and rest and see if I find perfect peace there, on a less than perfect day.
I will:

James 4:7
So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.
Draw close to God and God will draw close to you.
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I willingly admitted that I couldn't do this. My strength is gone, long gone, and this day is too big of an assignment for me. I couldn't pass this test without God to help me. It's not that it would kill me, but I wanted more. I wanted peace and joy on this day. That's what is offered. That's what I wanted!

I'm here to tell you that if you resist the Devil, if you resist the world and what it tells you, that God is bigger than all of it. He can give you perfect peace in the middle of a terrible storm. I'm here to tell you that when you crawl under the shadow of His wings and let the storm pass, it's not dark under there! The sun shines and the birds sing and the water laps against the rocks on the shoreline. The breeze blows through the trees and there is peace that transcends understanding.

James 4:10
When you bow down before the Lord and admit your
dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor.
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Why do we get so prideful and stubborn and think we can do it on our own when we don't have to? Why do we even want to? I know, I was there, and yes sometimes I still go there and think I can do it on my own, but I'm also here to tell you how much easier it is when we let God do it for us. He doesn't mind, really!! He wants to!

He has allowed something so tragic in our lives that words cannot even describe it, although I try. It is a loss that I never thought I would experience, and it is a path that I never would have chosen, but it is what it is.

James 5:11b
(About Job)
From his experience we see how the Lord's plan finally ended in good,
for he is full of tenderness and mercy.
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I want this to end in good. I already see so much good out of it, and it has really only just begun. The first year of grief has been an amazing process of finding God when it seems I can't find my shoes. I have been blinded by the pain at times, and yet God shines through. He is taking me step by step until His healing is complete in me and He is asking me to share this process with you I believe, because He doesn't want those in similar situations that I am in to suffer more than is absolutely necessary. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt and it won't hurt for a long while, but there is also peace and joy in the process. Even in the first year. Even on the first birthday missed. It may be spent in tears from morning until night, and that may be what is healing for someone else, but it doesn't have to be just because the world insists upon it to prove that the person was loved sufficiently. How many of us don't love our children? Even when they make us absolutely crazy at times? We still love them, always. How many of us think we can ever live without them? Not many. I'm with you. I want all three of my boys right here on earth with me! I go first, then them. But life doesn't always work out the way we want it to, and God provides for that. For whatever the situation, He provides!

John 15:12-13
I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you.
And here is how to measure it - the greatest love is shown when people lay
down their lives for their friends.
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That is why I do this. Because I want to lay down my life in writing for you because I love you, and I don't want the devil to win what he's already lost, our peace and joy. I don't want to freely hand it back to him and I don't want you to either. It's not his!! It's a gift to us from God!

John 14:27
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.
And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives.
So don't be troubled or afraid.
Remember what I told you: I am going away, but
I will come back to you again."
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The world will tell us how things should be, but it is probably a lie. The world will tell us that on the first birthday of your loved one in heaven you should be miserable. I'm here to tell you that if you surrender the day to our Father in heaven, He will make it a day of calm delight. He will make the lake water glisten and the golden leaves of autumn sparkle in the breeze. He will take your broken heart and hold it in the palm of His hand on the worst day of your life and help it to keep beating. He will listen to the prayers offered by so many and answer them ten-fold!

James 5:12
Are any among you suffering? They should keep on praying about it.
And those who have reason to be thankful should continually sing praises to the Lord.

5:16b
The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results.
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Those results were felt today. That righteous person is you! You have been made righteous by our Lord. He hears your prayers! And we are thankful! We praise God!

As we were driving home tonight my cell phone rang. I had not planned on talking with anyone today, wanting to spend the day as quietly as possible. I went ahead and answered it for some reason, even though the number was blocked. It was my friend. The one in the dream who "survived" the fall into the pit also. The one who I went to see when I woke up and walked into her room, where we laughed together knowing that God had spared us because He had work for us to do. Of course she would call, she completed the day. God was working through each and every detail of this process. We talked for just a short while as she assured me that we were in her prayers. And we laughed a bit too. Then we hung up.

On a last note, the tears that were shed today were not shed because of devastation. They were shed because of the kindness of people like this friend who cared enough to call, or leave a message, or send a note, or a card, or say a prayer on this day because of your love for us. We were lifted up today because of you, and we won! The devil was shown to be the weak fraud that he is and God's refreshing Living Water nourished us all day long.
It's more unlimited than all the water in Lake Tahoe!!
With it, we need never thirst again!!

Living in His peace,
Diane