The Curtain

Tuesday, 25 Jun 2002

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain"...I really like that movie, "The Wizard of Oz". Mostly I like it because of the song "Somewhere over the Rainbow". It's always been one of my favorites.

..."birds fly over the rainbow, why oh why can't I?"

Boy, I'd sure like to. I'd like to fly right on out of here sometimes, wouldn't you? Sometimes life just gets to be a little too hard and I'd like to escape. So I do, I go walking. I listen to great inspirational music and I talk to God and I "escape", soaking up God's beauty in the trees and the birds and the sky. It's just good to be out and breathing in some fresh air.

Remember the other day when I told you about picturing the sky parting like a piece of cloth splitting in two and Jesus being revealed behind the cloth? Guess what verse God led me to in the Bible?

Hebrews 6:18-19
Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to his promise with confidence. This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.

It leads us through the curtain of heaven into God's inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest
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That's what I find on my walks and other times I spend with God. I find that I can go through that curtain of heaven and enter God's presence. I know that Jesus has already gone in there ahead of me, and He intercedes for me there. He has paved the way to God. The Man behind the curtain is our Heavenly Father and He is just waiting for us to come and spend time with Him. He has made a way for us to have a personal relationship with Him. He sent His only Son to die for us so that our sins would not keep us out of there. We are welcome to come and spend time with Him anytime we want, and lately, I want to go spend time there a lot!!

It is like an anchor for my soul. When I feel like I am sinking and I will never immerge again, I do, because God pulls me to safety.

Last night we went to our first GreifShare group. I never thought I would be in a group like that. I never thought I would have a need to. I never thought I would lose my child. But I did, and now I am there, talking with other people who have also lost loved ones. You would think it would be the saddest thing in the world. And it is sad, yes, but that's not the point of being there I don't think. The point seems to be that we need to talk. We need to know that we are not alone. That when I say I hate going to the grocery store and I hate it that the coffee is in the cereal isle and that I hate it because Spiderman was painted on the floor in the cereal isle, that I'm not crazy. Other grieving mothers hate the grocery store too. Maybe that's all I need to get out of this group. Maybe there will be a lot more. I don't know. We've only just begun.

I think I am one of the fortunate ones because you all "listen" to me. You read my e-mails and you respond to me and you have all been extremely kind, but what do people do who have no one to listen to them? Who are not surrounded by friends and family who care the way you do? I can't even imagine it. I thank God for all of you and for your patience with me through this trial in my life. I know that I am extremely blessed, and I hope I can give back some day what I have been given in the kindness and caring that I have experienced.

I don't know what this group will teach me. You'll probably find out as I go along! :) I look at it as another small part of the whole healing process. Is it necessary? I don't know. But if it is, I will do it. Is the walking I do necessary? I don't know, but it sure seems to help. I really think there are only two ingredients that are completely necessary...God and time. I know that God alone could handle the job, but I think He allows time because time is a great teacher. If this were over in a day, where would my appreciation be for all that He has done in my life? I would quickly forget I think. I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget Him when times are good again. I don't want to just get on with my life and forget all the good things that He has blessed me with. I want to take those things and I want to use them in the best way possible. Whatever that may be.

Exodus 33:11
The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.
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Do you know that you can step behind that curtain of heaven and speak to God, just as He spoke to Moses? Sounds pretty crazy, doesn't it? If you would have told me that a few years ago, I would have questioned it. But now I don't. I do it every day. I step behind that curtain and into that inner sanctuary and I talk with God. You may say I'm crazy, but that's okay. If this is crazy, I'll take crazy. If you could feel the peace that I feel in the midst of this trial, you would go there too. If you could feel the hope that lies there behind that curtain, you would go there too. This is not some hoax, this is the real thing. This is what life is all about. Some day that curtain will be drawn back and what will be revealed there to the world won't be a little old man operating machinery, but a Mighty God and His Son, who came to save the world! Why, because He loves us that much!

Some may say, how can a loving God take your son? Well, because a loving God gave us His only Son, willingly. In Old Testament times, only the High Priest would enter that inner sanctuary that was built on earth. And even then, they would tie a rope around his leg in case he died while he was in there, so they could pull him out, because nobody was allowed to enter to retrieve him. The High Priest would go in there to talk with God. God's presence filled that sanctuary. The High Priest went in there to intercede for the sins of the people.

Now, we don't have that. We have something better. Jesus Christ is our High Priest and He intercedes for us. We are allowed to go straight to God, to talk with Him anytime we want because when we accept Christ, our sins have been forgiven. He took on all our sins when He died on the cross. We have been washed clean and we can enter the presence of God freely and boldly. I do it every day. I ask God boldly to heal my heart, to help me through this pain, to lift me when I can barely walk. What are the results? Well, I'm still here and God is healing me. He is filling me with the hope of a bright future.

Have you ever lived without hope? I spent three days without hope after one disturbing visit to the doctor when Phil was not doing well at all. I will never forget those three days. Some live without hope every day. I only experienced three days and that was enough for me. I never want to be without hope again.

Psalm 62:5-6
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
     my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
     he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
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Where does your hope come from? What are you depending on? I'm interested in knowing. I'm interested in knowing how others get through trials. This pain is too intense for me on my own. I'm willing to admit that. Call me a wimp if you will, but there's only one way through this that I can see. Have you found another way? I'm interested. I'm throwing God out here on the table. What would you like to put out there? Where does your hope lie? I pray, I walk, I read my Bible, I write, I go to Bible study groups and a grief group, I listen to worship music, and right now I eat too much...is there something I'm missing?

I have found the Jesus Christ is the only answer to my problem. It's working, slowly. My heart is mending, slowly. Phil is really gone and the grocery store is still here. The cereal isle is still here and I have to keep on living.

I was talking with some friends this morning and we were talking about having a fear of the end of the world, or not. As we discussed this, we agreed that it is not the end of the world that we fear at all, but as my friend said, it is having God say, "I never knew you". Can you imagine that the curtain is drawn back and you are face to face with God and He says, "I never knew you". That is worse than the end of the world, that is the end of any hope at all.

Matthew 7:21-23
"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'
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Now that is to be feared!! When the Wizard was revealed, he was a fake. An ordinary man, with no special powers.

When God is revealed He will not be a fake. He will hold eternity in His hand for those He knows, those who have entered into His inner sanctuary and spent time getting to know Him.

I thank God for the heartache that has brought me closer to Him. I thank God for giving me Phil. For the special gift that he is to me, for having changed my life so. I was blind, but now I see. It's the tough things in life that can reveal what's most important. Not fun, not of my choosing, but my heart is grateful for where it has brought me so far.

When that curtain is drawn back on that final day, there will be no place like our new Home!

John 14:23
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching.
My Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him."
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Love,
Diane