Dear Mom

November 14, 2003 was the second anniversary of our son Phil's arrival in heaven. What follows is a letter that will never be written by him, words that I will never actually hear on this earth, but only an imaginary message created on my laptop while searching ever deeper into the meaning of my life and his death. So many times we get buried in our own emotions, our own pain, and we neglect to look at it from another's point of view. Perhaps this letter will give us a different perspective.

What if we could get letters from heaven...?

Dear Mom,

I know it's been two years for you. Two years of missing me, two years of wondering just how I am, just what I'm doing, if heaven is as wonderful as we talked about it being?

How do I begin to tell you all that I am experiencing here?
How do I begin to tell you just how great I am doing here?
How do I begin to tell you that heaven is more wonderful than we could have ever imagined?

I know you often look up into the heavens at night and think of me being somewhere out there among the stars. I love it when you look up, because then I know you will be fine. It is only during the times when you look too long at the world around you that I could get concerned for your well-being. Never look down mom, always look up. Always keep your focus heavenward, and believe. Believe all that you and I talked about together, because it is true and it is everything and more than we could have ever hoped for.

I hated to have to leave you all. I wanted to remain with you, but that was not to be. I have traveled on ahead to wait for you here, and even though it has been two years for you without me on earth, it has only been a split second in time when it comes to eternity. You said I would never miss you even though you would be missing me. You did not lie mom, there is no missing here.

There are no tears shed here, no sad days, no times of mourning. Each day is filled with joy and contentment like we never fully know while living on earth. Each person we meet shares the same love of our Father, and we worship together as never before. Not only is there no missing, but there is a complete understanding of why things are as they are. No questions are asked; no confusion is felt, no fear is allowed to take hold of our emotions...all is well.

Time on earth can seem so long mom, and I know you have felt that since I left. There have been days when you wondered if you could go on without me, but you have and you will. There have been times when you want nothing more than to be here with me, but you know with each breath that you take, you must go on and finish the task that God has given you to do with your own life. You are doing just that, and I could want nothing more for you. You have not given up even though there are times when it is tempting. You continue to walk by faith, and being here now, I know there is no other way to live while there. What seems invisible on earth is so visible to me now.

My life was short mom, in human years. My life in heaven goes on forever, and that is really what counts. Once here, all the pieces are perfectly shaped. All the years, whether few or many, were perfectly counted out by God. As I left you on that night just two years ago, I saw your many tears. I knew the way was going to be difficult but when I arrived in heaven, I knew that you would make it through because everything we talked about was displayed before me as I entered the gates of heaven. It was all here and so much grander than I could have ever imagined.

It's okay to go on with your life mom, really it is. It is only the devil's lie that you should remain sad for me. It is only the devil's lie that it is disrespectful to live fully again. Only the devil wants to keep you bound in the chains of grief. It is all a lie! Don't listen to him, draw close to God each day, and listen for His voice. He alone will lead you to this place where we will be together again.

Jesus is here mom, but He is also there with you. He never leaves you, even though you cannot see Him as I can now. Shortly before I left for heaven, I shared with you about seeing a light. I was gone from you for a short time, only to return once again and spend another 48 hours or so with you in my room. You asked me if I had seen Jesus and I had to honestly tell you that I had not...but I do now Mom! We spend our days together and there was never a day on earth as wonderful as what I am experiencing now with Him.

As you gaze up at the stars, or enjoy a rainbow after a storm, or take in the beauty from the rays of sunlight that filter down through the clouds by a setting sun, you are experiencing just a small piece of what awaits you when we are together once again. Pieces of heaven are everywhere on earth but they can never compare with what God has prepared for those who love Him. You taught me that mom, even though you had never seen it yourself. You taught me to love a God who would allow your youngest son to be taken from you much too soon, and in doing so, you prepared me for all of this. Thank you.

You'll find things so very different here than what you are expecting and I wish that I could share with you what is in store, but there are no human words to really convey what I see each day. There are no human words to explain to you the love of God that fills this place. If the worst day fishing is better than the best day working, then it's a small example that the worst day in heaven is better than the best day on earth.

Our best times together mom, when we laughed and had such fun and walked arm in arm through our days were just a taste of heaven. Just a small sample of all that Jesus talked about when He told us He was going to prepare a place for us and that He would return to take us there with Him. Now I walk arm in arm with Jesus each day.

You're doing fine mom. It's still okay to cry if you need to, God understands. I understand that this is not what you would have chosen, but you need to understand that my being here is not an accident. It is not some horrible mistake or something caused by what you may or may not have done as my mom. You loved me, you still love me, and I will always be your son all your days on earth. When you leave there, you will see what I see and you will be at peace like never before. Until then, continue on. Never give up, never give in, and never waver in your faith. What cannot be seen now will be shown in full when your time comes.

I will be here when you arrive. The life we knew together on earth will be behind us, and what lies ahead will be an eternity that goes beyond explanation. I didn't want to leave you, but you will never want to leave here once you see what I have seen. You will know that God only wanted what was best for me, and not to harm me. The devil is your enemy! God is your Friend! Never doubt that! God did not want to hurt you by taking me from you; He only wanted to strengthen you for all that He was calling you to do. He sent me to be with you for a time so that your view of the world would be forever changed. He knew that because of the great love we shared, you would never forget me. He knew that because of the great love we shared, you would seek to know Him more because He would be your only source of strength when I left you. It is not easy, but it is good, because God is good and He knows what is best for each one of us.

I was not sent to destroy your life or to rob you of your joy because of my death. But I was sent to increase your compassion and your desire to ask the tougher questions in life, to look for a reason for living that goes beyond the mundane and to long for more than the world has to offer.

My life was not too short. It was an important part of God's plan for His eternal Kingdom. It was not a tragedy, but a perfectly shaped piece of artwork designed by our Father's hands. Remember this always and live each day as if this is the day you will be meeting Jesus face to face. When I was first gone, that was all that kept you going. Let it keep you going still. I know your pain is less, I know the tears are not so often now, and I am so happy for you! You said you would be okay, and I can see that you will be fine. As your heart heals and your joy returns, it does not hurt me or make me think you don't love me--it is just the opposite. It helps me to know that you truly believe you will see me again; that heaven is real and all that Jesus died to give believers really is true. Your smiles, your laughter and your joy are evidence of God's love, not a lack of loving me.

The hardest part in letting me go was not being able to take care of me anymore. Giving me up into the hands of someone else to care for my daily needs. Letting go of being my mom, and taking hold of God's promises to care for me always. You are doing that now mom, and the peace that you feel is the reward you receive when you release me fully into the hands of God.

Keep letting go Mom, set me fully free, because by doing so, you will gain the full joy of the memories we shared together. You will be able to think of my hands as I played the piano, and hear the songs I most enjoyed and remember me in the best way possible. You will see other young boys who remind you of me and smile as you watch them live their lives out in front of you. You will be able to watch my brothers marry and have children of their own and know that I want you to be there for them without the ache of missing me that would steal the joy you all deserve.

Let me go Mom, and move on into the life God has planned for you now with all its changes and surprises and challenges. I'll be waiting here for you all the while, but nothing will give me greater joy than to greet you upon your arrival in heaven and hear about all that God accomplished through your life after I left because you continued to live for Him fully.

There is no heaven on earth, not really, although there are times when it seems possible to find the peace, the serenity and the beauty that comes close to what waits for each believer when their time comes. My time had come mom, and you were there to say good-bye. Not all are given that gift, and not all will meet their loved ones again when their days on earth are finished, because they don't believe in all of this. They don't believe heaven is real, that Jesus is real, that all of God's promises do come true! Do your best to get the word out Mom! Write what's on your heart, share where your hope lies, tell them what you told me! Help them to believe like you helped me to believe. They will not be disappointed!

Two years, two earth years for you...for me, it is no time at all. On earth, it could seem like an eternity--but your faith has grown, your heart is healing and your future is certain, just as mine was, because Jesus Christ is our Savior forevermore.

There are no mistakes in God's perfect plan for each life He creates. Let the love that we shared cause you to always look into the starry nights with joy, drawing closer to God because your focus is on what is eternal as never before.
Nothing could me happier until we meet again!
I love you more,

Phil