The Landing

Monday, 04 Feb 2002

As the plane landed I could see the port where the cruise ship had pulled in. The one we were on for Phil's 15th birthday. The birthday that I thought might be his last on this earth. We had booked a room and taken Phil and his friend on a cruise to Mexico in October of 2000. The first night on the ship was his birthday dinner and we introduced the boys to eating on a cruise ship. Order what you like, as much as you like, and eat until you can eat no more! By the end of the trip, they had really gotten the hang of it! That, and room service. We stopped in Catalina and Ensenada and San Diego. In San Diego we spent the day with Chris, who lived there at the time. He was our Taxi for the day, as we visited the Zoo and other areas. Phil had just been through a very bad spell. Coming out of that, he had just enough energy to enjoy this trip. I remember he and his friend had their Gameboys going with a new Spider man game. I have pictures of them sitting on the deck of the ship by the pool, playing that game.

Saturday, I was back. Back in San Diego, for a very different reason, with a very different heart. I was attending a Women's Ministry Class with a group from my church. Some of us had gotten up in the wee morning hours to fly down there, others had driven down the day before. It was a great day of learning and laughing and also experiencing travelling once again as memories of my last flight with Phil crept into my thinking. It is a bearable sadness that I feel at this point. One of almost making a choice of whether I will allow the pain that I feel to consume me, or just to linger there in the background. Sometimes I pull it forward and flush the wound with tears, and sometimes I ask God to help me keep it at bay. Sometimes "it" decides! It is a sadness that is never really gone, although sometimes forgotten about for a few moments as I laugh at a joke, or am distracted by someone telling a story about what is going on in their life. A sadness that will be with me for quite some time, if not for the rest of my life, but not a sadness that will destroy what's left of my walk on this earth.

On Saturday, at one point, we were put into small groups for further discussion and teaching. The lady who sat on my right knew my pain. As we begin to tell about ourselves, and what kind of ministry we would like to be a part of, I squirmed in my seat a bit. Did I really want to go into the most painful story of my life with this small group of women that I didn't know? Did I really want to dive right in and tell them that it was only 11 weeks ago I lost my son? And lost was not the right word, because he is not lost to me, just missing from this earth for now. But then again, if I did not share with them about my life, there was no way I could share with them what I was doing there. And what was I doing there?

Well, I believe God has given me a passion to help others who are grieving, to come along side them and help them find God in the midst of their pain. Help them to know that He is near, that He has never left them, and never will. Maybe I can help them experience the love that I have experienced through this whole painful period of my life. But to tell that to this group this, I would have to expose my heart to them. My pain to them. And so, I did, only to find out that the woman on my right had lost her 18 year old daughter also. Many years ago, but she knows. She knows what I feel, no matter how much time has passed. I told them that I know I am not ready to come along side someone at this point because I have a long way to go in my own healing, but that perhaps God is calling me to do this in the future, and being in this class on this day was part of a step in that direction.

This is a two-year course...a slow process but just my speed right now for getting ready for God's calling on my life. Just being in this class, is a step in my healing. Just getting onto that plane is a step in my healing. Even wanting to... It's all a process that will take time, energy and lots of prayer, but a process that has a light at the end. A reason for being, a reason for hurting, and a reason for stepping back out into the world when I would rather not. When it might be too difficult to see that harbor where our ship had pulled in, or to revisit places I had been with Phil when his future was still unknown. All painful, all necessary if I am to heal.

I was not in San Diego for me, I was in San Diego for God, and my strength lies in Him. When I am acting in obedience to his call, I can do all things because He equips me to do them. When I step out in my weakness, He carries me with His strength. I don't know exactly where I am going, and I don't have a clue how long it will take me to get there, but I just keep moving in the direction He's asking me to go, knowing that tomorrow will take care of itself. I need only take care of the business of today. It is an exciting way to live life, because there is such peace in it. There is such joy in knowing that it's His will that I am seeking and it has eternal value, not just what I can get out of it for myself.

At the class, they talked about the history of women in the church. There is a history of women in the church, did you know that? I didn't know much about it, but I learned some yesterday. I also heard a man speak about a person's life in 1850, who decided to step out for God and make a change. That one decision for God, has changed the course of so many people's lives. The ripple effect will only be known when we all arrive in heaven. I want to be part of that ripple effect. I don't want to just walk this earth for the pleasures it can bring me, but I want to serve God. Because of Phil's life and his death, my life has been forever changed. That pain, those lessons, can be the start of that ripple effect that may start in the year 2002, and 150 years from now someone may be teaching a class and tell a story about a young boy with Leukemia who loved the Lord, and whose Mom didn't just lose her son for the rest of her days on this earth, but took a whole busload of people to heaven with her because she shared about his life and about their God. That is the ministry that I desire, and God says when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our heart. Not for riches, or things of this world, but for human souls who need to know that God is for them, and not against them. When I thought about going to the airport, I thought about that verse:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So what did I have to fear by stepping back out into the world? Absolutely nothing except some emotions that might have to be worked through, but emotions that God would understand and help me with. It doesn't kill us to feel that pain, although at times we think it just might, but it also heals us to feel that pain and know we will not die from it.

This morning in church the subject was "Pain". Boy, did I relate to that sermon! There are many good reasons for pain, all different types. Lepers don't feel pain and it causes them many problems with lost limbs. Pain is not pleasant, but it is there for a reason. My pain is not pleasant, but God will use it for good, because I love Him.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

If you sit with any person long enough, you will discover the pain in their lives. We all have it. We all have our stories. Some huge, some not so huge, unless it's your own!! If we can't share with each other and help each other on this journey, the journey would be a wasted trip. This trip to San Diego was not a wasted trip. It was well worth every painful memory it might have triggered because it's what life is all about. Learning, stretching and growing closer to the God who created us. Finding His will for our lives. Following his footprints into tomorrow, one step at a time. Our pastor said, "It's easy to know God. It's not so easy to follow him." Following takes trust and perseverance, but that is what produces character and hope. Life without it, just isn't really living at all!

Thanks for listening once again to my travels, my ramblings, and my emotional ups and downs through this painful process. I pour my heart out as I learn each day what seems to be most important, and what doesn't. People are important, love is important, eternity with the Father in heaven is important. The rest...well, you decide.

Tuesday I will be getting on another plane for my birthday trip to Nashville! This computer will be silent for awhile, but never fear! I have my Christmas present from Jim...a Palm with a keyboard. Have writing materials, will travel! :) I wonder what I will learn on this next adventure!! Many good things, I know!

I will leave you with a passage in Psalms that I was reading this morning. It seems to sum it all up for me, especially the last line "I will tell of all your deeds". That is why I write!!

Psalm 73:23-28
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

Have a wonderful day!

Love, Diane