Foolishness

Saturday, 30 Mar 2002

The cross is foolishness to those that don't believe in it. It is! It says so in the Bible.

1 Corinthians 1:18
I know very well how foolish the message of the cross sounds to
those who are on the road to destruction.
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Foolishness, all of it...unless, you've taken that step of faith. Then and only then do the scriptures start to make sense. Why? Because God speaks to our spirits, and not with human wisdom.

1 Corinthians 2:13-14
When we tell you this, we do not use words of human wisdom. We speak words given to us by the Spirit, using the Spirit's words to explain spiritual truths. But people who aren't Christians can't understand these truths from God's Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them because only those who have the Spirit can understand what the Spirit means.
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Sounds like a secret society doesn't it? Believe me, I know. I've been outside that door, wondering what was going on inside. It was years ago, but I still remember it well. Thinking about how crazy this world really seemed. I mean we come here, we live 80-90 years and then we die....what for?

The reason I am writing once again is probably because tomorrow is Easter. Last Easter, our family was together. All five of us.The day before Easter, which was April 14th, Phil was baptized in our neighbor's backyard. The poster-sized picture of him right after his baptism hangs here by my desk. It is probably my favorite picture of him of all times. He is filled with joy! The day after Easter we left for Hawaii. Jim and I, and our three boys. Phil was very sick, and I truly didn't know if he would live through our ten-day vacation. I was looking at those pictures yesterday and saw the bruises all over his legs from a lack of platelets. We had a doctor lined up over there should we need one, but we never did. Actually, Phil refused to even think about doctors in Hawaii. I don't blame him.

The pictures show the fun that we had, but they don't tell the whole story. I often wondered as we were surrounded by vacationers if any of them had any idea why we were there? How could they know? They didn't know our hearts were heavy because this vacation had been booked on the promise that should Phil relapse again, we would take the whole family to Hawaii. Phil wanted to see Hawaii before he died. One of the things on his "list".

Now here we are a year later. Phil has been gone 4½ months, and we are celebrating Easter without him. But not really. He is with us. He will always be in our hearts. But he is also with Jesus, his Savior and ours.

I was just out at Phil's grave for the first time since November. I told you I don't visit graveyards often... At long last his marker has been placed. It seemed to have gotten lost somewhere after we were told it had been delivered, but that's another story. It is there now, and I went out on this beautiful, sunny California day to visit. There it was... I wondered how I would react. I really didn't know. I wondered if I would once again feel that sickness in the pit of my stomach as I pictured Phil in his shorts and t-shirt under that dirt/lawn. I wondered...and I waited. And I stood there, and I looked around at the green hills and the traffic and the other graves and all I kept thinking was, he's not here. He's just not here. And he doesn't miss being here either. He doesn't miss the hustle and bustle of this world we live in. He doesn't miss the body that is in this grave that caused him such suffering. He doesn't miss anything. He doesn't care that I went and got flowers to put on his grave to spruce it up today, although I enjoyed the experience because I was doing something for him once again. But he doesn't care.

This is not a bad thing, but a good thing. When I stood there before and the picture of Phil in that grave came into my mind, it was almost more than I could stand. That is my son.

Not this time. This time, God gave me such a peace that I was almost numb. I forced myself to think about his body and his shorts and his t-shirt....still nothing. He wasn't there.

Others around me were visiting their loved ones. I could hear the tears, and the sniffles and I wanted so much to say, "They're not here".

Is that cold of me? Heartless? I'm not sure, except that I was glad for the peace. For the knowing that the only thing this grave held was the remains of what was once Phil. His spirit had moved on to a much better place. A place we cannot even imagine.

That place is what Easter is all about. That is why we had Holy Week, why I spent almost every morning this week starting out my day in prayer and meditation thinking about this final week of Christ's life. That is why we attended Good Friday service last night and pounded a nail, signifying our sins, into the wooden cross that had been placed by the stage. In the darkness, we walked forward and remembered what Jesus Christ has done for us. That is why we celebrate tomorrow because tomorrow is Resurrection Sunday! After three days, Christ was no longer in His grave. He had conquered death. He had given us the hope we all longed for. A way around what seemed and was, so final.

That is why I can stand over Phil's grave, place flowers in the holders, and look around me with peace in my heart and say, "he is not here". Yes, his body is here and will be until Christ returns, but his spirit has moved on to a better place. I can rest assured in that. I saw it leave. I was there, I saw what remained. Even his dog knew something had happened. Shortly after Phil died, his dog Dackel jumped on his bed, went to his cheek to lick him, stopped and turned around and left before doing so. Phil was no longer there, and she knew it. I don't know how dogs know that!

On Phil's grave marker it says, "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

As I left and got into my car, I pulled out my Bible and turned to that passage, only I didn't read that. I was led to read a little farther down where it says:

Philippians 2:12
Dearest friends, you were always so careful to follow my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away you must be even more careful to put into action God's saving work in your lives, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.

Verses 16-18
Hold tightly to the word of life, so that when Christ returns, I will be proud that I did not lose the race and that my work was not useless. But even if my life is to be poured out like a drink offering to complete the sacrifice of your faithful service (that is, if I am to die for you), I will rejoice, and I want to share my joy with all of you. And you should be happy about this and rejoice with me.
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Phil's life to me seems like a drink offering that was poured out. His 16 years here were for a reason, and I have already seen so many of those reasons come to light. So many of them I will never see until my time on earth is through. I can't say as yet that I am "happy about this", but I do rejoice. Phil completed his race. I told him that today, standing there at his grave. I told him that he had done a good job, and that his job was finished. He was faithful. My life will be forever changed because he lived and I don't want his work to be useless. He would not want that either after everything he went through here on earth. He did not choose to be sick, but he made the most out of what was given to him.

I made some notes in the final week of Phil's life. Quickly jotted down so that I would be able one day to go back and read them. I did that this morning. I also read some poetry that I had written when it looked as if he was not going to make it. I had not re-read that up until today either. Both helped me, because there were things that I had forgotten. It was comforting because so many of the memories that I had were foggy and this brought them to light. It showed me that there were things said that needed to be said, that I had forgotten had been said. There were things done that needed to be done, and prayers prayed that needed to be prayed, that had been. God was with us, and by re-reading these things it helped me to see that. One of the things that I noticed in my notes was how ready he was to leave this world behind. The only thing keeping him here was us. I read what I had written about how he seemed sad because he was thinking of not seeing everyone much longer. He had told me that he felt selfish because he wanted to go. He told me a couple of times to "tell everyone I said good-bye". I wrote that he was tired and he had said he'd rather go now, this is too hard. He said, "I just want us all to go together".

The struggle of wanting to go, but wanting to stay. Not knowing for sure what heaven was going to be like, but not wanting to remain here either. He just wanted us to all go together...don't we all, but that was not to be. We must remain here and continue on with our work, our race. Phil ran his and he ran it well.

There was probably a time when he thought the cross was foolishness too. I don't know exactly when he came to know Christ, but I know that he did. I know that he was happy to be baptized last year and I know that as we read the scriptures to him as he lay dying, they meant everything to him. EVERYTHING! He told me that he wished he had read more. Suddenly it all made sense to him, there as not one ounce of foolishness in it! It spoke right to his heart and helped him journey home.

Now I read the scriptures with the same hunger that Phil had on his final days here, because they mean everything to me. Jim even said that this week, this Holy Week, has meant more to him than ever before because of all we have gone through with Phil.

This is no game, this is the real thing, and we are feeling it deeply like never before. When we attend church tomorrow and we celebrate our Risen Lord, we will feel a sense of joy and peace and hope that only God can provide, and we know it!! We know it from the bottom of our hearts.

The Bible says:

Deuteronomy 6:4-5
"Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, and LORD alone. And you must love the LORD with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
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That is made easier when part of your heart already lives in heaven with our Risen Lord. Believe me!! God has our attention, as he had Phil's so completely on his last few days on this earth. The Cross is not foolishness to a dying boy, or to his parents!

Have a Joyous Easter!

Love, Diane