Who are you missing?

Saturday, 13 Apr 2002

Are you missing someone? I know a young man who just shipped out with the Coast Guard, leaving his sweetheart behind who is missing him. I know of a couple who have just moved a distance away from his parents taking a precious grandchild with them, leaving a void behind. I know a father who misses his son greatly, and is praying he will come back to God and the family. I know a young couple who are separated by many miles, trying to stay connected via the telephone. I know parents whose children live in heaven now, who are greatly missed here on earth.

These lives have been altered or changed by someone who is not close for the time being, but who is thought about more than daily, probably more times than we could count. Lives intertwined with other lives that change who we are, how we live, our priorities here. Some will be returning, some will be reunited on earth, and some will have to wait awhile for the reunion that is sure to come. We all miss someone, I'm sure, at different times in our lives. And we all have to adjust to living without them for however long that may be.

Who did Christ miss? Did He miss living with the Father in heaven while He walked this earth? I'll bet He did!!!! I would! Did He miss Lazarus when He arrived to find Mary and Martha upset over his death? That is where the shortest verse in the Bible is.

John 11:35
Jesus wept.
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Even the Son of God probably missed people. Will God miss those of us whose names are not written in the Book of Life when we are separated from Him for eternity? I would certainly think so. I'm just glad to know that since there are no tears in heaven, we earthly beings won't be missing those that are not there. I don't know how that is possible, but I believe that it is, because otherwise we would shed tears I'm sure. The missing here on earth is so great, and so many tears are shed for this very reason aren't they? I so look forward to not having that problem in heaven. What a relief it will be! I miss Phil so much, that that is probably one of the things that I look forward to the most. Not having to feel this missing anymore.

What makes me think about all this may be the new Bible study that I have just started. It is called "Breaking Free". Wow, that is what I want to do! I want to break free from this grief! The last thing I want to happen is for this grief, this missing, to keep me in bondage for the rest of my life, but for some strange reason, it seems sort of right if it does. It seems sort of "appropriate".

I mean, should life ever be normal again after losing someone so precious? Do I not have a "right" or even an "obligation" to mourn for a long, long time? Perhaps for the rest of my life? Do I really have the right to get on with the rest of my life? Sometimes, it seems wrong, however strange that sounds. Here is an example of why it sounds strange...

Since Phil has gone home, God has so richly blessed our family. We are doing well, and I mean well!! Our relationships with one another have only gotten better. Our friends and family have been supportive in every way. Our church community has surrounded us with love and help in any way we might need it. The normal daily struggles in life from water pipes busting to reservations that need to be made have gone as smoothly as possible. Our walk through grief, though very difficult, has been progressing and getting better as time goes on. God's peace and comfort is definitely being felt. Though the missing is great, there is no anger, not from Jim or me or either one of the boys. We have only grown closer to one another and to God through the last five months. (Yes, it's five months tomorrow.) Jimm and Chris even have a special someone in their life now, that adds a new dimension to our family that is fun and exciting! Our family seems to have gotten larger, not smaller!! I could go on and on with many details of God's hand upon our lives these last five months, but I think you get the picture. Life is good. We are moving on, and we are happy...BUT, BUT, BUT????? Why does that seem "wrong", although that is not the correct word. As a mother, perhaps, it seems that it would be better if the world would stop spinning. I want time to stand still, and all things to remain the same because Phil is not here to see the changes. He doesn't know that Chris got a new car, that his brothers have someone new in the lives, that Jim and I are going on vacation next week...he doesn't know...and it seems so "wrong". It seems that it should not be possible to be happy, to enjoy life, to just move on down the road when one of us is no longer part of the picture.

That is what could keep me in bondage for the rest of my life! That is what I need to break free of. If I let that thought, that strange way of thinking keep my mind and my emotions captive, I could become a prisoner in my grief, stay in the cell of despair for the rest of my days and never enjoy the freedom that Christ has offered to me by His death on the cross. What a shame that would be, but this world and the evil one who roams this earth would like that very much. He would like to keep me bound in those chains forever. And it is tempting....why? Because I miss Phil so much!!

1 Corinthians 10:13
But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.
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Sometimes I don't want to choose to be happy. Sometimes I don't want to choose the "way out". But as time goes on and as I adjust to living without Phil, I want to choose the way out more and more. I don't want to be held as a prisoner in the cell of grief. I just don't want to. That is not what God has called us to do. Yes, there is a time to mourn, and that time has not yet totally passed, but there is also a time to rejoice! I know that God is teaching me this, and that my life is "no different from what others experience". There are many who are held in bondage from grief, and many other things in this life. We all need to be set free! Many don't even know that they are prisoners!! They think that because they were abused, hurt, lied to, deserted, fired, walked on, neglected etc...that they are stuck right there. That there is no way of escape for them, as I might feel there is no way of escape for me from this missing and grieving that I feel right now. But there is!! I want to find that door, that exit, the key that will set me free, and I want to help others to know that it is available.

The first week of our new Bible study, we are to memorize this scripture verse:

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners...
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Wow! I think that's me!! I am brokenhearted, I am held captive at times by grief, I am in darkness like a prisoner thinking there is no way of escape, and God is showing me the way out. He is directing my path right to the door to freedom!! He has the key, and He is handing it to me, and soon I will be set free! I know I will, because with God it is possible. Only with God though, really and truly. I told a friend the other day that I am a strong person, but not this strong. This grief will destroy me without God. It will. I can't stand it, I can't stand not having Phil here and I don't want to live without him.

I want to go into my dark cell, lock the door tight and never emerge again. It's easier in there. I'm alone and I can cry to my heart's content and I don't have to face anything or anyone and I could just stay there until the day I die.....it's easier...or is it? I think that is actually the hard road to take, because it hurts so bad. But just because I don't lock myself in my room, doesn't mean that I might not be tempted to be held captive by those thoughts. I could walk and talk and work and eat and "look" normal, and still be held captive for the rest of my life, but I don't want to feel that pain for the rest of my days on this earth. I don't want anything to keep me captive like that even if it is the death of my son and what seems like a "worthy cause". I don't want to miss the gift of freedom that Christ has offered to me, that He died to give me!! That would be a tragedy! I want to someday be on the other side of that verse up above and say:

That the Sovereign Lord is on me (Diane) and that God has sent me (Diane) to preach good news to the poor in spirit. I want to be sent to bind up the brokenhearted because God has healed my heart, and I want to tell the captives in this world that there is a release from the darkness they live in. His name is Jesus Christ, and He has come to set you free from whatever has locked you in that cage! I don't want people to have to walk this earth with chains that drag them down, when there is a key that will unlock their shackles!! Hey, I don't want to live like that, do you?!! Let's let God help us out of there!! Even if the reason seems like a perfectly good one to retreat, let's not! The evil one lies to me saying that I should be miserable, that I should think about all the terrible things and not dwell on the good things, but I want to stop that! Even if it's so big and so bad that it probably gives me the right to "complain", I don't want to! Christ didn't say He came to set the captives free except those with the really big problems. He said all of us! If I can climb back up out of this dark pit by reaching for the hand of God, then you can too! Whatever it is that has put you there, don't let it keep you there! Reach up! Look up! There is hope! God fills up the empty spaces in our lives no matter what or who we are missing. When we put Him first, all the rest falls neatly into place. The problem is we try to put everything else in first and squeeze Him in at the end, but God will fill us when we are empty.

Last night I was emotionally empty. I had nothing left in reserves, the "red light" was on, the "engine" was stopping, I needed to pull over to the side of the road and put the "hazard lights" on...I needed "fuel" and I needed it now! It was one of those times when I was down so low, I thought some sort of drug would be good here, something that could just make this pain go away for awhile. I even thought, where are those pills they prescribed for Phil...are they still in the cupboard? The ones they told us he might need in his final days to keep him emotionally and physically calm. The ones that when prescribed I told the Hospice nurse, we are reading the Word of God to Him and that keeps him calm. I told her, what he really needs is Platelets!!! Because physically, he was more worried about bleeding than he was about dying! Anyway, I'm getting off the subject here. I started to wonder if those pills were in the house. I know it's getting bad when my mind goes in that direction, so I retreated. I let God fill me up, refuel my mind and my emotions by spending time alone with Him. With His word, in prayer and in solitude. Does it work? Yes, it does. It really does. The peace of God which transcends understanding begins to fill up those places that only God can fill. And He heals the hurts that only He can heal. After that time with God, I was able to spend the rest of the evening tired, but comfortable. Not drugged, not covering the pain with something that would dull it, but I had cleaned the "wound" with God's ointment that will eventually heal the damage that has been done. Little by little, time after time, I will go and get the fuel that I need to fill the tanks that are empty and missing Phil, and little by little I will be set free from the bondage of grief.

Psalm 147:5-7
But happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God.
He is the one who made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them.
He is the one who keeps every promise forever,
who gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.
The Lord frees the prisoners.
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Our family is happy and life is moving on because we have God as our helper! It is not wrong, it is very right!! He is the One who is setting us FREE to enjoy the rest of our lives. If He can do that after the loss of such a precious boy, He can do anything!!!

Love, Diane

P.S. I hope the friend's and family's lives I used as examples
of missing in the first paragraph do not mind...?! :) Thanks!