Helpful Gestures

Sat, 12 Jan 2002

Have you ever wondered what helps a grieving person most? Have you wondered what words to say, what words to write, what cards to send, what gestures would mean the most? I don't really have any perfect or complete answers to those questions because each day is different, each person is different and each situation surrounding a loss is different but I want to share one gesture with you, just to let you know how much little things can mean a lot. How they can change a morning of grief into a morning of joy, and how the person who did it may never realize what happened when they took a few moments to reach out and touch another person. Here is my experience for today...

My heart was heavy this morning, a bit exhausted once again from another week gone by. I relish my time with God, my time reading His word and the peace that comes from that but sometimes I am searching for what God would have me look for today. What words will enlighten my heart, what direction will He take me in today that will help me get through this missing and enjoy the day ahead? I clicked on an e-mail message from a friend and found a passage of scripture that had been included in that e-mail. It seemed to be just what I was needing so I turned to that section in the Bible and started reading.

It was John 16:22
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again
and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

Right above that in verse 21 it says: A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.

We mothers can relate to that, because if we didn't forget the "anguish", we would NEVER have another child! :) Never ask a mother who has just delivered if she would like more children...wait at least a day or so! It doesn't take long. We are so much in love with that baby, of course we would go through it again. The only problem then is wondering how we could ever love another child as much as we love this one. That problem is solved when the next baby is born! Love at first sight! :)

And so... my thoughts went this morning. Thinking about the anguish and the pain, and the joy that will follow it. I read through this section, about Jesus' last moments on this earth with His disciples, trying to explain to them that He would be going away, and they will mourn, but after a little while they will see Him again and their grief will turn to joy. He was telling them these things so that they would have peace. He was the Prince of Peace. When He appeared to the disciples after His resurrection the first thing He said was "Peace be with you!". Again He said, "Peace be with you!". I have recently said, if someone offered me peace, or one million dollars right now, I'd take peace. Living without peace is just something I don't want to do. Without peace, there is no joy, there is no fun, there is no pleasure, there is simply anxious thoughts and stomachaches and stress and tears. I need the peace of God, like never before because at this time in my life, there is no in between. I am either in God's peace, or I am a mess. And I can go from one to the other without warning. I think that is what grief is. Emotions can get out of control, and mine are only controlled at all by the peace of God which transcends understanding. I am able to feel that kind of peace, but with fresh grief, it is a constant process of staying focused and asking God for help. Because it is a constant work in progress, the small gestures of others are what sometimes keep me focused. When I find myself in a fog, not knowing which way to turn and someone sends me a message, or a verse, or a card, or gives me a hug with a warm smile that shows me they care, or tells me about a song that I then listen to, or shares an encouraging word etc... sometimes that is all I am needing to make it through those next few hours. Sometimes they think they are not helping, or there must be something more they can do, it is such a small thing, but it's the small things that add into the big things, that carry me from hour to hour and from day to day.

It's just like my questions to God. A lot of them are small requests, and usually they are repeated day after day, sometimes in the same day. Requests like "help me, give me strength, let me know that Phil is okay without me, etc..." many different things, but things I repeat over and over until I move onto another phase of recovery. Small things, one step at a time, nothing huge, just reassurances, and your gestures are part of that whole process.

When Phil was sick, I learned to use "tools" to cope. Inspirational books, prayers, the Bible, CD's, writing, fun times, quiet times, time with Phil, time away. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, but things that helped me get through each day. This time of grief is no different. It will be years of a little bit of this and a little bit of that until it all adds into healing from the greatest pain I have ever felt. And I guess what I am trying to say here is, don't think that because you have not painted a Picasso and given it to me to show you care, or you have not flown me to Tahiti for a vacation getaway, that you are not helping me. You help me by just showing that you care, in the little things along the way. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community of caring people to help a grieving person recover because each person in that community of helping hands does one small part here and there to keep us moving forward, one inch at a time until those inches turn into feet and those feet turn into miles, and years down the road we are able to look back and see how far we have come. When the recovery is measured in inches in the beginning, it seems like a long road ahead and we need all the encouragement we can get, a little bit at a time. Never think it is un-needed or too small to be noticed. I have noticed them all, believe me and I thank God for all the kind gestures we have been shown along the way. You may never know when you have just turned my mourning into joy because you have done something that shows me a new and different way to look at the trial I am going through. You may never know, but I do and God does. I hope if I do not thank you all personally, you will still feel the joy in your heart you that have given to me.

For today, thank you Graham for the verse in John 16:22 that carried me through this morning. I will grieve for awhile, but my grief WILL turn to joy. My anguish will be forgotten when I see Phil again. I was reminded of that in God's word this morning because Graham took the time to share it with me. A small gesture, that transformed my day. A blessing from a friend who showed he cared, as so many of you have also done. Thank you!!!!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Love, Diane