Who Would I Be?

Tuesday, 06 Aug 2002

Who would I be without my precious son? Some may say I AM without him, but I am not. He lives in my heart, he fills my thoughts, he has changed who I am each day I live because he lived. Why would God give me a child, bring him here to enjoy this life for a short time, and then wisk him away from me as I live out the rest of my days on this earth?

To many of us, isn't that the ultimate question? The one that seems to make the least amount of sense? The one that can bring us such great heartache after such a loss? We look for answers that aren't easily found, if ever. We search through each day looking for a reason for the great hurt in our lives. We wonder if God has a perfect plan, or if somehow this was a mistake that was made.

And why us? Did we do something to cause this? Did we make a mistake? Did we do something wrong in our past that caused this hurt? The thoughts roll through our minds as we try to live with a heart that is so heavy. As we try to make some sense of what has happened. As we try to absorb the reality that it really has happened.
Sometimes it seems too real, and other times, it seems an impossibility.
Not us, these things happen to other people.
And yet, this time...it is us. We are the ones, and we will never be the same again.

So, who would I be if not for this child of mine? I would still be a mother, because I have two other wonderful sons. I would still be a wife, because my husband still lives. I would still be a daughter, and a sister and a friend. But what about my relationship with God? What kind of shape would that be in? God only knows, but I wonder...

When my life was going along "as planned", I was still on the road "home". Heaven would still have been my final destination. My faith in God was there, my dependence on a Savior was real, but where was it? I think of it now as being on the back burner, simmering, not closely watched, not stirred very often, not bubbling with excitement. It just was. People who know me now ask me who I was then, and this is how I explain it. A back-burner type of Christian. Oh sure, lift the lid and you'll find Jesus in my heart, but you might have to dig through the sauce of life to find some meat.

Who am I now? I am a front-and-center kind of Christian, with the burner turned on high and the pot bubbling over with the goodness of our Mighty God! You don't need to lift the lid to see what's cooking, because I'll jump out of the pan and splatter it all over you if you're not careful! I'm OUT THERE, so to speak, and I can't seem to help it.

Then again, should I? Should I be quiet when I have healed more and go back to a back-burner kind of faith and simmer for the rest of my days here on earth? I hope and pray that I never will. I wonder about it, yes I do. I got a chance to test it out a bit in Kansas City when Jim and I were there. Do you know how? I tested it by finding God on level ground. Usually, I am so far down in the deep, dark pit, that I have to look up and strain to see the light. I have to cry out to God from the deepest level of despair and ask for help. The great thing is, it is always waiting there for me. God is always available.

In Kansas City, I was rested and relaxed and feeling good. I was able to be quiet and find God easily because the distractions of a normal day were not there. There were no errands to do, there were no clothes to wash, there were no beds to make and the phone didn't ring. I was alone, with God, in peace, and I could have ignored Him all day long if I wanted to. I wasn't desperate just to breathe. I could have sat and watched Soap Operas, read any book, or slept all day if I wanted to, but I chose to find God on level ground and experience that once again. And I found that it was good! That God can be found and be enjoyed even when a crisis doesn't rage in my heart. It was good to know because it seems like my heart has hurt for so long, I don't remember finding God as much in the peace as in the storms. I know these storms won't rage forever and that my heart will heal and life will resume some normalcy and what will I do then? Will I leave God behind on the back burner and focus on this world once again? I sure hope not because I feel like a foreigner here and I like it!!

Hebrews 13-16
All these faithful ones died without receiving what God had promised them, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed the promises of God. They agreed that they were no more than foreigners and nomads here on earth. And obviously people who talk like that are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had meant the country they came from, they would have found a way to go back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a heavenly city for them.
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This world is not my home. It is just a temporary situation that will someday end, and what will then begin is an eternity in my real home where I won't have to deal with this pain of separation.

So who would I be without Phil? Maybe I would be a Christian who is missing out on the best part of Christianity. The trust part, the resting part, the joyful part, and I would be working through my days and stressing through my days as if I needed to. As if this was all there was, and I needed to worry about it. What a shame that would be when we are offered so much by God.

I don't want to live without Phil, but I have to. I have no choice. I do have a choice in how I live without him though. I told my best friend today that I am happy, even though I have a heavy heart. That is the truth. I am happy, and I have not used that word in awhile. I have felt joy, but not happiness of late. Now I feel a sense of happiness and it is great! I don't take it for granted! I could make a list for you of things that I would like to change in my life right now, but I have found that concentrating on that list does me no good at all. Concentrating on the goodness of God does me a lot of good! Why should I be my own worst enemy? I tried it and I don't like it!

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.
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And why not? What does the opposite get you? Depressed and sad and lonely and miserable, and then you make those around you miserable so they don't want to be around you and then you're miserable because nobody wants to be around you! Sounds like the workings of the evil one to me!! Why should we be listening to him when God has a much better way?

Am I passionate about my God? Well yes, I am!!!!!!! Will I scare some people off? I believe so, but I hope that instead of scaring people off, it will rub off! God is good! He is here to help us through any difficulty, and He has a track record to prove it!

Isaiah 46:9
Remember the former things, those of long ago.
I am God, and there is no other.
I am God, and there is none like me.
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You can read it in the Bible, but I have lived it. I can look back on my life, and especially back on the last 8½ months and I can see God clearly! Many from the outside looking in only see sadness or tragedy. I wish you could live in my skin for a day and see things from my perspective. You would LOVE God with all your heart! That is why my pot wants to boil over and splatter all over you. That is why the evil one tells me to shut up, to stop writing, that I'm too intense and I need to chill a bit...because he knows the damage I might do to his lies and deceptions.

Do you know that when I write an e-mail, most times I will get attacked afterwards by the enemy in one way or another? Usually it's thoughts that go through my head. With my last e-mail, he told me that "It is just a stupid book! You go on and on about that stupid book!".
With the e-mail before that he reminded me that
"I had just told the world I am a failure! What will they think?"...and so it goes.

I wonder what scheme he will use after tonight's e-mail? I can assure you that he will come up with something,

1 John 4:4
But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won your fight with these false prophets, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.
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And I don't have to listen to those lies! I can pray them away and get on with serving the Kingdom of God as I feel called to do. I can go to the Bible and find reassurance that having a passion for God and "splattering" it all over those around me is okay by God! He calls us to do it!

Psalm 107:2
Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!
TELL OTHERS he has saved you from your enemies.

Psalm 107:6-8
"Lord, help!" they cried in their trouble, and he rescued them from their distress.
He led them straight to safety, to a city where they could live.
Let them PRAISE THE LORD for his great love and for all his wonderful deeds to them.

Psalm 107:21-22
Let them PRAISE THE LORD for his great love and for all his wonderful deeds to them.
Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving and SING JOYFULLY about his glorious acts.

Psalm 107:32
Let them EXALT HIM publicly before the congregation and before the leaders of the nation.

Psalm 108:3
I will THANK YOU, LORD, in front of all the people.
I will SING YOUR PRAISES among the nations.
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So who is telling me to be quiet? It is surely not God when His word tells me that I should praise Him and thank Him and exalt Him!

Will I drive some away? Of course! They do not want to hear about a great and mighty God who can rescue them from their distress because..........???? That I don't know! I cannot understand why we would not turn to the One who knows us best and who wants the very best for us. I cannot understand why we turn away from God in our troubles, turning to the very one who caused our troubles in the first place. We end up pledging our loyalty to the enemy...maybe he stops attacking us then because maybe we are no good for the Kingdom of God. But maybe not! Maybe our life continues to be hard and the hurts keep coming and we continue to be loyal to the one who is hurting us. Why? I don't know!

I choose the other side! I choose God! I choose to have Him rescue me because I know He can, and I know He is the only One who holds the hope I am looking for.

A friend told me this morning, something she had heard.

"Do you want to go to the Feast or the BBQ?"

We laughed! Of course we want to go to the Feast because even though we like BBQ....it's not so great when you're the one on the grill!!

I don't mean to be morbid here, but I am in a battle and it is not with the things of this world! This is a spiritual battle meant to take me down and it will, if I don't hold fast to the promises of God and let Him carry me to victory!

There is a lot of hurt going on in the world. Just this last week I heard of a young 12 year old who committed suicide, I heard of a father killed in a car accident, I read about the preparations being made to remember the anniversary of 9-11, and so on, and I saw a program being advertised in remembrance of Princess Diana. It made me think back to the night she died and how very sad it was. I remembered the funeral procession with her sons following behind her casket, and then...I went on with my life...her boys did not. They thought about her every day, and still do. Just like I do with Phil now. It becomes a battle that will never end, and one that can destroy us when it hits so close to home.

It is easy to forget about when you don't have to walk by that empty bedroom numerous times a day. It is easy to forget about when you don't know the intimate details of that person's life and aren't reminded of each little detail with everything you do throughout your day. It is not a battle to you, just a sad story you heard and perhaps prayed about for a time. But when you are in the midst of the battle, it continues to rage! It continues to try and destroy you each and every day you live, and it will....if you are not connected to the source of power that can defeat such an enemy.

Why do I "shout it from the rooftops?" Why does my pot bubble and splatter all over those around me? Because I can't help it! Because who I was before, has changed. Because who I have become is excited about the things of God!

Who would I be without Phil? I have no idea, but I know who I am now that I have shared my life with him. Someone who will not miss out on the life that God has intended for me!

And when I get to heaven? I will bow before that mighty throne and thank God for loving me as He does and I will find my son and I will thank him for changing my life forever for the better!

As I talked with a friend today about our children, who now live in heaven together, I realized that I too look for outside indications of what Phil's life meant, of outside reasons why he had to die so young, of outward signs of how God is using it for good, and what I need to remember is that if no one else on this earth was changed by Phil being here, I was....I was, and will always be!! He impacted my life probably more than anyone else ever will.

Does it matter to anyone else that he lived? I know it does, but I will never know the extent of it. I will know the extent of it in my own life, and so far it is enormous!!

God has a plan for each and every one of our lives, whether we live a few hours or 100 years. Maybe we will reach out and touch others, and maybe the life that is seemingly cut so short will cause us to reach out and touch others, but no matter what, it is never wasted if we keep our focus on the One who knows all.

God did not intend for Phil's life to destroy mine, he intended for Phil's life to improve mine...now it's up to me to decide if it will...

SPLATTER!! SPLATTER!! SPLATTER!!

Don't stand too close unless you want to get a taste of God's goodness!! :)

Love,
Diane