"I See The Heavens..."

Wednesday, 12 Jun 2002

I was reading Acts 7 this afternoon. I had asked God where I should go in the Bible, and this came to me, so I turned there. I wondered what I would find. This chapter is about Stephen. In Acts 6 it says that Stephen was a man full of God's grace and power.

He doesn't get many pages in the Bible, but he got enough to make an impact.

As I was reading along, I came to the end of Acts 7 where Stephen's life came to an abrupt end. He was stoned to death.

You might think this was his worst day...but I doubt it. Since it talks about Stephen gazing upward into heaven and seeing the glory of God, and seeing Jesus standing at God's right hand. I think that would be the best day of my life!

You might think he would be angry at those who stoned him...but he wasn't. It says his last words were, "Lord, don't charge them with this sin!". Wow, why would anyone say that to a group of people who were stoning them to death?

You might think that those around him would never believe in Jesus...but at least one did. Saul, later known as Paul, who was transformed by the resurrected Christ and spent the rest of his life spreading the Good News.

I asked God why He was having me read this today. As I read, I started remembering Phil's vision of heaven. I thought that I had told this part of Phil's story, but many seem surprised when it comes up, so maybe I haven't shared it with you. It is an awesome experience that I will never forget. It happened on Monday night, two nights before Phil went home...

I was lying with Phil on his bed. He was on his back, and I was on my stomach next to him. I was reading to him out of the Bible, and he started to cry. He said, "Mom, everything you are reading to me answers every question I have in my head". He said something to the effect that he didn't read the Bible much before, but now he sees why you need to.

After awhile, he said, "Mom...I see a light".
(I had asked Phil that if he ever saw a light, would he please tell me.)
I said, "Phil, go towards the light!"
I remember looking at his closed eyes, at his eye lids, and thinking, I don't see anything...
Then he was quiet...I'm not sure how long he was quiet. I'm not sure if he continued breathing, or if his heart continued beating. I'm not even sure what I did during those moments, but after some time had passed Phil sort of gasped and he jerked back a bit, and then when he spoke, his words had an angry tone to them.
He said, "I THOUGHT I was finished!! Oh, I don't want to be here!"
He seemed disturbed, which was so unlike Phil. To hear an angry tone come out of him was foreign most of the time.
So, being the weird mother that I am, I asked him some questions, because I WANTED to know!  My mom has said she doesn't want me next to her bed when she is dying! :)
Hey, you don't get to talk with someone every day who has seen heaven!!
He said, "Mom, I saw heaven. There were a lot of people there..."
I asked him what it looked like and if he recognized anyone. I asked him if he saw Jesus. He didn't see Jesus, and he didn't recognize anyone, and he said it looked sort of like a picture of heaven that he had in his wallet. He said it was so beautiful!!
He still seemed disturbed, and so I thanked him.
Yes, I thanked him for coming back and telling me about seeing heaven. I told him that God knew I needed to hear about it, and then he quieted down. His peace returned and he told me something else. He told me that the devil had been lying to him. He said that the devil had told him that it hurts to die, and it doesn't. He said his lungs stung a bit because he had tried to stop breathing, but it didn't hurt. And he said he felt bad because he didn't want to breathe anymore, but he didn't want God to be mad at him, so he thought he should try to breathe again.
This is what he told me...and please keep in mind, Phil was not a person who told stories, who made things up, or even elaborated on the truth a bit. He was usually just very straight forward and honest with whatever he said. He was one to be believed when he told you something.

I don't know why Phil was given a glimpse of heaven before going home, but I'm glad he was able to. I'm glad he was able to share it with me, and it comforts me to know he is happy now. Phil rarely got mad, and he loved being here, and he loved us, and as sick as he was, it was difficult for him to want to leave, but one glimpse of heaven was all it took. After one short experience of feeling the peace that awaited him, he wanted nothing to do with this world anymore.

I bet that's the way Stephen must have felt.

In Acts 7:55-56 it says:

But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed steadily upward into heaven and saw the glory of God, and he saw Jesus standing in the place of honor at God's right hand. And he told them, "Look, I see the heavens opened and the Son of Man standing in the place of honor at God's right hand!"
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I'm not saying Phil is like Stephen, please don't get me wrong. Stephen was a great man of God who is honored to have his story in the Bible, but I am saying that Stephen's story helped me to remember Phil's experience and how awesome it will be to see heaven some day.

Acts: 7:59
And as they stoned him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." And he fell to his knees, shouting, "Lord, don't charge them with this sin!" And with that, he died.
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Stephen didn't have much time between when he saw heaven, and when he arrived there.

Phil had about 48 hours between when he saw heaven and when he went home to heaven. During that time, his memories of that experience had a chance to fade. In fact, at one point when he was needing to know about God's promises and God's grace, I reminded him of his heavenly vision. He said that it was getting harder to remember it. I have to take into consideration how sick he was, how his body was failing him, but that was in less than 48 hours...

How quickly we forget God's provisions for us, and this is not to put Phil down in any way. I am just being honest with you here about his experience and the things that he told me. I am so grateful for all that he shared with me, and I know because he has arrived in his heavenly home already, he would want me to share whatever might be useful to help others know of God's goodness. But it does make me think about how quickly we can forget how good God is to us. He answers our prayers and we are so grateful and we say we will trust Him with all we have and then the next day a new "storm" arises and there we are again, back to stressing about whether God will provide in this new situation. It is our human fleshly way of thinking. I forget also. I panic and get worried about tomorrow even after all that God has shown me. That's why I keep going back to God's Word and spending time with Him. It is the only way, I am finding, to be able to rest in God completely. I need to know Him more and more, so I don't forget. The only way through this grief is to not forget, and to trust. When God's Word is fresh on my mind, when I have just spent time with Him, then I don't forget so easily and I am not so easily swayed by the strong winds in a storm. Then my house is built on solid rock, not shifting sands.

Matthew 7:24-27
"Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys me is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse, because it is built on rock. But anyone who hears my teaching and ignores it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and the floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will fall with a mighty crash."
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I have taken that mighty crash, and I don't like it at all!  I have forgotten God's promises at times and those are the hardest times of all. I have learned to depend on God's Word like never before in my life. I have learned the importance of quiet time, being still and knowing that He is God. I have learned that there is only one way through this and that is God's way. And I continue to learn. I don't think for a moment that I have arrived...no way, no how. This is a journey and I am somewhere in the middle of it, but I couldn't tell you where. I just know that when it is finished, the victory is mine because Jesus has already secured that.

I have likened dying to being born. When Phil was in his final hours, we coached him and wiped the sweat from his brow and brought him cool water and encouraged him. When he left this world, it was literally like watching him being born into heaven and his room looked like a delivery room when he was gone.

I guess it's sort of backwards though. Phil was born into heaven, and now I labor.
Before, I labored, and Phil was born on earth.
Now I have the pains, now I have to focus and relax and breathe.
I aced my Lamaze classes. I really did! :) I had all three of my boys with no drugs. That was in the days when they told us how much it would hurt the baby to take any sort of pain medication...!! Well, we wouldn't want to do that now, would we?!! What was I thinking!? :)
But God knew, because God knew that those three labor and deliveries would in some strange way prepare me for now. I think about it so often, how I focused, how I relaxed with each contraction. Once in awhile Jim would see my brow furl and he would know I wasn't relaxing so he would remind me to relax and breathe....I'D LIKE TO REMIND HIM...!!  HA He would bring me ice chips and coach me each step of the way.
Now, God is coaching me through this with His Word. He is reminding me to unfurl my brow and relax. To lay back and rest. To not fight against the pain in my heart but let God deliver me from it. You may think it is crazy, but it is truth! When panic starts to rise in my chest and I think I can't stand one more minute without Phil, I relax, I breathe and I pray, and I remember that I don't have to do this. God will do it for me. He will get me through this, like he has every day so far.

It's not easy, but it is possible. Tonight as I arrived at church, I greeted some friends in the lobby. One of my friends was there with her son and it was a sweet scene as he stood with his arm around his mom. It was a sweet scene to see his love for her and it was a sweet scene for me personally because I saw a glimpse of Phil. He would have had his arm around me, no embarrassment, just sweet love. My heart skipped a beat and I took a breath, and God comforted my heart once again. Easy...NO WAY! Possible? With God, yes! Peace reigned in me because God filled the hole in my heart with His love.

I am up to one day at a time now!! I feel like in this last week, I can truly say that. I know that when I wake in the morning, God will get me through the day. It used to be just minutes at a time.

In the last week or so, there have been days when I woke up and my first thought has not been about Phil not being here. This is progress. I remember the first morning it happened, a couple of minutes had passed and I was shocked when it dawned on me that I hadn't thought about Phil yet. Now it seems to be happening more often.

Changes are taking place, progress is being made in these almost seven months without Phil being here. The journey is still difficult and the pain is still intense, but there will be a delivery here one day, that I know. The more I get to know God, the more I trust Him. The more time I spend in His word, the more I am learning about the life He wants us all to have. Not pain free, not trouble free, but FREE!!  Truly free!!

I'll leave you with my favorite verse right now. I repeat it often throughout the day...

You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast
because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3
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God keeps me in perfect peace when I keep my mind on him and not on my troubles!
So amazing, but so true!

Have a wonderful day!
Love, Diane

P.S. Just to let you know about a previous e-mail. No one has sent me word to discontinue sending these e-mails to them. Some may have misunderstood what I was saying in "God's healing" about that. You have all been extremely kind and I appreciate all of you allowing me to share my heart!