Mother's Day

Saturday, 11 May 2002

How many of you knew that I would have to write about this day? I guess most of you because what day have I missed so far? I mean of the big, important, difficult firsts that we have to go through? Why are the "first" always so painful? I wonder why that is really? It's that way with the small things too, not just the holidays. The first bowl of clam chowder I ate knowing that Phil loved clam chowder, the first time seeing a movie without him, even the first haircut I got after he died. Because Phil didn't know I got it cut? Silly, but true. I don't want anything to change, but it does. I don't want the world to spin, but it does. I don't want to celebrate the holidays, but we do. Usually, a bit different than before. Some things the same, some things different.

Do you know that Monday will be six months since Phil went home? I have to say it was the longest winter of my life, so I hope this is the longest summer because I do not look forward to winter again. Although, I know it must come...

Today is a beautiful day here in Pleasanton. Chris (son) and I went out for lunch. His treat to me for Mother's Day. We wanted to avoid the crowds tomorrow in the restaurants! After lunch we took a hike up into the foothills here. It was a warm hike, but very relaxing as we got the chance to talk as we walked. His life is moving on and he will probably soon be moving out again and in with a buddy, some place close. He is ready to be on his own again, and that is fine. I know that God brought him home to be with Phil and us. What a gift that was. God's perfect timing, as he had been in San Diego for almost a year. Can I tell you the story of what brought him home? I think it's a great "God thing". Please bear with me...

Chris was living in San Diego and out looking for work once again. He had an opportunity to work for a certain company but he had to join the Union to do so. He needed his Birth Certificate, His Social Security card and his High School transcripts to join. He gave us a call, I gathered those papers together and quickly mailed them to him... to the wrong address!! In the process they were lost! Because that Wednesday had passed, and this could only be done on Wednesdays, we started the process all over again for the next week, also contacting the proper authorities that there might be another "Chris Shore" now walking around San Diego with his papers. So, the next Wednesday came and Chris borrowed a friend's jeep to drive to the Union office. There he was with the papers on the seat next to him, driving down the San Diego freeway when... whooosh!! Out of the jeep (convertible) the papers flew!! Yes, once again, never to be retrieved because you don't go running around on the San Diego freeways gathering your papers up!! Chris called home once again to tell us what had happened, and then he also told me that he felt the need to move home and had been praying about whether he should or not. When the papers flew out of the jeep, for a second he was frustrated, but then he knew he had his answer. He was not to go after this job, but to head back home. That is when I told him over the phone what I had not yet shared with him yet... that Phil was very sick, and I didn't want to tell him that until after his job hunt was secured, but that I agreed with him and it was time to move home and to be close to Phil and us. He was packed and moved within the week. What a blessing that was for him to be able to spend those months with Phil.

But, time moves on, and now he is ready to be on his own again. We are ready too, and in fact, Jimm may be moving back in with us now until he secures another apartment in the area. In and out, they come and go...but it keeps life interesting! :)

Speaking of coming and going... Jim is off on a motorcycle adventure to Kansas City and back, having met the requirement of riding 1,000 miles in 24 hours, and then another 500 miles within a 36 hour period, so 1,500 in 36 hours. I think this is for a certificate and a pin having said he did it... okay! If he calls that fun! :) He will be back on Tuesday and is in South Dakota visiting with relatives right now. It was a business trip, with adventure and fun tucked in on each side of it.

Yes, time and life move on, as it should. And holidays come and go, as they should, as Mother's Day will. I know it will be another day that God carries me through, where I breathe deep and pray hard and miss Phil, but am also so thankful for all that God has blessed me with. The A's play on Sunday, and the weather is going to be sunny and warm! I'll be at the ball park eating a hot dog, same as on Easter! That's right! Jim and I went to an A's game on Easter too. Unheard of for us, but that was another "God-thing". Can I share? This is fun, sharing God things today. You don't have to read this if you don't want to, I'm just enjoying myself here! HA

Easter Sunday, Jim and I are at church, coming out of the service when my brother taps me on the shoulder. Now, there were four services on Easter with hundreds of people at each service, but we picked the same service to go to and walked out about the same time, not having even known the other was there. We stood in the lobby chatting and then my brother asked us what we were doing for Easter? We told him we were going to the A's game. Part of me was wondering if God would be angry at us for spending His special day in that way, having never done it before. We had always spent the day with family, but on this day even Jimm and Chris were working, and my sister's family had a terrible flu bug, so we weren't going near their house!!

My brother looked at us a bit strangely when we answered his question and then he said he had two tickets to the A's game for Easter Sunday in his wallet. Did we have our tickets already? Well, no we don't, we were just going to buy them at the game. He proceeded to tell us that his boss had the tickets, in a great spot behind home plate, and he had given them to my brother. My brother took them knowing that he could not use them because they were going to a brunch. He had just told his wife during the church service that the game would be starting soon and he needed to get rid of these tickets... so would we like to have them? Well, you bet we would! Thank you God for this gift!! I felt like God had said, go to the game and have a good time on Me!! We did!

"God things"...they happen all the time. We call them coincidences... or we used to. Now we call them "God things". To us, nothing is a coincidence. God is in control. We choose our path but God directs our steps.

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's so much fun to watch God do this. In the past, I could only see this in retrospect. It was like, "oh, that was God doing that". But now, I see it happening as it happens. It is fun! God at work. That is why we can rest in Him. He does the work, He just asks us to show up. To trust Him, and allow Him to, willingly. Answered prayers always look different. Chris could have fought against what happened with those papers he lost and gathered them for a third time and headed back on the next Wednesday to join the Union. He could have, but he didn't. He listened to his heart, he listened to God answering His prayers in what seemed a very strange way. But in retrospect, it was such a wonderful answer because God knew Phil was sick and He knew Chris needed to be here to spend that time with Phil before Chris even knew Phil was sick again. Before I even had to tell him. I didn't want him to plan his life around Phil's illness. Those years had been tough enough on Chris, he needed to do what he needed to do, but God took care of it all, and he brought Chris home with a willing heart. What a blessing!

Just like those A's tickets. We hadn't prayed for free A's tickets behind home plate. But we had prayed for God to help us through Easter without Phil. And God did, in a way that only God could do, by blessing us with a gift that shows how much He loves us.

Mother's Day will be no different. I don't know what will happen. Right now I am not looking forward to it because I think my heart will hurt more than it normally does, but I can assure you of this. I will have my eyes open and I will be watching to see what God has in store. I know He's already helping me get through it with the wonderful time he gave me today with Chris. I know that God will be there tomorrow, and so will my parents because their van broke down and they cannot pull out until Monday. (They travel full time with their trailer) So, they will be joining me at the A's game. Unplanned in our book, very planned in God's!! He will never leave us alone, and most times He will bring others to be with us. (With Jim out of town and the boys needing to work)

Another "God thing?" :)

I'll end this with a poem I just wrote for my book, as I call it. Really, it is just a journal with more thoughts on this whole grieving process. Thanks for "listening" once again!

When Nothing Else Exists

Lord, I know you're with me, I feel you every day
I long to know you better, and as times goes by I stay
Closer to your presence, soaking up your Word
I need you close beside me, it's for you alone I thirst
I thought I might not make it, this grief was oh so hard
I missed my precious son, and my heart was torn apart
But you have never left me, each time I call on you
You answer me with kindness, and fill my heart up too
The hole that was created, when Philip said good-bye
Is filled to overflowing, when I seek you and I cry
Out for all your strength, to help me when I'm weak
You help me stand and bear it, you never turn your cheek
And look the other way Lord, when I feel all alone
You are here beside me, with you I am at home
With you I can get comfortable, curl up with your Book
Dive into its pages, I find you when I look
To you for all the answers, for help in my despair
You're the only One, who is always, always there
You say you are my Savior, I've found that to be true
Not only for eternity, but also in everything I do
I can walk this road Lord, with you here at my side
I can find your light Lord, in the dark and dreary night
I can stand the pain Lord, that tears my heart apart
Because your love is bigger, than the hurt this world imparts
I can go on missing, and grieving for my son
But still feel your joy Lord, when each day has begun
Because I know the hope now, that you have left us with
And I can cling to it, when nothing else exists!

Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills -
   where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

Love, Diane