It's Going To Be Okay

Saturday, 16 Mar 2002

I love to write. I wish I could sit here and write all day long, but it doesn't work that way. It seems to all come pouring out at once, and then days and sometimes a week will pass before I find myself here again. We had our power shut off all day on Wednesday, some road work was being done I think, and that means no computer for the day. I missed it more than the lights or TV for sure. This is my connection with so many of you, and I love sending and receiving messages that share so many things, and especially encouragement. Many who have lost a loved one say that in time, others drift away and forget another's sorrow. In this modern day of e-mail, it can be different. To some, it may seem an impersonal way of keeping in touch, but in today's world, it sure beats never hearing from anyone at all. Sadly, snail mail for the most part may be a thing of the past, but with e-mail, some write who never would. Messages can be passed that might never be sent, and sentiments can be expressed almost instantly.

Because I write and share this journey with you, I have not been left alone in my grief as some have. I regularly hear from many of you and it helps. It helps to know that you have not forgotten. It helps to know that you may hug your kids tighter each night. It helps to know that you may be learning how to help another in their grief or whatever by what I have written.

This is not only my journey in grief, but also my journey with God. Can the two be separate? I don't think so. Not for me. I cannot successfully accomplish one without the other. The "race" I am running is run on the strength of God. On His promises and His hope. I don't even want to attempt it on my own. Sometimes I'm curious to talk with someone who has no faith in God, who does not think about their life in an eternal sense and would feel free to share their feelings about these things. I wonder how they cope? I'm just curious... Maybe because of what I feel on this journey. The excruciating pain that can appear simply because of a grilled cheese sandwich...I went to make a grilled cheese sandwich on Wednesday and as I walked into the kitchen to get started, I remembered that Phil always made me my grilled cheese sandwiches. Especially when I was busy, he would want to help and that was one of the ways he could. By preparing lunch. He did a good job too. But here I was, in the kitchen, attempting this simple act and I was overwhelmed with grief and missing. Where does someone take that pain if not to God? Where does one go to be rescued if not from the One who gives us hope for things unseen? It dumbfounds me. I guess I would like to get into a discussion with someone on this level, me with my experience of God through this, and theirs without. Not for a "conversion" conversation, but for an exploratory conversation.

It makes me think of a call I got the other night from my older brother. He rides his horse at a ranch just outside of Fresno, and someone on the ranch was looking distraught last time he was there. He asked what was up and found out that the owner of the ranch has a granddaughter who was just diagnosed with a very, very serious cancerous brain tumor. She was waiting to have surgery any day. And...she is 16 years old. If that doesn't hit home, I don't know what will. We talked about her situation and are praying for her and her family, but what disturbs me the most is that this family does not have a faith in God. How do you receive news like that and stay sane? What do you think about as you stand at your child's bedside, as they look to you for answers, for hope, for anything? ...I'll tell you what, Thursday morning as I was driving to work I THANKED GOD that I knew where Phil was, and that I would see him again, and I prayed to God to please not let this girl go home before she knew God. I pray for her healing, I pray for her family, but most of all, I pray she doesn't leave this earth without her final destination being heaven!! Eternity is a long, long, long, long time...

If I were to have a conversation with someone who doesn't believe in God and the resurrection of His Son, and I imagine in the future I will, and we were to discuss their need of God, or not, I guess I would like to ask them a question. If they don't feel they need God, do they think they could take one breath without His help? I saw Phil take his last breath. I saw his body as the empty shell that it was after his spirit had left it. And there is nothing on this earth that could have started that boy breathing again unless it was God's will for him to do so. Not that there are not machines that can help a body to breathe when needed, but that would have done no good in Phil's situation. It would not have sustained him. It was his time to go home. God breathed into him life, and when it was time, He took that breath away.

What do these parents tell their sweet 16 year old daughter when she needs something they can't offer her? As parents, we take care of our children's needs. We would do anything for them, but what happens when what we can do is out of our control? They never would have imagined that their lives would be turned upside down in one single day. None of us do. We usually expect these kinds of things to happen to other people. I believe Phil's chances of getting Leukemia were one in 440,000. He once said he would rather have won the lottery. But do you know that in our church alone, we have lost 4 children that I know of, starting with Phil? Sitting there in the church office working on the programs for yet another memorial service on Saturday, how could we not wonder who might be next? I think we were all praying to not have to do anymore of these programs for awhile...for a long while! It has touched everyone, and believe me, they do hold their children closer after the events of late. September 11th happened to our whole country and we all grieved together for those lost. These four children were a part of our church and as a church family we grieve deeply for one another. It is a community of people who have hope, who know the Father, who believe in the resurrection of His Son and where we will spend eternity, and still the pain is felt. We cannot escape that. We are not meant to. What we are meant to do is to draw closer to God, and let Him draw close to us through all of this. We have, and we will continue to do so and we will be there for anyone who is hurting and needs us. But we also know that these things happen to believers and non-believers alike.

Ecclesiastes 9:11
I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
   or the battle to the strong.
nor does food come to the wise
   or wealth to the brilliant
   or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.
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Did you notice that? Chapter 9, verse 11. It just caught my attention!!

We are not spared because we are God's children. We feel the same pain and suffer the same diseases. We still grieve and we still miss and we still want to stick around on this earth for as long as God will allow us to...although I question why at times...! :) The will to live is so strong though. I saw it in Phil. Even though he was sick for so very long, and even though it got to the point where he really couldn't get out of bed and didn't put his glasses on and had no desire for TV, video games or anything. He did have the desire to stay with those he loved. We don't want to say good-bye. It is the toughest thing to do. Trips are hard, when they are over and we have to say good-bye to those we have spent time with. Moving is hard when we have to say good-bye. And dying...that good-bye if we are given the chance to say it, is beyond hard. We cling to this life, and yet as a mother, I had to be willing to let go of my son. I had to be able to encourage him during his departure...I am still amazed even now when I think back on those final days at the grace of God, to be able to do that with Phil. To be able to tell him about heaven and all that was waiting for him, and sit by his bed holding his hand, reading to him about his "trip", while the room and our hearts were so filled with the peace of God. Such grace is given in moments like that.

Our Pastor was giving a sermon and was telling a story about cutting his head open and blood being all over and what did his mother say to him when she saw him? The same thing all mother's say, "It's going to be okay". That's what I had to do with Phil. What all mother's have to do, I had to assure him that it was going to be okay. He knew he was dying, he knew there was nothing I could do about it, but he trusted me as his mother to take care of him no matter what. I did, and he is home, and he IS okay... I can be assured of that.

If you've experienced something like this thinking it was without God, think again. Because God was there. He never left you or your loved ones. He cares for you and loves you even when you don't give Him an inch of space in your life. He is there, He has always been there and will always be there until....you take that last breath and face eternity with your decision. To have chosen God and His Son in this life, or not.

You're an adult, you have that free choice, but what happens if this 16 year old dies? She is probably old enough to make that choice and must, but has no guidance from her parents in that direction to help her. To reassure her. To hear "It's going to be okay" no matter what happens here on earth.

I know, I know, these are not fun questions and some of you may have stopped reading this a long time ago, but this is serious business here. These are the cold hard facts of life, and if we don't face them now, when will we?

My passion is not so much to see the sick healed, although those are our first prayers, but sometimes that is not to be. My passion is to help the sick know where they will be going if they are not healed, and to let those that have been left know the hope that is there for them.

I heard a sermon recently where it was said:

A man asked where God was when his son died of cancer?
The answer: The same place He was when His Son died.

We are all going to die, and 16 is way too young, but it happens. This service on Saturday that we are now preparing for is for another baby in our church. Time is short and time is precious, and it is not to be wasted. If we're not thinking about the serious questions now, then when?

I don't want any 16 year old to end up in Hell, and I don't want any parent to live in "hell" for the rest of their days on this earth because they have no hope after their child has gone home. I live with hope and even when grilled cheese sandwiches make my heart ache and cause the tears to fall, I know there is a bigger plan than what I can see and what I experience and someday I will live where no tears fall and where my family will be together again. That makes it all make sense, even when it doesn't, because I know that it makes sense to God, and I trust Him for all things. Thursday was the 4 month anniversary of Phil's going home. You would think it would be a hard day for me. I would think that. The days and weeks and months have been hard. But do you know what? It was a great day! It was the best day I have had since Phil died. My heart did not hurt all day long. I would look at the clock, 12:30, and I'm still feeling good. 2:30, and I'm still feeling good... Only once during the day did I start to feel sadness. It was when I started thinking about Phil's last birthday. I quickly prayed to God for help, and the sadness was gone. I was back to being happy. Thursday gave me a taste of future days to come. Of days when my joy will be completely restored, and my grieving will be finished. I will never be the same, but that is not a bad thing. Never to be the same could mean glorious things are ahead! I got a glimpse of that on Thursday!

2 Peter 3:3-4
First, I want to remind you that in the last days there will be scoffers who will laugh at the truth and do every evil thing they desire. This will be their argument: "Jesus promised to come back, did he? Then where is he? Why, as far back as anyone can remember, everything has remained exactly the same since the world was first created."

Verse 8-10
But you must not forget, dear friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent. But the day of the Lord will come as unexpectedly as a thief.
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Don't be caught unawares, when Jesus comes back. Be ready. Know Him, and let Him know you. Help your children to know Him, and His promises. I pray the day never comes when you will be faced with planning a memorial service for your child, but if it should ever come to that, I pray you will have been able to say to them before they left this earth, "It's going to be okay". If you can't do that, I pray you will find out how you can.

Romans 10:8-11
Salvation that comes from trusting Christ - which is the message we preach - is already within easy reach. In fact, the Scriptures say, "The message is close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart."

For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. As the Scriptures tell us, "Anyone who believes in him will not be disappointed."
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You may wonder why I do this. Why I write out all my emotions as I walk through this dark valley of grief. It's not because I love bearing my soul to you. That is a hard thing to do. Many of the things I share with you are personal. Yes, it is healing for me to get them out in the open, but it would feel safer for me to share them with Jim, or my close friends, rather than the "world". But I do it for mainly one reason, so that if you are ever faced with this difficult path, you will know the hope there is despite the pain. So that you will not fear. I never want anyone to have to experience this, whether it be a child, a spouse, a sibling, or whomever may be sick, without them knowing that they can be okay, and that you can be okay. Because God has provided the way for eternal life and His peace for all our days on this earth.

Romans 14:14-15
But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? and how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
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Maybe God also meant, how beautiful are the "fingers" of those who bring good news! :)

That is why I write and share my experiences. That is why I open my heart up to you, because I don't want any to live or to perish without hope.

Life is short, even if you are given 100 years, compared to eternity. Just think about it, and think about your children. They look up to you. They expect you to be there for them when they cut their head open and are needing stitches, or when they have just been diagnosed with Leukemia or a brain tumor and are needing surgery or chemotherapy. You are their role model. They need you. Your friends need you and your family needs you when these things happen. God is your provision, Christ is your redemption, and the Holy Spirit fills you with peace and strength.

I am here, I am writing, and I am willing to "talk". I'd love to hear from you!

Love, Diane (& Jim)