Can you Imagine?

Saturday, 06 Apr 2002

Have you ever imagined walking in my shoes? Taking yourself through the years of chemo with your child and then saying good-bye to them at the end. Have you? Do you know that you can't? Your imaginings fall short of the reality of it. We can't walk in another's shoes. We can't know what they are really feeling, or how difficult or even how wonderful things really are for them. Just as we can't imagine what heaven will really be like. We can read about it and dream about it and try to picture it, but that's as far as we can get with it. A thought process that falls short.

In 1 Corinthians 2:9 it says:

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared for those who love him."
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During my quiet time with God this morning, I read this verse and I realized that no matter how much Phil and I talked about what heaven would be like, we could not come close to imagining what it would really be like until he saw it for himself. Until we see it for ourselves.

I understood that better this morning when I thought about it in the context of others trying to understand what losing a child would feel like. If they allow their minds to even go there, it doesn't come close to what it's like. I know, because I have experienced both sides of that now. Just as Phil has experienced both sides of thinking about heaven and actually experiencing heaven.

There were times when Phil was ill that I would let my mind wander down that road and try to imagine what life would be like without him, how I would feel. It was devastation!! I would usually quickly retreat and start praying hard for his healing. The pain felt too great and the loss too large. And now, being on the other side of that fence and living with the loss, there was no comparison! The feelings of devastation that were imagined were minuscule compared to the feelings of loss and devastation when it becomes a reality. Before Phil died, I could come back out of that thinking, back to praying for healing and back to going wherever he was, go and sit beside him and know that it was only my imaginings. Now I can't. Now I have to feel that devastation, and the only escape I have out of it is to trust in the One who took him home. To know that he has not really died, but has gone onto a better place. A place I can't even imagine until I see it for myself, but I just have to believe that heaven is there, that he is there, and all that God has promised us is the Truth. I can do that. I am able to do that, because God makes me able.

Jimm (son) said the other day that he always wondered how he would be if Phil should really die from this disease. He didn't know, and as he says now, he couldn't know until that time came. For him, he says it is easier than he thought it would be. Why? He says because for 5½ years, he didn't know where Phil was going. Now that he has become a Christian, which was shortly before Phil died, he knows where Phil is. He knows that he will see him again, and he can rest in that.

1 Corinthians 2:10
 But we know these things because God has revealed them to us by his Spirit, and his Spirit searches out everything and shows us even God's deep secrets.
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Jimm knows now because he has not only experienced the death of his brother, but he has also  believed in God and the resurrection of Jesus Christ and God has revealed these things to him. He knows the Truth because he has God's Spirit living in him now. He took that step of faith.

1 Corinthians 2:11
No one can know what anyone else is really thinking except that person alone, and no one can know God's thoughts except God's own Spirit. And God has actually given us his Spirit so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us.
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I am glad that you can't really know this feeling of loss, because the reality of it is too great. I don't want you to have to feel it, and I don't really even want you to try and imagine what it might be like. I don't, because I have, and now I know, and I don't wish this upon anyone. I'd rather you stay where you are, deal with your own things, and leave this one for us to deal with in the way that God is teaching us to. There's no need to go there. I'm not saying don't pray for us, and don't encourage us. NO, NO, NO, that's not what I'm saying. We need your help and your encouragement and your prayers. That's God's love pouring through you into us. I just don't want you to do that by trying to imagine what it's like to walk in our shoes. You have your own things to deal with in this life. That's not necessary. But, there is a need to try to imagine heaven, or wherever you're headed, because that is something you should think about. God has prepared a place for those who love Him, and we should think about that place. I long for that place, where tears will be wiped away. I want to know Jesus, and I want Him to know me. When He comes back, and He's in the clouds, I don't know if we will have time, or if we will suddenly be taken up into the clouds with Him, but I think about running out of the house, into the front yard, looking up into the sky and being filled with joy and thankfulness at the sight of Him. I don't want to be cowering in the house with fear. I want it to be like my Best Friend has just arrived, and I can't wait to run out and greet Him and tell Him how glad I am that He has come, and to know each other so well that there is no question that where He goes, I will follow!

How do I do that? How do I get to know Him that well, be that assured of our meeting?

By spending time with Him and talking with Him, for sure, but I think mostly by listening to Him. Being silent, and trying to listen. By stopping the "doing", and just "being" with Him.

Ecclesiastes 5:1
As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut! Don't be a fool who doesn't realize that mindless offerings to God are evil.

Verse 3
Just as being too busy gives you nightmares, being a fool makes you a blabbermouth.
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Why do I usually come to God in prayer thinking I need to say something? Why do I spend most of the time I'm with Him talking instead of listening? I want to change that. I want to come to God and listen to what He has to say. I KNOW He's a whole lot smarter than I am!! I know He doesn't need to listen to me blabbering, but that I need to listen to His wisdom.

What if He doesn't say anything? Well, does it do any harm to just sit quietly, being attentive in case He does decide to say something? Wouldn't we do that with a friend? Isn't it just enjoyable being in their presence, just being together, even if there is no conversation? Do we always need to be talking?

God just wants a relationship with us. It is dawning on me that He really doesn't "need" all the things we are doing for Him here. I mean really, if we stopped all the "presses", would that stop God from getting done what needs to get done? I think not! I get so busy working so hard at all the things I think he expects out of me in a day, that I forget what He wants most is to know me, and for me to know Him, intimately. Wouldn't God be happier if I just sat with Him for an hour, getting to know each other, rather than some "mindless offering" that I consider good works? If I spend all my time doing good works, will I be able to run out into the front yard and welcome my Friend back, or will I be cowering in the house because I don't know Him that well and I'm afraid of what might happen?

"Oh No!! Jesus has come back and I'm not ready to meet Him!! Where can I hide?!!!!"

That's not what I want. I want to stand before God with Jesus there beside me. And when God questions me, I want Jesus to step right up and say "Father, Diane is a friend of mine. I know her well. I died for her and she accepted that. She will be with us for eternity."

And then God might say, well done my good and faithful servant. Enter in.

Not because I wrote a thousand e-mails, or worked as the receptionist at church two days a week or helped with the women's retreat or for anything else that I might have "done" while here, but because I spent time with my Friend and He knows me, and I know Him.

Working hard is not a bad thing. Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of things for us to do here for the Kingdom of God! I love writing e-mails and working for the Master, but He wants us to love Him first and foremost. If our child turns their back on us and won't have anything to do with us, wants no relationship with us and won't spend time in their day with us, but is mowing the lawn and washing the car and taking out the garbage without fail, how would we feel? Wouldn't we want them to sit down for a moment and spend some time with us? I think I would, as much as I would have loved it if the boys would have done all those chores without question. I know it would not have taken very long before I noticed that the chores were getting done, but the relationship was sour.

Zechariah 2:13
"Be silent before the Lord, all humanity, for he is springing into action from his holy dwelling."
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God springs into action. I notice that the more I am silent. As much as I would like to move right through this whole grief process in about 2.5 months, that is not to be. It is a process and it is controlled by God, as everything is. My job is to grow closer to Him, to know Him more and more, and the rest will happen in God's timing. There are days when the pain is removed from my heart and I feel light and easy and oh so good. There are days when I wake with a heavy heart and carry it through my day, only wanting to go to bed early that night because the weight of it has worn me down. I read in a book that one of Phil's friends gave me, that someday the memories that now seem to be anchors that drag me down, will be changed into treasures that I carry. I look forward to that day, but I am learning more each day that only in God's timing will those memories be transformed. Just as there are the days when I can stand at Phil's grave and not shed a tear, knowing he is not really there, there will be days when I stand at Phil's grave and sob uncontrollably. If I am right with my God and have built a good strong relationship with Him, then the rest is up to Him and I will wait for Him to spring into action. It is good to know that I am not even in control of my own emotions. God is. Just as He will remove the anger from my heart when something upsets me and I take the time to ask for His help, He will also be the one to take the grief from my heart. It is nothing I can do on my own. I have tried, and when I stop trying, God shows me how simple it can be by just loving Him and knowing Him.

I thank God for the good days and draw close to Him. I ask for help from God on the bad days, and draw close to him. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and it grows larger as the days go on. It is a light of Hope for the days here on this earth, and also a light of Hope of a place that I cannot even imagine. A place where Phil now lives and no longer needs to just imagine.

1 Corinthians 2:17
"Who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who can give him counsel?"
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Not me, that's for sure! I will simply sit at His feet or crawl into His lap and spend time listening to Him more and more. That's what brings me a joy and peace that is beyond words. Beyond any words that I might offer to Him. I want to be still, knowing He is God, and trust Him to heal my broken heart.

Love, Diane