In Remembrance...

03/04/2006

As I begin this message, I don't know if there will be any great lesson in it, or what God will even have me say about this day, but I can't help but share it with all of you. It seems as I finish up one message, my slate is empty, and I haven't a clue as to what the next week will hold, where it will take me or what could possibly happen that would be of interest to anyone. And yet, life continues on, God's goodness becomes visible in new and exciting ways, and I continue to write, week after week, month after month, turning into year after year.

Most times, I don't even know who is reading what I am writing. It surprised me last night, in talking with a friend at a party, that he was reading these messages...he casually mentioned he had recently been eating pizza and read the last one about "manna" (See "Every Word Of God") on his Palm Pilot. That was interesting...I guess my first thought was about how long these messages are and how small his screen is...I was grateful he would take the time to read them like that.

Others have answered back this week with:

"...thank you again for your writing ministry... it has spoken to my heart and has been a healing avenue in this past year of unspeakable grief..."

"...I needed this Diane."

"...I so agree, when I am thirsty the only way I can get filled is to go for a drink from his word..."

Or even a
"Happy Belated Birthday!"

Hearts, speaking to hearts, as all our lives continue to move forward. Through it all, I continue to write and continue to try and learn what God is teaching me as He takes me through each week, hoping that in sharing it with all of you it might speak to your heart in some helpful way about our Lord. This week was no exception, and once again, I could not have known what that experience would look like, but once again, I am not disappointed in our Lord's goodness or in the wondrous ways He works.

The week started out normal and ended on such a sweet note...literally. But let me take you back a few days so you can get the full picture of God at work in the heart of a mom who still needs Him desperately when the missing rises to the surface. Hopefully, in all of it, God will have some surprising lessons in it along the way...something more than I can even see at this moment...

The day was Thursday, and I had plans with my sister to have lunch together. She came by the office to pick me up, and off we went, happy as two sisters could be who have time to catch up a bit on our lives. We talked as fast as we could, covering everything we could think of before I had to get back to the office and finish up the afternoon of work. There is no way my sister and I can cover it all in an hour, but we give it a good try.

Our time together on Thursday was no exception, and my mind was swirling with all the topics we had covered as I reentered the office that day. I came up the stairs, opened the door, walked through, made the normal right turn into the office and came face to face with the unexpected...the shocking...the wordless moment of a sweet and tender memory that pierced my heart so deeply I wasn't even quite sure how I should, or would, react to it. What I saw was a piece of Phil, as our music minister stood before me wearing Phil's accordion. I think he wasn't expecting my return at that moment and he was trying it on for size, seeing if it would be appropriate for our Sunday service, for use in one of the songs they were going to do.

I knew the accordion was at the church, I knew it was in his office, I just didn't know that I would come face to face with it on this day, in quite this way, and how that would affect me...

After seeing it, I made my way to my desk, answering his questions as to whether I was all right. All I could say was:
"Yes, I'm fine."
"No really, I'm okay."
"It's okay..."

But it was not...I quickly became tearful...tears that turned into sobs as the missing rose to the surface with an intensity that was very unexpected. My day had gone from one of enjoyment to one of intense sorrow in a matter of minutes...it is a moment I will not soon forget.

How quickly our lives can change, how quickly a phone call can change the path we are on, and how much more so this impresses upon me the need of standing on the Solid Rock of our Savior each day. If we do not, what do we do with these times in our lives? Where do we turn for solace in our grief, in our pain, in our missing? Would these times simply destroy us if we had nowhere to turn for Hope in the face of something so upsetting?

Phil has been gone for over four years now. Just recently, I was thinking about how seldom I cry about him now as compared to days when I could barley go an hour or more without tears welling up and spilling over into my day. In days gone by, when those tears would come, I thought I might drown in them. The pain that filled my heart caused me to wonder if I would really be able to survive this life without him here. God and time have changed all that. Even on some emotional days, like the one I am writing about here, it is so very different. I don't wonder if I will survive without Phil, I know I will. Even when I talked to Jim later in the day and he asked me if I would be okay...I knew I would be. I have been through too many of these moments, and I have seen God too clearly through and in the aftermath of all of them to ever wonder if my Lord will see me through this time.

That's the healing that comes from a mighty God in the worst of times...that's what He has taught me as He walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death...I do not need to be afraid because He is close beside me. (Psalm 23 NLT) He has never left me. I'm not saying this journey hasn't hurt and that I didn't struggle along the way, all I know is that through it all, I'm still here. I know a joy in my heart that I could not have known in any other way. I know a peace that comes even when everything in the world seems so very wrong. I know that this world is only a place that we are passing through and that whatever happens, it is temporary. The only thing that is eternal is the love of God, His promises, and all that we have to look forward to when we give our hearts to God's Son, Jesus Christ.

Sometimes, the enemy will try to throw us off course. He will come at us in one way, then another, then another. Each time, our job is to keep our eyes on the Truth of our Lord, no matter what!! No matter what! The Holy Spirit is called the Spirit of Truth, and when we think about that, it should give us a sense of well-being. As the lies start to bombard us about where we find ourselves in this life, how tough everything is, how much it hurts, how unfair it is...we need to constantly go back to the Spirit of Truth that lives inside each of our hearts and cling to it. It is the solid ground we stand on. It is not shifting sand. It does not move when the waves break and the winds blow...it is always the same.

The Bible does not change just because man does. The Word of God has been translated into many languages, and yes there are those who will pull out what they like, discarding the rest, or misrepresenting certain parts to fit what they want, but that doesn't mean God's Word has changed one bit since it was first written. The reason we can cling to it is because each time we turn to what it says, it says the same thing, i.e., No matter what this life may hold, as long as we hold Jesus Christ close to our hearts, as long as we trust in all that He died to give us, we have a Hope that is everlasting.

Some may say it's a simple faith we Christians have...it is.
One God.
One Son.
One Holy Spirit.
One plan.
One way Home.

When the winds blow, when the heart breaks, we can call out to our God, believe in the gift of His Son, rely on the strength of the Holy Spirit, follow His plan and know our way Home. There's no need for confusion in the midst of a chaotic world, or in the middle of a crises. There's a Truth that we can cling to at all times!!

What happens when we cling to that Truth? It keeps us on a steady course, giving us a rock solid center that will not be shaken. In talking with a friend just this week, one who is going through tremendous change and difficulty right now, she talked about this very thing. How through it all, there is a strength within that is unshakable. That strength is the Spirit of our Lord, taking up residence inside a believer when we open ourselves up to His abiding presence. It enables us to take a step back and see what might be happening beyond what we can see.

On Thursday, I saw an accordion--one that once belonged to our child, one that held many precious memories-but what God was showing me was something very different. (Here comes the lesson He wants me to see...I can feel it...) He was showing me that it was time to move forward in this area, to bring it out into the light and let Him heal it.

Don't we all have things we've buried deep inside, not allowing God to heal them, as we should? This was an area that was easily avoidable. We could put the accordion in a closet, or hand it off to someone else and see if they could use it. Over the years I have tried not to look at it too long, or think about it too much, but God knew it needed to be dealt with if that tender place was ever to heal properly. It may seem like a small thing, but sometimes those little things can eat away at us, becoming a stumbling block along the way. I truly believe God wants His healing to be complete in our lives, if we will only allow Him that privilege. Unbeknownst to me, this was the week of the Accordion Healing Fest, and I was invited, like it or not!! 

I laugh, because I guess that best explains the shock I felt when I rounded the corner into our office and saw it. Everybody might just as well have jumped out from every hidden place and yelled "SURPRISE"! I probably had about the same look on my face! Of course, the emotions that immediately followed were a bit different, but you get the idea.

After spending some time in our music minister's office, I was able to return to work, if I didn't think too long about the accordion...and I sent a message to a new friend of mine about the meltdown I had just had. I knew she would understand since she is grieving the loss of her son also. I just needed to "talk" to a heart that would know...

I also began to realize that God was preparing me for Sunday, when the accordion would be played at church. In all His goodness and wisdom, God had allowed me these emotions on this day so that when Sunday came, I could enjoy the healing that was to come. Oh...how I did!

Which brings me to today, and how this story can end on such a sweet note. I arrived at church early this morning, ready to work at the information counter before and after the service. In doing so, I was able to see the TV screens in the lobby as the song that included Phil's accordion was played in the first service. There it was...it was okay...

Then I entered the second service, and it seemed so peaceful as I sat there and Pastor John finished up his series of "It's not about me..." Pretty appropriate! As the service came to an end, we celebrated communion together as the musicians took their place again to perform the last song of the day, "Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me." There on stage was a trio of musicians--a singer, a guitarist/singer and our music minister with Phil's accordion.

In remembrance, as we are called to do, we took the bread and the wine and gave thanks to our Lord, finishing the service while listening to the trio. It was easier than I expected it would be, and I was thankful to see what once belonged to Phil being used to worship God in this way. I watched as the billows went in and out, and I thought of Phil and how much he would like this, and my heart was full. I decided to stick around and enjoy it one more time in the third service and it was there that the peace and joy that transcends understanding came to me in full. This part of saying good-bye to Phil was to no longer be avoided, but faced fully, and enjoyed, and healed from. God knew it was time.

Isn't it the way of our Lord to have my brother call me on Friday, knowing nothing of what was going on, but simply calling to tell me that God had put me on his heart and he was to remind me of God's peace and joy. How can we ever say that God is not in the details of our lives, that He is not watching over us and in complete control even in our most difficult moments, when He will work through others like this to prepare our hearts for what is to come?

As we took communion today, in remembrance, I could not help but think back to Phil's memorial service and taking communion on that day...In fact, the worship team actually did the song today, "Open The Eyes Of My Heart," which we did during communion at Phil's service. God is amazing, and it always brings such great joy to remember the life of Jesus and all that He died to give us.
Without the life of Jesus, we would not see our loved ones in Heaven again one day.
Without Jesus' death, we would have no Solid Rock inside to steady us in the storms.
Without Jesus' resurrection, we would have no Spirit of Truth inside to cling to when the lies attempt to pull us under.

In God, there is no darkness at all...I believe He desires His light to fill us completely. There are things that can be too painful to face, and even if we can't face it all at once, there does come a day when it is time to bring it out into the light and dispel the mystery that is hidden there. To let God's love wash over it and allow us to face it head on. If we think we can avoid things by keeping them buried deep inside forever, we are sadly mistaken. One day, probably in a most unexpected way, they will have to be faced. They will have to be brought to the surface and dealt with, because if they are not, they will continue to fester inside and we will never be truly free to live our lives the way our Lord designed them to be lived.

Jesus said, "I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the darkness." (John 13:46 NLT) There are places in our hearts that we will keep closed up tight, not wanting to expose them because of the pain that might be found there. Jesus is light, He is healing, He wants to help bring us out of that darkness and live freely in Him. It's not always easy, it can be shocking, it can cause tears to fall, but when all is said and done, there will be peace and joy and a new ability to move into the days ahead with gratitude in our hearts for all He is able to do in our lives.

In remembrance...today was a day of remembering many things, of seeing some of those memories literally played out in front of us. Whenever we eat the bread and drink the wine in remembrance of God's Only Son, it's His Spirit of Truth inside that reminds us of the Hope that all believers have...a Hope that we will be reunited again in Heaven one day because that is what Jesus died to give us.
In that promise, there is a peace and joy that transcends understanding!
Because of that promise, we can let our guard down to the ways of God, trust Him with all things, and allow His healing balm of light to erase any darkness that lies within.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:7 NIV)

That peace is so very sweet,
Diane