Horse Sense

Wednesday, 06 Aug 2003

Three weeks ago the "race" began. I was called to work full-time, five days a week, for three weeks. To some, this is laughable--they have worked 20, 30, 40 or more years full-time. Three weeks was the amount of time they got off each year, if that.

Laughable--and so it began--what now seems tonight like a horse race.

There are many different kinds of horses in this world. There are race horses, work horses, show horses, put-out-to-pasture horses, breeding horses, horses meant for Polo, and so it goes. I won't even begin to have you think that I know much about horses, even though we have one in the field right next to where we have our RV parked. I see the young girl who owns it out riding it around the fenced field from time to time. That is about as far as that horse gets, and then it spends the rest of its time eating the grass in the field and wandering from one side of the field to the other. Pretty calm existence compared to some horses, I'm sure.

I like that idea, the pretty calm existence. I'm convinced tonight that I am not a work horse because the last three weeks have allowed me to experience the other world out there. The world of five-day work weeks, and short weekends. After just 1½ weeks on the job, I was sitting in the lunch room when one of my co-workers mentioned the dream she had had the night before. It was about work. I asked what was up with that? I mean, in just the short period of time that I was at work all day--I was thinking about work when I got home, trying to get to bed early for work the next day, and then dreaming about work as I slept. And!! I found out what those who work all week do on the weekends! They work all weekend trying to get done all the things that they couldn't do during the week because they were working!

This of course has led me to think deeply about this, because that is really what I do--or what I like to do. I like to view the world and then write about it. Experience the world and then write about it. Rest in the world, spending time with God as He teaches me about it, and then write about it.

I have come to the conclusion that just as there are many different types of horses, horses of a different color you might say, there are that many if not more different types of people. Some like to work, some gain energy and are enthusiastic about their work, and spend long hours at the office doing what seems to come naturally to them. Some hate their work and can't wait until the day is done, the week is finished, to get on with their real joy in life, whatever that may be. I, on the other hand, love my job and those I work with, but can't imagine doing this full-time for much longer than three weeks, and in the end,  I only worked two weeks full-time. My job ended earlier than expected because my new job-share partner began after just two weeks, and I was back to part-time once again. Thank you God! This old horse was thinking that pasture was looking pretty good!

The only problem was that at the end of those two weeks, the pasture was filled with other duties like the finishing touches of down-sizing our belongings, and moving our things out of the house and Chris and Holly's things in. (Talked about in "Those eyes" e-mail.) I fell into bed each night exhausted, until last night when I hardly waited until night to do so. I was in bed by 6:30, asleep, and had to drag myself back out of bed at 7 a.m. to go...back to work. Oh pasture....where art thou?

I am not a work horse, although I can pull my weight when needed. I am called by God to do other things, and He is teaching me that. He is showing me how some of His children are workers, and can withstand long and tedious hours of pouring out endless energy, and still come back for more. He is showing me that some will actually miss this lifestyle, and long for it, and how some when plunged into it, only have the energy of perhaps a race horse. Once around the track at full speed and then they need to rest. Is that me?

God is also teaching me other things through this experience of working full-time, and then especially with moving thrown in at the end for good measure. He is showing me that although my heart has healed a tremendous amount, way down deep inside there are still places that bleed very quickly. Still places that hurt when beat upon for too long, and that I am not, nor will I ever be, the same person I was before November 14, 2001 when Phil left this earth for heaven. Back then, I didn't know limits. I had endless energy and drive, and tears did not surface when I pushed myself way past the limit of what a day should hold. Now I know limits. I have new boundaries, and when I stay inside those boundaries, I am truly free to enjoy the life God has called me to.

It is interesting to measure against similar circumstances what a tremendous job of healing God has done in the last 20 months though. Last year when asked to fill in for a week, I only made it 4½ days, and felt a failure for not being able to make it that last afternoon. This year, I worked two weeks, helped to train a new employee and moved belongings and furniture in any spare minute there was in that third week. Wow! God has done a job on my heart, but I think what is best is to not beat it up too badly. I think what is best is to take what God has taught me and let my heart rest a lot, because way down deep inside there is still great pain. There is still great missing, and there are still those times when what I want more than anything on earth is simply to hug my son one more time. To tell him that I love him, and to tell him that my life will never be the same because he was part of it. Those are the parts that still bleed, and may always do so.

If God has not called me to be a work horse, I can live with that. I can live with whatever God has called me to be, whatever His will is for my life, and I choose to stay inside those boundaries. Inside those boundaries is where my freedom is found. It is not a prison with thick walls, but a place of peace and rest. It is the "pasture" that is most alluring to me now in my life. If God has called me to stand in a field and eat the grass that surrounds me within the fence of my life, then that is where I long to be. That is where I will rest, and that is where I will spend time with Him. By "standing there," I am free to enjoy the whole world because of God's close proximity to my heart. At this time in my life, that is fine. In the future, if God calls me to run a race, once around the track, and then take a week off and spend time with Him, that will be fine. And if in the future God calls me to five-days a week, plowing miles and miles of fields, I know that He will be with me and give me the strength to do just that.

No two of us where made with the same mold or for the same purpose. Although we may work side by side, we are called to do different jobs. No one can judge another, because of what we do or don't do with our time.

So we have stopped evaluating others by
what the world thinks about them. Once I
mistakenly thought of Christ that way, as
though he were merely a human being.
How differently I think about him now!
2 Corinthians 5:16
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the world think about Christ when He walked on this earth. A man without a "real job," although He was a carpenter for a time. A man who walked around with no real home, claiming to be the Son of God, and healing those He came in contact with. A man who frequently left the clamoring crowds, who so needed Him, as He headed for the hills for peace and a word with his Father. How would He be "judged" in today's fast-paced world? And yet, He knew what He was doing. He was fulfilling the Father's will for His life. The world may not have understood, but if He had changed what He was doing to please the world, would we have the salvation we have today? The forgiveness we've been given, and the peace that He left us with? Would God have formulated another plan because Jesus decided to bend to the whims of the world, and go with the flow?

What if we bend to the whims of the world because what we are doing is different than what our neighbor is doing--different than what our co-worker is doing, or what our spouse is doing? Will we miss the call of God on our lives then because it seems to the world that we are not being productive? Should the horse standing in a field day after day eating grass really be in training to become a race horse? Should a race horse stop running around the track and put on the harness of a plow horse? It seems clear that horses are made differently for the various jobs they are called to do, and yet we so often try to fit ourselves into the molds that were made for others. We start doing jobs that do not have our name on them and never will, no matter how hard we try to fit that mold.

When this recent job opportunity came up at our church, I could have moved from my two-day a week job to a full five days a week. I have job shared with another co-worker for the past two years and she was giving her notice. I had the option of going full-time, and so I prayed about it. What would God have me do with this job that I love two days a week right now? As I prayed and asked God, He very quietly said, "no." That was all. Just "no." I was not to go full-time, and the person He brought in to work the other three days of the week was called by Him to do so. She had prayed also. We both had our answer, and our job then was to be obedient.

What if I had resisted God's simple "no" and had taken the job simply for the money sake? I not only would have gotten myself into a place I shouldn't have been, but I would have kept my new co-worker out of a place God was calling her to! I don't personally think I can mess up God's plans for other people with my choices, but I do believe that I can mess up my own life with some of the choices I make and delay what God has waiting for me by not listening to Him.

It says in 2 Corinthians 5:17: "What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can relate to this because my life will never be the same again. I could have stayed in the same house, surrounded by the same belongings, and walked the same path outside my door each day for exercise, but I will never be the same again. A new life has begun, and although it seems at times I have died over and over for this new life to begin, perhaps that is what is called for to truly understand taking up our cross and following Jesus "home." Losing Phil has caused me pain that I never would have imagined, it has hurt beyond belief, but it has also given me a knew life in knowing Christ as never before.

Perhaps my heart will always bleed way down deep inside when life gets too busy. Perhaps this is the thorn in my flesh that will keep me always turning back to God and asking Him what I should do with this day? Where the boundaries are? Is that such a horrible thing? I think not! It is what can keep us truly focused on what is most important in this life.

For God can use sorrow in our lives to
help us turn away from sin and seek salvation.
We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But
sorrow without repentance is the kind that
results in death.
2 Corinthians 7:10
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By experiencing the sorrow and not repenting--not listening and obeying God---not allowing God to mold us, the sorrow can make us bitter and angry and can cause deep depression. That is a living death that we can walk around in each day of our lives. If we don't turn our whole lives over to God's will and rest in that, the sorrow will always be regretted because we will not see God's goodness shine through those very dark clouds.

If I take that sorrow and don't learn from it, it could be wasted. If I don't live my life for God, seeking His will each day, those places deep down inside of me that still bleed from the initial wound will rise to the surface more often than not, and it will be crippling. I will wonder why I am not able to function like the "rest of the world" and I will never understand that perhaps I am now a quarter horse, and not a stallion. That perhaps my life as a plow horse has come to an end, and I am called to life in a pasture where things remain calm and I can draw close to my Maker each day without the stress and confusion that the days of old held.

I personally like life in a "pasture." As I sat under a tree a few weeks ago, and did some writing sitting in a chaise lounge as a gentle breeze blew, I felt such a peace. It seemed that I was exactly where God wanted me at that moment. Maybe God has called me to slow down and to write about the world around me, for those that are called to run faster than I. Maybe He has called me to write, so others have something to read when it is their time for a vacation with Him. Maybe my heart will always bleed just a little, way down deep inside, so that I can express things out of that bleeding heart in a way that others might not be able to. Maybe that is why I "will never regret that kind of sorrow"  because it is exactly what God has called me to in this world, to complete the job that He has for me to do before I go home?

All I know now is that I was called to do a job for three weeks--a job that I love with people I love--and I found that it was not for me for very long. That God's quiet "no" was completely correct, and that by listening to His voice, I will not try to run a race that I was never called to start in the first place. Others were made for that race, and I was made for another.

Thank you God for the unique way you have made each and every one of us. Help us never to judge another for their pursuit in life, since we have no idea what you say to each one of us in those quiet moments with You. Help us to always follow wherever You are leading, even when the world seems to be calling us other places--and help us to know that whatever You call us to, it will be perfect for us. Help us to rest in You each day, and seek your guidance in all decisions, no matter how large or how small. You alone know what is best.

So our aim is to please him always,
whether we are here in this body or
away from this body.
2 Corinthians 5:9
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By pleasing you Lord, our greatest joy is found!

Living in His peace and joy,
Diane