The Heart

Wednesday, 20 Feb 2002

In my reading this morning I read:

Psalm 103:11

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him.

Can you imagine anything that high? Any love that large, that strong, that sure, that true? I try to. Sometimes I get a glimpse of what that means, and just a glimpse is awesome.

The heart that feels that love is a strange thing. At times it seems totally disconnected from the brain. In my mind, I know that Phil is gone, in my heart...it's a bit different. Maybe because if the heart were to absorb that reality too quickly, it would break beyond repair. I don't know. I'm just guessing. Maybe some people absorb such reality with their heart first, and their brain later. I only know what is for me. I sigh deeply, just writing this...as my heart slowly catches up with what I know in my mind. As my heart slowly absorbs how it has been broken.

Maybe having just gotten home from an "exercise" in healing, (stretching my new legs/life with my visit to Nashville) I am more aware of how broken I am. Maybe at home here, it is camouflaged by familiar surroundings that make life start to seem sort of normal. Being away, brought into full light the damage that has been done. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, just eye-opening. Being home again, I am facing a bit more reality as it's absorbed into my heart now. I have a better understanding of my brokenness and the need for time and patience with myself.

I can tell my mind certain things, but there is no way of telling that to my heart. It has to learn it on its own, it seems. And as it learns it, it slowly realizes it, absorbing all the pieces of missing into it more each day. With God's help, my heart is starting to open up to the harsh reality of Phil's absence here on earth, while still knowing that no matter how sad I am, I will be okay and it will get better. The reason I know it will get better is because of the love that I feel. The love that is as high as the heavens are above the earth, and because of my fear of God.

Yes, I fear God, but not in the way some may know fear, but I fear him as in realizing who He is, what He is capable of (all things), how He deserves to be worshipped by me and how I have learned to trust Him with not only my life, but the life of my son who has gone home. A fear that teaches me great love. Because of that, I can say to myself, "Okay, this is what it is. It will be this way tomorrow, and the day after and the day after." The more I rest in that thought, the more it moves from my mind into my heart, the more I can finally be at complete peace with it someday. That day is coming. I feel it. The day is coming when it won't hurt so bad. When my thoughts of Phil won't be of his final moments, of our good-bye, but of his days of living and enjoying his life here on this earth.

I had a time like that this morning. Thinking of him in his bed, watching his favorite morning shows, going to him and lying on his bed with him, kissing his cheek and seeing if he was needing anything. Days when he felt good, and we were together. Talking over what we would do for the day. Would we go to a movie, or get a sandwich and go down to main street and walk around? Whatever, but we would be together. His dog would come in and jump on the bed, growling and tugging at my pants leg, jealous of our close proximity and we would laugh at her and tease her just that much more. Hugging, and causing her to grow even more excited. We weren't thinking of what was to come, we were just enjoying what was. I need to remember those times together. It is hard though, when Phil's last moments are so vivid...and precious. But they are difficult. I have pictures from those last days, sitting beside Phil's bed reading the Bible to him, as he listened with his eyes shut. I've only looked at them once. They sit in my drawer here, maybe for a later time. Phil looks so peaceful in them, but so sick. It is not the Phil I want to remember. I want to remember the Phil in the pictures here on my desk, looking healthy and happy. I want to remember the Phil here in his baptism picture that hangs to the left of me. That's what I want my heart to absorb. A Phil that is not sick, and not suffering, but a Phil that is in God's arms now, fully healed and happy. My mind knows that...my heart is catching up. It feels good. I think it is time. Time to start saying thanks for the memories, I must be moving on. Never to forget, but to rest in the reality of it, fully accepting it and being fully at peace with it.

The trees have started to blossom, the weather is changing from cold and damp to warm and sunny. How my soul needs that. It has been a long winter it seems. One I will never forget, one of great pain, and one of great growth. As the blossoms appear and change the bare ugly trees into something of beauty, I feel my heart will do the same. It has been stripped bare these last few months, and it is ready to blossom. Ready to emerge again and live this new life that I never would have chosen, but the one that has been given to me by my God who loves me, and cares for me and has great plans for me. He has never left me. I have never felt him closer than I have these last few months. He has taught me that all I need do is call on Him, turn to Him, and He will always be there, without a doubt. In my darkest moments, He has been with me. I have been way low, and He has rescued me. I don't think for a moment that I am done yet, but I know that I am on my way. It feels good to know that in season and out of season, I can proclaim His love for me.

2 Timothy 4:1-2
In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction.

My great desire is to be an encourager. To help others to know how much God loves them and is willing to help them through any difficulty. It is something I have really learned through all of this. Not everyone learns it this way, and I don't know why I had to, but it is just the way it is. Maybe I have learned things that I could not have known without facing this trial.

I did not know if I would turn my back on God if He did take Phil home. I truly didn't. I didn't know if I would get angry at God, and turn and walk away. I said many e-mails ago I believe, that I was depending on God and if He was not who He said He was, if His promises were not true, I would be the first to tell you. Well, let me be one person to tell you, but probably no way near the first, that God is God. His promises are true, and He is my refuge. If I have been tested, so has He by me, and He has passed every test along the way.

Yes, the Bible says:

Luke 4:12
"Do not put the Lord your God to the test"

But! That is talking about Jesus throwing himself down from the highest point of the temple to see if God would rescue him.

I'm talking about going to Him in my times of greatest anguish and asking for His help, seeing if He was really there for me. Would He answer me in my distress?

The answer....an absolute YES! Not only that, He wants us to come to him with our troubles! He really does. There were times when I would feel like I was bothering God, once again coming to Him telling Him my woes, my heartache, my pain and then I remembered:

Psalm 51:17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

I didn't understand that last line until recently, and this is just my understanding of it, but to me it means that God will not tire of my coming to Him and asking Him for help. It is what He desires, because ultimately He is the only One who can help us.

Everyone has a place in their heart that can only be filled by God. A lot of people will spend their entire lives trying to fill it with other things and never realize this. I also have a place in my heart now that was left vacant when Phil went home. A place that only he filled, and that no one else on this planet can fill now. The only way it can close and heal is to fill it with God, because He fits in that spot perfectly too, to overflowing. Isn't that amazing?!! I let Him in there and He nurtures it and works on it and soothes it and stops the aching. It is the only thing that eases the pain. He fills it with His love, the only love that is as high as the heavens are above the earth.

The only perfect love.

That is how I know I will be okay. That is how I know healing is possible. Because He fits in that spot, that hole in my heart left by Phil's absence. I've tried it, and just like Cinderella's shoe from the ball, it's a perfect fit! Not only that, I know that He understands my needs perfectly. He comes when I call on Him, and repairs the damage that has been done. This world has so much hurt because it is a fallen world, but I never need fear what this world holds for me, what the future holds, because my fear of the Lord covers all that. When I start with Him, everything else falls into place.

Bare trees that once looked dead, now blossom. The seasons come and they go, all the plan of God. People live and they die, and those who are believers will be resurrected again when Christ returns to this earth at His second coming. We will be reunited with our loved ones when we believe in the One who will make it so. I don't want to miss it. I hope you don't want to either.

Matthew 3:12
"His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire."

We all want to be "wheat" when Jesus comes back!! :)

Love, Diane