Dear Phil,

Wednesday, 28 May 2003

We used to talk, how can you not be here?
I look at your picture, I know your face so well, how can you not be here?
We knew this day might come, you there in heaven, me here on earth, but how can it be?
Why does it seem so impossible at times, and yet so very real at others times?
Why do the questions go on and on without answers?
Why do things run through my head when I least expect them to, and then disappear when I am looking for them?
Why did God make this earth, place us all here, knowing the hardships we would face?
I know, I know, the choice was made there in the garden by Eve. But God knew...He knew Eve would make that choice even before she made it. Why else would He have provided the plan of Salvation? The plan of sending His only Son to this earth to save the lost? He knew we would be lost. He knew that even when we turned our back on Him, we would still need Him. He knew even if we never admit it, we still need Him.
He knew it all...He knows it all...and sometimes Phil, I am just left wondering.

As the song goes, "I am trading my sorrows for the joy of the Lord," but sometimes it sure is tough. Remember that song at your Baptism party? The reality of those words are so real now when I look at your picture and can't ever touch you again. When you live in a place that I can hardly imagine. When you feel so very good, and I am so happy you are there, and yet...and yet..I so wish you were still here with me. You were so young, you still had so many years ahead of you, you hadn't even graduated from High School yet.

My young and stupid way of thinking years back when I might have been about the age you were when I last saw you, haunts me at times. I used to hear of teens dying, or young adults leaving this earth and I thought it was such a waste. I wasn't thinking of the youth, I was thinking of the parents left behind. I was thinking about all those years that the parents poured into their children's lives and it was all for naught. It counted for nothing. They lost it all when they lost their children. How very untrue that is! How very wrong my thinking was. I was young and stupid, but it's good to know we can grow and learn all our days here on earth.

Now I know some things so much better, although learned in a very hard way. I know there is nothing wasted. Each day of your life was precious, each year counted for something, each experience together left a memory that will be carried a lifetime. No parent would ever forget their child, and no parent would ever give up a day, a month, or a year of the time they had with their child. You will always be held close to my heart and carried forever. To even think that they might, or that I might, think it would be better to have never had those years would be ludicrous. Wasted? Not at all. I would never want to live without them now. All those years of rearing and preparing you for an adulthood that would never be lived is still not wasted. It is what it is. It is without the future on earth it held, but it is not wasted. That future lives on in another place, forever and ever.

It is said that we are here to gain character. It is a training ground for all our days in eternity. Each good day, each bad day, all of it molds us and shapes us into the vision God has for us in eternity. The length of time we are here is decided by God. He knows the day of our birth and He knows the day of our death. If He knows that, then He must know what we need to learn while we are here. He must know how long that will take, and knowing that, surely we do not leave this earth ill-prepared for our place in eternity. If that takes 16 years for you Phil or 100 years for someone else, God must know.

I saw a Bob Hope special on the other day. He is 100 years old. Now this man has done so much good in this world it could not be contained in an hour long special, but he is still here. One-hundred years old? I wonder what part of his character is still being worked on? How much longer will it take? Is he on his way to heaven, or has he not made that decision for Christ yet? Is God giving Him every chance possible before he leaves this earth? Just crazy things I think about sometimes!

Phil, you were so young and yet so wise. So young and yet so patient. So young and yet so ready for the gates of heaven. You did not need 100 years to get it figured out and to have your character molded did you? Obviously not since you are no longer here. What does that say about me? I'm still here, without you...the molding is still going on, I can feel it.

Where you done those last days in your bed? Where you really ready to leave and just waiting for "the train" to come by and pick you up? I heard it said that a man who was suffering from cancer had experienced the love of God in ways he never would have imagined by his wife who was there by his side taking care of every need he had. He knew that the cancer was a blessing in his life because without it, he would have missed experiencing that unconditional love.

Is that what you felt Phil? Unconditional love? I know it's what you gave to me, even as a teenage boy towards his mother. What a gift! When I heard this story about this man and his wife, I tried my best to think of your view from your bed, in your room, while we tended to you. You were so silent, so still, and yet so aware. We read to you and wiped your sweat and changed your shirts and gave you sips of water and held your hand and looked in your eyes and sat with you in silence. We were there, requiring nothing of you but to love you as long as we were given the opportunity to do so. What did you feel? I know the Hospice nurse came the day before you died. She witnessed us giving you water and a pill and she quietly said, "There is such love in this room." I was surprised by her remark because it seemed we were only doing what any parent would do in our situation. Taking care of our child.

Did you feel that love Phil? Were you amazed by it? Did you see God in our actions, in our speech, in our eyes? I sure hope so! I sure hope that what you saw helped you leave this world already experiencing the love that was waiting for you beyond your room.

You said it seemed as if you weren't really there. I rubbed your arm to see how it felt to you. You said it felt "different." I didn't really know what that meant. It felt "different?" I didn't really know much at that time. I'm sure I was in a fog of protection that God had put me in. How else would I have lived through those days with any sanity?

But now, Phil, you are not here and I cannot talk with you and I cannot rub your arm, and you can't tell me anything. You are so far away from me it seems, and yet I know that if I were to die this very second, I would see you. Somehow that comforts me. Because of it, I don't fear death. It would be welcomed by me as much as life at this point. Life is good Phil. It is getting better. I still miss you so very much, but it does not hurt as it once did. I never imagined that to be possible, but it is. God does heal a broken heart. I hope you know that. I hope you know that I am fine because I know you were very worried about me.

Life is moving on Phil, and you are not part of it, it seems. That seems bad to say. You will always be a part of my life, a huge part, and a very important part, but you don't know what we are doing now and I can't share it with you. You live in a world I can't imagine, and we are living a life that is changing. God is leading us as He promised He would. I am writing that book I told you I might write some day. It is not published yet, but I believe it will be. Your story may be in magazines soon, and those who never knew you will know of you and how God worked in your life and continues to work in ours. I bet you never would have thought that was possible, huh?

You are so very special Phil and your life was so very special. You were not suffering from cancer because you had done something wrong. You had cancer because God intended to use it for His glory. Just like that verse in John about the boy being born blind. It had not happened because the boy had sinned or his parents had sinned. It happened so that "the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3)

God's work is being displayed, Phil. God is allowing me to use your story to share His story. I bet you know that in heaven. I bet you are seeing the rewards already for the life you lived and the story you left for me to tell to everyone. Thank you for sharing so much with me, for not holding it all back, for being as open and honest as you possibly could.

Phil, I'm not the same since you left. That's for sure, but it's not a bad thing. I'm a bit older, and a whole lot wiser with the wisdom that only God can give. You never wanted to grow old, but always remain a child at heart. Wow, how did you figure that out so early in your life? I'm just getting that now Phil. God says He will provide in our lives and that we should come to Him with a childlike faith. You already had that, and I'm just now learning it. To be a child of God really means just that. Trust in His provisions and rely on His wisdom. Ask Him all the question, let Him lead the way, and be filled with joy! Laugh a lot and make the world think you've gone a little mad if you must! When it makes no sense to the world, it makes perfect sense to God. He is teaching me that!

Thank you for all you taught me Phil. You were a wonderful son and I will always miss your sense of humor, your grilled-cheese sandwiches, and sharing all the things in life that you enjoyed and we enjoyed together. I think of you each time "your things" pass before my eyes, across my path, or through my heart. I carry you always, and am so grateful for the gift you are in my life.

Yes, God had a perfect plan for your life and somehow, you were the most blessed. You put in your sixteen years and headed on out of here. I'm so happy for you and so thankful that God has made provisions for a mother's broken heart. He is setting me free from grief, giving me a new life, and I will see you again one day soon. What more can I ask than that?

I'll still look at your picture
And hold you close in thought
I'll still see shorts and sandals
And remember when it was hot
Or even cold, you wore them
It mattered not to you
Shorts and sandals were the best
Or to be without any shoes
You loved to eat Chorizo
And lobster 'til it hurt
You loved the roller coasters
In any theme park on earth
Your dog was most important
When returning from a trip
Just get you home to Dackel
Before you threw a "fit"
Oh Phil, I miss your cowlick
That made your hair unique
And I miss the way you loved me
No matter who would see
I miss attending church with you
On every Wednesday night
And I miss the way you'd laugh with me
And how we'd never fight
I miss sharing life with you
In so very many ways
But I know now you are happy
And I'll see you again some day!

With a whole lot of love
from your Mom