What To Share

Sat, 05 Jan 2002

What to share? That is my question, I guess because I'm not really sure where I am at this point. The verse that speaks to me this week is:

Psalm 43:2b-3
Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me.

The "enemy" is really a battlefield in the mind, fought not with earthly weapons but spiritual ones. I have learned much of that during the past years, and the training has been good. As my time of grief goes from one week into the next, it is slowly evolving into different stages. With Phil, the stages were much more physical, his well-being, and how to handle the different conditions that arose. But now, with the physical aspects being removed and with time passing, the stages are emotional ones, working through the thoughts of the day, good and bad, sad and happy. Yes, working through even the good emotions because when I am sad, I understand why, but when I am happy, I wonder if it is okay to feel that way. When I am feeling bad, I understand why, but when I feel good, I wonder if I'm "allowed" to really. Has enough time passed for me to feel happy, to make plans, to move ahead, or am I leaving my son behind too quickly, maybe forgetting about him, maybe diminishing his importance in my life? Maybe it is societal pressure that keeps us mourning longer than is necessary, to show "respect" for the one who has passed...I don't know. And then there are those who might think one has grieved long enough, it's time to get "over it" and move on. But where is the book that says when to do what? Who makes the rules about grief and how could there possibly be any? With so many individual personalities, so many kinds of death and ages of death and circumstances surrounding each life, how could there possibly be one rule to cover them all?...Okay, you lost a child, so you are allowed to grieve heavily for 5 years. You over there, you lost your parent....that requires 2.5 years of mild grieving, and of course those that have lost a grandparent...they had lived a full life, and were ready to go so that only allows for 6 months of grieving followed by only good memories from that point on. What about pets? We grieve for pets, sometimes for years, we love them, we miss them, but does that allow for the same type of grieving as a person? These are just questions, with no answers, I believe. But I am looking for some and maybe I will find them as time goes on. Will the answers be just for me though, or will they help someone else find their way also? I hope so. Maybe if it helps one other person feel okay with how they are grieving, that will be enough.

On Sunday, I cried out to God. I told Him, and a few other people, that I was tired of feeling bad. I am not a person who normally feels miserable, unhappy and heavily burdened. I normally enjoy life a great deal, love to be with people and travel etc...but for 6½ weeks now, I've been feeling really bad God. How long will I need to feel this way because I've about had it! Okay, so where is all that patience I've been learning?.... I told God I understand that there is a period of mourning, but please, as soon as possible, could I be done with it? Yes, you can talk to God any way you want, and He understands. :) I really felt it was too soon to start feeling better, but I just didn't want it to be drawn out any longer than was necessary. Let's get this taken care of!....My sister says it is very like my personality!

As the week went on, I did feel better. Not such a heavy heart, just a few tears and not so tired. I started to look forward to things much more and there were even moments in the days when Phil was not on my mind....you may laugh, but he was with me almost every second of every day since he died because if I wasn't consciously thinking about him, I "felt" the thinking about him. Hard to describe, but it's just a knowing that all is not right with the world. It was my first thought in the morning and my last thought of the day. When I would awake, I was okay for a second or two, and then reality would set in very quickly. He is not here anymore.... I know, I know, I know, that he is fine, but that does not take away the fact that I miss him terribly. That I miss doing for him and caring for him and talking with him each day.

But maybe, just maybe, it is time to move on. Then again, maybe tomorrow I will be back to the starting point and have to begin again. I don't know. I've never been here before, but I do know that it has been a good week, and I worked two full busy days and didn't come home to cry, and when I got up this morning and missed Phil so, so much, I went directly to God and he filled that void in my soul. That's not to say there won't be days when I will again cry my eyes out and mourn my son, but it gives me hope that it will not last forever. That the periods in between the hard times will become longer and longer, until the day when I will remember Phil with a smile instead of a tear. This week could be the beginning of that.

Phil's illness was a long, hard road, for him and for us as a family. When he was diagnosed in May of 1996, our lives changed drastically, never to be the same again. I remember the German doctor sitting us down in his office that first night, while Phil was elsewhere in his hospital room along with a young, bald German boy fighting for his life. The doctor talked about our family and how we seemed to be a good strong family and "you will get through this". I remember naively thinking "Get through what?" I did not have a CLUE what he was talking about. It was better that way.

Maybe, as some have said, we started our grieving in 1996. Not because we thought Phil was going to die, because his chances for living were very high, but because we had to face the fact that his death was a possibility and we rode that roller coaster of emotions for so many years.As we wandered through this "wilderness" period in our lives, we began to learn our survival skills. We learned that we were not in control, but God was, and we learned that He was our only hope. We learned that His word is true, and that our peace is found with him. We learned that prayer is powerful and effective and that God's love flows through other people to surround us when we are in need. We learned to live one day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow because it did us no good.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We learned that God provides for all our needs and it is best to start the day with Him.

Psalm 5:3
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

We learned so much, I can't even begin to put it all on "paper" although you know I try because I'm long-winded!!  It was not easy but I'm beginning to see that all those years of Phil's life taught us how to deal with his death. While he lived, we learned, and now that he has died, we are using all of that to help us get through this time. I wrote in his Celebration of Life program:

    "...with Phil we shared the love of a very gentle spirit, of a loving spirit, of a spirit who was      born, I believe, to teach us all how to live. How to really live, with God in clear focus because the situation allowed for nothing less."

I didn't realize how true those words were, because they apply even more so after his death. We have been to the school of hard knocks, which will continue on through life with its various complications, but somewhere along the way, we acquired a degree in "survival through hard times", and we are putting it to good use. With that "degree", maybe our period of mourning deeply will not be as long. Only time will tell, but for now, I'm extremely grateful for a good week!

So, "why must I go about mourning...?" Because I miss Phil, yes, without a doubt.

Am I finished with that? No, probably not ever.

Will I start now to enjoy life again, even just 7 weeks after Phil's death? Yes, I believe I will.

    "Send forth your light and your truth, and let them guide me!"

I look forward to God guiding me right out of this darkness one day at a time, and I am so thankful for how far He has brought me already!

Are these answers for everyone? No, we all have our own path to follow.

Will I continue to share my path with you? If you want me to!

Have a good Sunday and ......GO RAIDERS!

Love, Diane