Spiderman

Monday, 06 May 2002

It's May..."Spiderman" has been released. I knew it was coming, we all knew it was coming if we like movies. Phil knew it was coming. He saw the posters, he saw the release date...he knew...and he knew there was a very strong possibility that he would not be here to see the movie. What a strange thought for a young boy who should have about 70 years ahead of him, to think he might not be here in 7 months. I sometimes wonder what was going through his mind, even though we were able to talk about so many things. I'm sure there were things he kept to himself. For privacy sake, and to save his mother the heartache and tears. I know I had thoughts that I did not share with him, for the very same reasons.

He had to know that if he was not here when "Spiderman" was released, that it would hurt those of us left behind. He also was disappointed to think that he would miss it. On his last birthday, a month before he died when he turned 16, he received a silky Spiderman shirt that he really liked. About a month before Phil died, I was also busy drawing him a pencil drawing of Spiderman swinging over some villain. We went together to pick out the frame for it. Not something that Phil normally enjoyed doing, picking out frames, but this was for a special picture that would hang in his room. It's in there now, on his wall. His shirt is hanging in his closet.

What's a mother to do with all of this? Cry, for sure, and pray for peace. I also avoid. I don't want to see the movie. I don't want to see the ads. I don't want to see the toys released, or the cereal, or the clothing. I don't want to. But I will. It will surround me. Everyone is talking about the movie, as is to be expected. I can't really avoid it, although I try. Jim saw the movie on Friday. The day they released it. I did not. I won't. I don't need the added heartache. It hurts enough already. I'd like to bury my head in the sand until it leaves the theaters, I can't. In fact, I may go to the show tomorrow and see another movie. For some reason I just feel like going. Maybe it's God urging me to take another step in healing. He is not asking me to go to see "Spiderman", but maybe He is asking me to face the pain at least halfway. God doesn't want me to avoid things because they hurt, I believe He wants me to work through them with His help. He doesn't call me to step into the middle of the fire, but perhaps He calls me to step up close and get used to the heat. Because, there will always be "heat". Always be memories that cause me pain, always be places that are difficult to go to, always be talk that I would rather avoid. These things could cause me to be a prisoner in my grief. Little by little, God will ask me to step close, breathe deep, trust Him to see me through all of it.

Phil collected those state quarters. He has a board in his room that he put them into. He enjoyed when each new one would come out, placing it proudly in his map of the U.S. The quarters still come out every so often, just as they did before he died. Now, I don't like that. I don't like that he won't be here to see his map completed. But he probably knew that also. I surely thought about it. Will he be here to complete this picture?... Now I just set the quarters on his dresser. I step close to the heat, but not right into it. I don't want to place them in his U.S. map. I don't want to... not yet. It hurts way too much. I have enough pain, why add to it? In time, and there will come a time, when I will. There will come a time for all things, but God is not in a hurry, and I don't want to be either. In time, with His help, I will work through all these things. The pain will lessen, and the memories will become more cherished... in time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-5
There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to rebuild
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
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I just got home from a women's retreat with my church. We went to the beautiful Hayes Mansion down in San Jose. Last year I gave a short testimony and talked about Phil. We had just gotten back from Hawaii with the boys. Phil spent the weekend with my parents. This year, it was so strange to be there and not have him to come home to, but you know what? I had a great time on this retreat! And I am so grateful for that! I don't take that for granted at all these days. There were many times over the weekend when I would stop in my thoughts and think, "I'm really having a good time".

I'd thank God.

It must be time for some of that, in God's timing, because I certainly don't have the ability to make that decision. It is a gift from Him, that comes unexpectedly. Like when I was out to lunch a couple of weeks ago with some friends. We laughed and joked and talked and suddenly I realized I was having FUN! Actual fun and with no pain in my heart. I didn't notice that the pasta I was eating was Phil's favorite, or that the street the restaurant was on was the one we had walked down together, or anything like that. I did spot a picnic table as I was parking my car that Phil and I had had lunch at not so long ago, but that thought came and went quickly. Was this any of my doing? No, it was all of God's healing. Little by little, I will laugh easily again. I will have stepped close to the "heat" and not gotten burned so badly so as to not want to return. I will find out that I can survive this pain, that God will remove this pain in His timing and I will live fully again... in time.

Do I want it now? YES! I want this pain to go away almost as much as I want Phil back. One of these I will eventually come close to, the other, I will have to wait until I leave this earth myself.

Our speaker this weekend was a wonderful women. She shared briefly about the loss of her son eight years ago. I later found out that Friday night was her son's birthday. We didn't know that as she stood and shared God's word with us. We didn't know the pain she felt in her heart or the memories that filled her thinking. All we knew was that she stood teaching us about God's grace that night. Do I draw inspiration from women like this? You bet I do! I believe part of our jobs here are to encourage each other in this world. In this life that can be so difficult. There was not one woman in that room who did not have something in her life that caused her pain of some sort. Whether it be her marriage, her children, her past or maybe what she thought her future held. And when our speaker can stand up there and share the word of God with confidence and talk about God's sustaining love after what she has gone through, she inspires us all!

By the way, I said just above that I want Phil back...this is not entirely true. Of course I do, but I don't. And I was happy to have a talk with our speaker one evening and she said to me that she would not want her son to have to come back into this world after experiencing heaven. I thanked her for sharing that with me because I told her that I agree with her. I wouldn't want Phil to have to leave heaven after being there, no matter what pain I feel with missing him.

This pain molds me and shapes me and refines me and most importantly, it draws me closer to God each day. I don't have the luxury of putting God on the back burner until I'm ready for Him. I'm ready for Him all the time, because without Him, life doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

As our speaker shared about her son, I knew many in the audience who also felt the same pain and were missing their children. Then the worship leader got up to lead us in more singing and she also shared of her loss of a five year old and a baby. It almost got to be a bit much...I know there were some women growing uncomfortable. They started thinking if this could happen to so many around me...what about me? That's a thought we don't like to think about because these things always happen to the "other guy". But you know what? They don't. And when it happens to you it causes you to have strange thoughts like when I was pumping gas into my car the other day watching all the other cars drive by. I thought, "none of you will be here in 100 years", unless you're probably two or less. How many people think thoughts like that as they fill their cars with gas? Yes, I admit it's strange but it's only because I see life from a different perspective now. We all think we're going to live forever because most of us don't even think about dying until we're faced with it. How sad is that? Sadder I think than mourning Phil. You know why? Because you miss out on really living. How's that? Because you focus on this world, and you stress about this world, and you miss the whole point of what you're even doing here. Of why God created you.

I used to think death-bed conversions were just no fair at all. They lived their whole lives and didn't have to obey God at all. They just confessed their sins, accepted Christ, and went right onto heaven, having done exactly what they wanted for their whole lives.

Now, I think just the opposite. I think about all that they missed by not knowing God their entire lives. Because true joy is found in knowing and following God alone, not in just living this life however we please. But that's a mystery that you only discover after you've taken that step of faith.

Will this tragedy of losing a child happen to you? Probably not, but something will happen to you, you are guaranteed of that.

John 16:33
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you WILL have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
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You will because everyone does of one kind or another. This is not said to depress you, but to encourage you because believers can take heart. Jesus has overcome the world. We have hope! With hope in eternity, this life with its fleeting problems diminish. They can't destroy us! The worst, death, has lost its sting! If God is for us, who can be against us?

You may think this is a strange thing to say, but do you know that it is a privilege for me to have had Phil, and to have had to say good-bye to Phil? Because I know in the future when my heart is healed, I will be able to help others who see no hope in their situations. He has left me with a passion to help others in similar situations. I hope to be able to encourage them and help them to see that Jesus heals the brokenhearted. I hope to be able to come along side them and share my pain and my joy, and hopefully they will see with God all things are possible. And by comforting them, I will also be comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.
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Yes, Phil changed my life for the better just by being here. Because of him, life makes more sense. His life has helped me focus my life on God. He has taught me how important it is to be here for others, to encourage them through any trial, and also to be able to patiently endure all this world can throw at us. This world is temporary, only the first step in our long walk through eternity. You will spend eternity somewhere, do you know that? Where will you be? Hell won't be the party you're looking for. The feasting will be done in heaven with the King! That's where I want to be!
In 100 years, that will have all been decided for us. Our choice will have been made and secured. Maybe even sooner if Jesus comes back for us!
In 100 years, we won't be here, that's guaranteed.
What else is guaranteed?

2 Corinthians 1:21-22
Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
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We don't know what tomorrow holds or what we will have to endure, but we can know where our hope lies and where we will spend eternity.
"Spiderman" won't matter in heaven, State quarters won't matter in heaven, and all these tears will be a thing of the past. That's hope I can and do hang on to!!

Thank you for letting me share my broken heart with you. It helps to release these emotions that need to be released and move on down the road just a bit more.

Love,
Diane