The New "Normal"

Saturday, 02 Mar 2002

This used to be a foreign feeling to me. This feeling of unease, something's not right, sadness, confusion, pain, and so on...it's hard to describe what I feel inside, but I know it's not what I used to feel. I used to feel good most of the time. Something has changed since Phil died, and even now, changes are taking place in me. I am adjusting to my new "normal", if you can call it that. Some say a death is like an amputation, as if you have lost an arm or something. It's not that you won't go on living your life, but you will have to adjust to using the other arm more. I guess it would be like losing one of your senses, and the other senses would pick up speed to accommodate the missing piece.

Living without Phil is so difficult. More difficult than I could ever have imagined. It's not that life is not good and it's not that we don't have happy times, and that I'm not enjoying the warm Spring weather, or the family I do have, or the friends that surround me, it's just that no matter what I am doing, I feel different. I am having to accept that, after these 15½ weeks of living without him. I am having to accept the fact that this is the way it is now. I'm coming around. I used to want to fight this feeling. I used to want my old feelings of contentment back, of not missing, when there was no heartache, and all seemed more right with the world. That cannot be right now, and may never be again, but I can adjust, and I am.

I am not a person who easily angers, and when I do get angry, it feels like a foreign object has entered my system. I want to rid myself of it as quickly as possible. This is sort of like the same thing, these feelings, and they started to frustrate me because as much as I wanted to rid myself of it, "it" wasn't going anywhere. In fact, "it" may be here to stay for the rest of my life. Learning to live without Phil will be a lifelong process that will get easier, but it will always be a part of my life.

In Habakkuk 3:17- 19 it says:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vine; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even though Phil's room is empty, and even though he will never ride his electric scooter again, and even though he will never sit at our dinner table again, and even though my arms will never hold him again on this earth, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation.

I know that is possible. I know because just 15½ weeks after Phil's death, I do rejoice in the Lord. I am joyful in the God of my salvation! But, I am also sad and my heart also hurts. What a strange combination... How do I explain this to someone who has never felt these conflicting emotions? If you want to simplify it, it's really just two very conflicting emotions. One of total devastation, the other of total peace, both inhabiting my body at the same time. No wonder I would want to rid myself of "it", to stop the inner conflict. "It" is like that amputation. It would be like having my arm cut off and my brain still thinking it was there, still feeling it, and wanting so badly to "grow" it back, but looking down and realizing that no matter what I felt, it was still gone, and I would have to learn to live without it from now on. What does one do with that except, accept it and go on. That is what God is teaching me. To be content in my new life without Phil. I haven't achieved it fully yet, but it is in the process of being refined in me.

Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13 while imprisoned in Rome:

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I sat on the couch last night talking with younger Jimm about these things, I shared with him how everything is good in life except that Phil is not here, and that makes me so sad. I am learning to live with that feeling of sadness and at the same time have a peace about it.

To know that Phil is happy and healthy and enjoying his heavenly days already gives me such happiness as his mom. I can be happy for him, and I am, but I also need to allow myself to feel sad in the missing of him, and expect nothing different. That is a normal process of grieving, and there is no rushing it.

Driving to work the other day, talking with God, I told him that if I have to feel this pain, then please help me go through it, and I know that He is.

I find it interesting as time goes on that some are starting to think that I am fine. Even though I am just talking about myself here, because I'm the one doing the writing, this probably includes all of my family who are grieving for Phil. Time has passed, and it starts to fade from the minds of those who don't live so closely with it. Time passes, and I smile and laugh, life goes on, and others think that all is well, the pain is diminishing and prayers are not so needed, when actually the opposite is true. Now that my heart is catching up with my head, the pain and missing are far greater than they even were in the beginning. At least in the beginning, I would have the first few seconds of the day to think life was "normal" before the realization sank in and I once again knew Phil was not here. Now when I wake up, I already know he's not here. It is a reality that never goes away. In the beginning the emotions would come in waves of reality hitting full force and then receding, now the reality has hit full force, stays throughout the day, and will knock me off my feet anytime of the day or night that I am not focused on the Peacemaker. Easier these days? Absolutely not! More resigned to this new "normal" now? Getting there.

Paul says in Philippians 4:10, before the verse I shared above:

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It reminds me of my situation. Many see me around, walking and talking and going to work, and shopping in the grocery store, thinking my life must be getting back to normal. Prayers might not be as needed these days. One thing to remember though, and I speak for mothers simply because I am one, the hurt is not gone. The pain is intense, and the missing is larger than life itself. There is no way that three weeks, three months or even three years after your child has gone home, that you are okay. It doesn't matter what it "looks" like, the wound is still open, it still bleeds, and it still needs attention. I told a friend of mine, when you see me smiling, please say a prayer and thank God for the strength He gives me. Ask Him to continue to hold me tight during this difficult time. That is the only thing that keeps me smiling.

Grief is hard work. In Colossians 1:29 it says:

I work very hard at this, as I depend on Christ's mighty power that works within me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paul was not talking about grief here, but when I read this line, it reminded me of grief work. Being a Christian does not make this easy, just easier because of Christ's power that's in me. It does not take the hurt and pain away. Jesus says we will have trouble:

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have trouble right now. Big trouble! I miss my son and I long to see him again. It makes it hard to live each day. That is why I don't even take a whole day at once, I just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other with God's help. He says "take heart", and I do! I take heart in the hope of salvation, in the hope of what is to come when I can't stand what is right now. Because how does anyone stand this missing without the realization that one day there will be a reunion?! I can't fathom it! My hope is in Christ, in His resurrection.

Philippians 3:13
I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the price for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stay focused, and with that, I can put one foot in front of the other, walking into my future without Phil, knowing that God has great things in store for my life, and that when I am finished, when God calls me home, all my tears will be wiped away. Living with that hope, I can rejoice in all things. I can have peace even though my heart is broken, because I know this is not all there is. I know this is an important part of the getting ready, but there are much better things to come that will last for an eternity!!

2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is why I don't even mind growing old anymore. Yes, outwardly, it ain't so pretty! HA But inwardly, God is renewing me every day. He is teaching me things that are precious in His sight, and though it feels uncomfortable as He stretches me and refines me, it is good. It is an exciting way to live life, not focused on the things of this world as before. Not holding tightly to what seems valuable here, but realizing how fleeting it all is. It makes it possible to enjoy where I am, and look forward to where I am going, without drowning in the pain that the evil one in this world would like to destroy me with. To learn to live without Phil is a day by day, step by step process of recovery and restoration. There will never be a day in my life that I won't think about him and long for him, and on my very worst days when I think I can stand it no more, I hold onto the thought that if Jesus comes back tonight, I have only one more day on earth to live without him. I can do that, at least that.

Colossians 3:1-2
Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sight on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe that is easier for me to do, because my son lives there. Heaven does fill my thoughts, it's not possible for me to think only about things down here now. I like that. That is one of the greatest gifts I've received since Phil has gone home. In some ways, it has made living here so much harder, because for a short time I am without him, but in some ways, it has made it so much easier. What do I care if someone cuts me off in traffic, or I get in a long line at the grocery store, or whatever may happen in my day that could frustrate me. If my thoughts are of a better place, this place and its problems don't hold the weight that they did before. It is freeing me from ordinary frustrations.

2 Corinthians 3:17
Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirt of the Lord is, he gives freedom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My emotional state is one of which the water level is right up to below my eyes. If I take my eyes off God and look at the things of this world in the same way I did before, the water level rises over my head and I drown. If that doesn't keep you focused on the things of God, I don't know what will. I don't have the luxury of letting the little things in life be a distraction. Emotionally, I'd be in over my head before I knew it. I'd be needing a large bottle of Whiskey on the nightstand and probably a few bottles of pills to go along with that... But with my focus on God, the only thing on my nightstand is the Bible on CD, inspirational books, my phone and a lamp. I sleep like a baby, even right through some horrendous windstorm we had the other night?? I missed it. My comforter is the Lord. He wraps His arms around me, and holds me tight, never letting me go.

I can live like this. I can live without Phil because I can rest in the Lord when I get tired. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other with His strength, with joy in my heart and a smile on my face, even while I am learning to live with this "amputation". I feel the "amputation", and I want to look down and see it still there, but "it" is not, Phil is not, and God will help me make this adjustment. Thank you God!!

Love, Diane