No Bags To Pack

Saturday, 16 Feb 2002

I helped him get ready, although there were no bags to pack. There were no tickets to buy. No arrangements to be made, those would come later. There was just the process of letting go, of saying good-bye, of waiting for the time of departure. We read the brochures (the Bible), we talked about the adventure to come, about the separation and the reunion we would experience. We held hands and gazed at one another, cherishing those final moments on the "platform", and then it was time for Phil's departure.

He is gone now, forever from this earth. It is a reality that sometimes is still hard to accept. The finality of it, I would like to fight against it, but I can't. If I do, it is only exhausting and upsetting. The acceptance of it is where I find my peace and rest. Although I don't want to accept it, I must. I want to change it somehow, I want things to be different, I want to bang my head against this huge brick wall and have it come tumbling down, finding Phil on the other side. I want, I want, I want...but I can't have.

It's thoughts like those that will drain me and upset me, and take me down into the pit. It's fighting against what is, what I can't have, that could destroy me. Jesus says come to Him, and He will give us rest. I do. I pray for help, and I find it. I focus on His plan for my life, for what Phil's life was all about, and I can see better. He knows all, I know so little. He sees all, I see such a small piece of the puzzle. I must become just like a child, just like Phil, and accept what is. What will always be.

Matthew 6:19-21
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

There your heart will be also... one of the greatest treasures in my life, lives in heaven now. There is a song that says, "my heart is already there".  It is not possible for me to view only this world anymore, to see things as I once did, to value things I once valued in the same way. My view is not limited to the 80 or so years I may have on this earth, but it goes way beyond that into eternity, into seeing Phil again. The things of this world, the temporary issues that so many choose to squabble over or be concerned about, or focus on, just don't hold my attention the way they used to. It is all so fleeting, and only what I can do for God, with God, and about God, is what interests me most now. God is in control, and as much as we would like to fight against that and think that we are the ones in control... we are not.

A story...Chris, our middle son, had his truck break down the other day, in another town, busted water pump or something. He was frustrated, as we all would be, but within a short period of time our neighbor and Jimm (our oldest son) drove to the truck, fixed the problem, brought the truck back and parked it in front of our house. (They are roadside diesel mechanics) Chris saw what he thought was a huge problem and very costly, be resolved quickly and as a gift, with a few favors owed and thank you's expressed. He saw God's hand upon this situation, and thanked Him for His help, realizing that God was in control and he was grateful for it. It was good to hear this, because his focus was right. I told him there is a song that says, "Some people drink the rain, and turn and thank the clouds". Everything that happens in this life has God's hand upon it. We should always thank Him in all circumstances.Yes, even when we must say good-bye to someone we love. When we realize that, we can stop fighting and start relaxing and truly enjoy our lives and all that God has planned for us. People die, and trucks break down, and gold medals are awarded wrongly perhaps, but that doesn't mean that God is not in control.

Matthew 6:24
"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

Verse 25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Phil couldn't. I can't now. I can't spend my time worrying and fretting and regretting, and also be all that God has called me to be in this life. The only way I can do that is to realize that God is in control, that He knows best even when I don't understand, and to stop banging my head against that brick wall wishing it wasn't so. That is not to say there are times when I don't do that, express that, but the bottom line is...even if God came to me today and said, "You may have Phil back. I will bring him back to live with you again if that is what you wish", I would say, "No thank you. Keep him with You." Phil's job on this earth is finished, he ran his race, he completed it well, he kept the faith, and he deserves to be "home". My race is not yet run, it may be short, it may be long, but for now it is not completed. As much as my heart aches, as much as I miss my son, I would never ever want him to have to leave his heavenly home to satisfy my desires. That would not be true love on my part. Phil lived with pain and suffering, with few complaints. I can do the same, with God's help. Somehow, that young boy got his focus right early in life, and never wavered from it. He set the example that I can follow. That I want to follow.

I don't want to drink the rain and turn and thank the clouds. I want to thank God. I want to know that the rain that falls is all part of God's plan, that He is in control of every single drop, and that the rainbow that appears afterwards is God's signature of better days to come. There will always be rain, and there will always be missing and there will always be broken hearts and times to say good-bye, but when this journey ends, the reunions will be glorious!!

Matthew 6:31-34
For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When God comes first, when Christ is the foundation of every day we live, we can start to live our lives the way they were intended to be lived. Full of joy and peace. Those are not just words that sound good, they can be a reality to all of us. It takes work on our part, sometimes a lot of it because for me right now my emotions are difficult. My heartache is great and I have healing to do, but I know that it will come in time. That God is strengthening me more and more each day to run this race.

When I was with Team-N-Training raising money for the Leukemia-Lymphoma society, I spent many hours a week riding my bike, building up to be able to ride 100 miles in one day. I didn't just hop on my bike and do it, I got in condition over many months and was ready when the day came. It took dedication and perseverance, but the results were well worth the effort.

Life is a race, and so many are not prepared and never do prepare for it. They just try to survive it each day and drop into bed at night unhappy and dissatisfied. That is not God's plan. That is not why He put us here. That is a waste of a precious gift that is given to us. So many of us get used to that feeling, to living like that, that we think it is normal. Almost everyone we know is doing it, so it must be right. Wrong! Don't get used to it, and don't settle for it! It's not the way you were called to live! God provides everything you are needing, in any circumstance, no matter how HARD it is! He will see you through! Don't bang your head against a brick wall, wishing it would fall down and reveal on the other side what you are wishing for. It may never happen and all you'll be left with is a big headache!! Seek God first, live for Him, and "all these things will be given to you as well". I won't be getting Phil back, not in this lifetime, but I will find joy and peace for the rest of my days on this earth, and be able to live with the greatest loss of my life in a victorious way. I can still rejoice, as God has called us to do!

Philippians 4:4-5
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.

Is it hard? Yes! Not in the doing, God carries me through that, it's in the asking, in the remembering to ask, in the wanting to ask. For some reason, we'd rather not, but we are the ones who lose out on all the blessings God has in store for us when we don't.

God is near, always. We're the ones who turn away, trying to do it on our own. Sometimes it takes the worst of circumstances, for me, the loss of Phil, to realize how very true that is.

I write my thoughts, what God puts on my heart, and what He is teaching me. I appreciate that you are willing to read it, and in so doing, you help me to heal. These are my struggles, and the lessons I am learning. It makes me smile to think that others might draw closer to God because of my journey. This thorn in my side will not be wasted if that is true. That is my prayer.

Thanks once again,

Diane