Prayer

02/15/2002

Unanswered prayer. Is there such a thing? I wonder. It seems so, but it may not be so.

God hears, God responds, maybe it's just our reaction to His response that leaves us questioning whether we've been heard or not.

The most powerful answer to prayer that I have experienced is asking God to take Phil home. Is there any more difficult prayer than that? Not in my lifetime, I'm sure. Phil asked me if it was okay to ask God for such a thing. He was tired, he was sick, he was wanting to be released from his years of suffering... he was ready. We prayed together, asking God to release him from this world. Had I known the finality of that request... I don't think I could have ever asked for it.

You may think it strange that I did not realize that finality, but I didn't. Not until now, and even now I have trouble absorbing that I will never see him again on this earth. At times it still does not seem real and then there are times when it does and I want to scream and cry and fight against it. There is no fighting against it though. It is. That is final. I will have to learn to live with it, like it or not.

Did God answer our prayer? Yes he did. Did I pray the wrong prayer? I wonder now. I wanted what was best for Phil. I wanted his suffering to end, but I didn't want this. I wanted to have Phil here with me, for as long as I lived. That is what we expect from our children. That they will leave this earth long after our departure. It is not always so. There is no right order to things, only God's order.

I prayed for Phil's healing too. I prayed for many years, more times than I could ever count. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Where was God then? Did He hear this mother's cries for help? I believe He did. He never left us. He continued to show us the way through. Was His answer, "No" on this one? Well, it was in a way, and it wasn't in a way.

Right before Phil died, he told me that God was healing him, that he felt better, that tomorrow he would feel good. Twenty minutes later he was gone... Healed, and taken home. Did I pray the wrong prayer all those years? I asked for healing, I got it... but I never prayed for healing and then a long life. I never prayed that... was that a mistake? Are there mistakes? Are our prayers that effective that they can actually change what may or may not happen. The Bible says they are.

Ezekial prayed for more time and was given 15 more years. If I had asked for healing and a long life, would Phil still be with us? I will only know the answer to the question when I see him again. And then, it really won't matter one bit.

Do I struggle with this? A bit recently. It's just part of the thought process that I go through these days. Thoughts can be a powerful thing, for the good, and for the bad. When I am tired, my thoughts go places that are very destructive.

Rest is very important. Not getting overly tired saves a lot of heartache for me. Keeping my boundaries in place helps me keep my sanity when I want to fight against what is. What's done is done now. There is no going back. No more lessons that I will be able to teach Phil. No more talks about life here and life in heaven with my son. No more doctor's appointments and blood transfusions and no more pain and sickness. No more trips to the movies or cheeseburgers before church. None of that.

I can't change a thing, except what will happen now. What I will do with what I've been given, and with what I've been taught. How will I use it? Will it be wasted, or will it be used? If I didn't realize the power of prayer to it's full extent while Phil was still with me, I realize it now.

Now, because in some ways it is all I have. That is not to disregard those that surround me with their love and support. That is not to disregard the beauty of this world, and the enjoyment of this world. I'm not disregarding anything that God has blessed me with, but without prayer, without being able to be in God's presence and absorb His love, the rest would not even exist.

In John it says, "We love, because He first loved us". When we realize the love of God, when we feel the depth of all that he offers us, and the faithfulness and gentleness of His Spirit, it brings everything else in our life into a clearer realization. It makes it possible to enjoy all that we have, even in the deepest grief. It makes it possible to see the hope in what seems like a hopeless situation. It lifts us out of the pit of desperation for what has been lost, and shows us all that we have gained.

God's love is the root of all that is good in this world. Without it, we would topple. Even those that don't know God's love, really do. They may not be aware of where it comes from, or want to admit that there is something there that they cannot understand, but it doesn't diminish the fact that it is there. That God's love flows through this world, unseen and yet very seen if we are looking for it.

I rest in that love. I let it surround me when the hole in my heart is so enormous nothing could ever fill it. I stop fighting what is, and relax in what will be because God is in control. He always has been, He always will be.

When our prayers seem unanswered, they are not. They are simply answered in a way that we cannot nor will we ever understand on this earth. Should I have prayed for a long life for Phil, not just his healing? Would that have changed a thing? I don't know, but it really doesn't matter. God knows best, and I trust him for that. He is all-knowing. He knows every hair on my head, and he knows what I am going to pray before I even pray it. He knows the answers before we even ask.

How can we understand that? We can't. We never will, but we can trust it. God is good, even when things are bad. God is sure and true and right, always. Nothing else on this earth, no one else on this earth can claim that. If we are holding onto anything else, it will eventually fail us. It can't help it. It is flawed because sin entered our lives and things have never been the same again. Answered prayer, or unanswered prayer. All the same. It is simply a conversation that we have with God about all the happenings in our life, as we would our very best friend. Trusting the outcome to the only One who has all the answers.

We can't beat ourselves up about any of it. We can only work to establish a relationship with our Creator, drawing close to Him as He draws close to us, and finding our peace and contentment there. It can always be found there. We just need to seek it.

I don't want to beat myself up because my prayers may have been off, or incorrect from my point of view. My point of view means little, only important to myself. God's point of view and His decisions are always correct. I can lean back into that thought and relax.