'tis The Season

Monday, 07 Oct 2002

Is it? The season that is...probably not for you. Not yet. There's many more shopping days left until Christmas. The season I speak of is my season. The season that starts when the leaves begin to change their colors. The season that starts when September slips into October. The season that is most difficult because Phil would be 17 this month, and then as October slips into November we will remember his going home and his first Thanksgiving in heaven. We will remember his service on December 1st and buying a Christmas tree shortly after that. We will remember doing practically all of our Christmas shopping in one day, in one store, and thinking that was just fine, because it just didn't seem to matter much.

We will remember. And we will pray. We will pray harder than we probably ever have, that this season will not take us back.

Galatians 4:8-9
Before you Gentiles knew God, you were slaves to so-called gods that do not even exist.
And now that you have found God (or should I say, now that God has found you),
why do you want to go back again and become slaves once more to the
weak and useless spiritual powers of this world?
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I don't. We don't. We have come so far, and we have learned so much and we have begun to heal, and yet, what we must face now can seem larger than life. Larger than death. Larger than God, if we let it.
Will we?
I pray we won't!

There seems to be an unwritten law in the world. One that says this season must take us down. It must seek to destroy us, and we must submit to it. I struggle with that because I know that God is greater than this unwritten law. Maybe I have gone too far. Maybe I am hoping for too much. I don't know. What I do know is that God is greater than any power the devil has and He can rescue us from anything. I guess the question is, will He?

It was the same with Phil and his leukemia. I know that God has the power to heal anyone from anything. We prayed for that for Phil. The question was, would He? I believe He did right before he died, but He still took Him home, and so to the world, the answer seems to have been "no".

Perhaps this season will be the same. Perhaps God will say "No, there are things that you will learn that are necessary for your future and it may hurt as I am refining you but there is good reason for it. This will be an extra tough "season" in your life".

Perhaps...but I can still pray. Just as I prayed for Phil's healing and trusted God even when He took him home, I can still pray that God will spare me from this hurting season.

I will trust God no matter what.

As September slipped into October the battle began to rage. It seemed the evil one stepped up with extra forces and arrows to sling into my heart, trying to reopen wounds that have recently just healed. Trying to force his way into areas that would take me back months and months if allowed to penetrate. Strangely, I think they should. And yet, I wonder. Is this the law of the world, and if I am no longer under that law, but under the law of God's love, do I have to comply?

I am a stubborn sort, I have told you that, and God knows that. Sometimes, I just don't want to go with the flow. Tell me I can't, I'll show you I can! If the devil tells me I must crash and burn during this "season", I'll show you where God says I don't have to!!

Galatians 1:4
He died for our sins, just as God our Father planned,
in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live.

Galatians 3:12
How different from this way of faith is the way of law, which says,
"If you wish to find life by obeying the law, you must obey all of its commands."
But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law.
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God doesn't want us to live under that old law anymore. He has set us free by sending His Son to die for us!

Galatians 5:1
So Christ has really set us free. Now make sure that you stay free,
and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law.
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"Make sure that you stay free"...easier said than done if we don't remember who fights these battles for us.

Galatians 5:17-18
The old sinful nature loves to do evil, which is just opposite from what the
Holy Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite from what
the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other,
and your choices are never free from this conflict. But when you are directed by
the Holy Spirit, you are no longer subject to the law.
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I am not subject even to the "law" of grief! I can be free from it if I will stay focused on the One who sets me free from it, but the "forces" are battling hard right now.

The devil wants to remind me that my son has died.

God wants to remind me that he lives for all eternity.

The devil wants to remind me how he suffered.

God wants to remind me that he suffers no more.

The devil wants to remind me that if I truly loved him, I should not smile and laugh and enjoy my life.

God reminds me that I will love him all my days and because Christ's Spirit is greater in me than the spirit who lives in the world (1 John 4:4), I can smile and laugh and enjoy my life because I will see Phil again.

The "forces", back and forth, forth and back, every day, every night, the battle rages and yet:

Galatians 6:9
So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up,
for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.
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A harvest of blessing awaits. That reminds me of Thanksgiving and it reminds me how thankful I am to God for all He has done. So many say, "Anything God. Anything but my child. Please don't take my child". Believe me, I was one of those. Aren't all parents? But God has taken my child home, and now I am on the other side of that experience, and because God is God and His promises are true, it is possible to go on. Sure, there was as time when I really didn't want to, and I have to tell you, I still don't mind the thought of death. I even dream about it! Let me tell you about a dream I had last week.

Jim and I were driving along the road in our RV, and we came around a corner and fell into a huge pot hole. HUGE! The whole rig was falling down, down, down into this pit. I remember the sides of the pit being green, and I remember putting my arms up into the air and saying "Here I come God!". I knew this was it. I was going to die and see God. And then, I hit the bottom. My back hit, and then my head and it went dark...and then I woke up in the hospital. Alive. Others had died in my dream, but not my friend who has also lost her son. I walked into her hospital room and we laughed together because we had wanted to die, but God had spared us. He had work for us to do.

Two strange things about this. One is, it was in color and two is, I actually hit bottom. My friend told me that people don't hit the bottom in their dreams! But I did! I think I was just a little too anxious to go "home"! But, I am a mother with a son who is waiting for me there!

So yes, I get tired sometimes and I get discouraged but God knows that. That's why He tells us not to give up because there is a harvest of blessings awaiting us. Those blessings happen every day, even in our grief.

Galatians 6:7
Don't be misled. Remember that you can't ignore God
and get away with it.
You will always reap what you sow!
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If I ignore God during this most difficult time, I will reap what I sow. I will end up fighting my own battles and I will be defeated. I will crash and burn into a pit of despair, and I will have only myself to blame. I will have chosen the darkness over the light, because I want to.
And, I may just want to.
The fleshly side of me may say, "I want to go there. I want to wallow in my misery during this season. I deserve it. I lost my son. I am miserable."
That's what I may do.

Or....

I will choose not to, and I will focus on the One who saves. This is not to say I won't shed tears and I won't feel pain and I won't miss my son with everything I have inside of me, but I won't stay there for the whole month of October, November, December, coming up for air in January wounded from the fight. I will feel the battle going on and I will call for help. I will be taken down with moments of great despair and missing, but I will call out "Medic!!" and God will come right over and bandage my wounds. I will hear the arrows whizzing past my head and I will put on all of God's armor for protection against them. (Eph. 6:11) And I will call for back-ups and reinforcements by asking all of you to pray for us. We are not in this alone.

Galatians 6:1-2
Dear brothers and sisters, if another Christian is overcome by some sin, you who are
godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be
careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other's troubles and
problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ.
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I think we have no idea what prayer does in this world. I think we have only been given small glimpses of the power it yields. I have a feeling when we get to heaven that we will see how much others have helped us along the way when they stopped to pray for our needs. I am still so much in the process of learning about prayer but one thing I don't want to have happen is to get to heaven and to see that if I had only mumbled a small prayer for someone else, I could have helped them so much, but I missed out on that opportunity because I neglected to do it.

We are all in a battle in this world. Sometimes it doesn't rage quite so much, but other times it does and we all need each other more than we could ever know.

Galatians 6:10
Whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone,
especially to our Christian brothers and sisters.
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Galatians 5:13
For you have been called to live in freedom - not freedom to satisfy your
sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love.
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So will you please pray for us during this intense season of battle? It is not something I have experienced before. I don't know how it will be. I only know that if it is anything like the calendar simply slipping over from September to October, it will be a rough road if I don't have my complete focus on God. I'm not sure why, I can't even explain it except to say that it's those "forces" that seek to destroy us.

"Oh, here's an opportunity boys! Let's get them!!"

But God is greater!

Galatians 6:17
From now on, don't let anyone trouble me with these things. For I
bear on my body the scars that show I belong to Jesus.
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I bear those scars on my heart. They are scars that will always be there but they are scars from battles that have already been fought and won. They are reminders of God's goodness and healing power in my life. They were not the first scars in my life, and they will not be the last, but I hope each and everyone of them brings me closer in my relationship with God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ.

Galatians 6:14 & 15b
Because of that cross, my interest in this world died long ago,
and the world's interest in me is also long dead. ---
What counts is whether we really have been changed into new and different
people.
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Jim and I are new and different people and that is good! We are happy to be where we are and happy to watch where God may be taking us. We will be driving up to Tahoe for a couple of days to spend what would have been Phil's 17th birthday among the beauty of the trees and the lake. I can smell it already! We don't want to sit home and think about it. We can think about it there and hopefully draw closer to God by enjoying the wonderful places He has created for us to go when our hearts have been broken.

We see God's hand upon our lives as He gently guides us into the future. Even when we are in a fog of despair, we hear Him calling us to follow Him out into the light. We see His perfect timing in all things and are comforted to know that we don't have to know all things because He does. We miss Phil every single day but every single day brings new hope and new ways of coping with not having him here with us. We hear of others who are suffering with leukemia and we pray for them and are reminded of all that Phil endured while he was here. He fought such a good fight and was so very patient through it all.

Psalm 147:10-11
The strength of a horse does not impress him;
how puny in his sight is the strength of a man.
Rather, the Lord's delight is in those who honor him,
those who put their hope in his unfailing love.
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Our hope is in His unfailing love, just as Phil's was.
What else can we hope for in this world?
What else is there that never fails us?
Nothing!
Our strength is pitiful compared to God's!

The arrows will fly, the battles will rage and the only one true "Medic" we have is God.

We will call on Him during this "season" of battle knowing that the victory has already been won.

Living in His peace,
Diane