The "Trip"

Tuesday, 29 Jan 2002

Have you ever helped someone prepare for a trip? Helped them shop for new clothes, pick up brochures and maps about the place they will be going to, looked to see what the weather will be like and figure out what should be packed? Maybe talked to others who had been there or were planning to go about what they might expect at their destination? All the normal things that people do when they are about ready for a new adventure.

Maybe I'm thinking about this because I will be going on a trip next week. I will be heading to Nashville with my best friend to celebrate my birthday in February. In fact, we will be at the Grand Ole Opry on the night of my birthday listening to some good ole country music. We have brochures, we have our plane tickets, we've rented a car, we have our hotel reservations made and we even have some friends who will be joining us there one day. Friends that we both knew when we lived in Germany. All kinds of fun things to look forward to! It will be a wonderful but emotional trip because the last time I was on an airplane, Phil and I flew back from Boston. That was September 9th, when the WTC buildings still stood tall in New York. When airport security didn't take as long to go through and tweezers were still allowed on airplanes...the good old days, some might say. Phil and I flew out of Logan airport having spent two fun weeks with my parents in their RV. We saw all the sights in Boston as well as Glouschestire, Cape Code and Martha's Vineyard. Phil was feeling well enough at that time to enjoy the food and the scenery as long as we took things slow and used available transportation to get around. He and I travelled well together, having made many trips just the two of us. With him not being in school, we were free to roam. I love those memories, and I love that we had the time to make them, but I don't love that I now have to face these "firsts" without him. It will be difficult, but it will be a step I have to take to get on with life. Adjusting to his absence. I've read that is one of the stages in grieving, the adjusting. I think it is one that will take some time because there are so many pieces that are broken right now, that have to be mended or put back into place. Pieces of the life that once were, but will never be again. The more I read about grief, and the longer I am in it, the more I realize that I am really going through all of this even though at times it still seems unreal. That's one of the stages of grief also. I'm also finding that it can't be hurried through or escaped. That the only way out IS through, as I have been told. I'd like to skirt around it, take a short-cut, or just avoid it totally but that is not the way it works. Each step needs to be adjusted to, each emotion needs to be faced, each fear needs to be prayed through, each "first" needs to be worked through, and there is no way around it. Straight through the center is the only way if I am to heal.

I planned this trip, not fully realizing how difficult it might be for me, having travelled so much in the past. I planned this trip, oblivious, but God is all knowing. He planned another trip for me this Saturday just for the day. A one day, down to San Diego and back, surrounded by good friends who will be with me through my "first" trip back to the airport. God sees all, knows all and is way ahead of whatever we might think is planned. He has a better plan!

Some of these same wonderful friends told me today that they see joy when they look at me. What a wonderful compliment when my heart feels so sad. How is it possible that they see joy in my face, when my heart is so broken? Well, one friend reminded me just how that can be so. Because joy has nothing to do with happiness, with the happenings around me, joy is a gift from God. It is present when we are filled with His love and when we trust Him no matter what we are going through. He has promised that.

1 Peter 1:8-9
Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Inexpressible is right...Do you know what the hardest question is for me to answer right now? A very simple one..."How are you doing?". What am I to say? How AM I doing? Even my neighbor was asked by a friend, "How is Diane doing?"...she didn't know what to say. There is no easy answer to that question because no matter what I say, it's not complete. It lacks. No words can possibly express all the different emotions that I go through in a day, in an hour. The thoughts that I deal with, good and bad, and the things I must face each and every day as I learn to adjust to this new life without Phil. It's way too much to give a simple answer to, even to a very simple question. Probably the most concise answer that has come to me, and this just came today, was "I'm grieving". That could mean everything from I hurt immeasurably right at this moment to I feel great!  It might mean that I want to be alone, or it might mean that I want to be with others laughing and joking. It might mean that I don't know if I can stand one more minute on this earth without Phil, or it might mean that it's going to be okay, life is moving along just fine right now. But no matter what I answer, it really doesn't hold any water because in the next moment, it could be totally different. A simple question...no easy answer. "I'm grieving" just covers it all I suspect.

Proverbs 14:13
Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief.

I've read the grieving literature. I've read books on loss. It describes me completely. It talks about all the symptoms that I have been having from a pain in the chest which is simply a heart that hurts. Not a heart attack, but a broken heart. It talks about deep sighing and loneliness and all the different stages that one goes through. Being a Christian doesn't mean that I won't go through those stages. I'm finding that out. They are all natural and to be expected. They will pass in time, they say 1-2 years for most. I'd like to fast forward to two years from now then, please God? Then again, not. Each day is a treasure even now. A time to be cherished and to learn and to grow.

The one stage I have found that I cannot relate to yet is anger. I keep waiting for it to rear its ugly head, but it hasn't. Not with Jim either. People asked if we were angry when Phil was sick? Not really. Maybe it will come, and if I am to feel it as I go through this, I pray that I will so it can be worked out also. My goal is complete healing, no matter what needs to be faced. But maybe, just maybe, we won't deal with anger. Maybe because we were able to help with Phil's "trip". Maybe because we were blessed with helping him "pack his things", "show him brochures", "talk about his destination", prepare him for heaven with God's word and all that that entailed. As I've said before, his final days were spent waiting...waiting for the train to come and get him. As younger Jimm called it, "the soul train". Phil was waiting for his "new adventure". The one that would take him "home". And we were given the privilege of helping him get ready. The privilege of being with him while he waited. Of sharing with him Who he would be seeing on the other side. That Jesus awaited his arrival. The privilege of standing there with him as he "boarded" the train and "wave" good-bye. Being able to say "I love you" one last time. I don't know why we were allowed to experience all that we did with Phil, but I do know that my heart has nothing but total gratitude to God in heaven for this gift. I don't know what to say to those whose experience is different, as everyone's will be, but I can only accept what we experienced with a grateful heart. So to feel angry just doesn't feel necessary. I can see times when it would be part of the grieving process, for sure, and only time will tell if it will be part of ours.

Time...some say it is all you need. I don't think so. God and Time is what I need. Time may dull the pain, but only God can heal the heart. The days and weeks go by, and time seems to do very little at this point. But God...He does so much each and every day. He is my refuge when I have no where else to run and hide. He is the One who comforts me when no one else can understand. He is the one who listens in the middle of the night when all the world is sleeping. He has the Words I'm needing at any moment of the day when no others words will do. He comforts me, He consoles me, He shows me better ways of looking at things, He lifts me up and carries me when I simply can't do it. This morning I spoke one of His promises to Him on my way to Bible Study. My heart was so heavy and I simply said "God, I'm heavily burdened, will you take it for me?".

(Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.")

And He did. Try it! That's all He asks!

Psalm 57:1b
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.

This feels like a disaster, although I usually think of disasters as something huge....then again. It's pretty huge. I need to be protected under God's wings for now. I need to wait this out until the disaster has passed. However long that might take. God invites us to take refuge in Him. I accept His offer. It's an offer I can't refuse because I've experienced all that it is, and it's warm and satisfying and gentle and caring and loving and just everything that this grieving mother is needing right now.

This "trip" is not an easy journey. It is not fun. There are some "brochures" that show the way, and others who have "been there" who can help, but for the most part it is uncharted territory. Each must travel it in their own time and in their own way. Some travel with God, some without.

If you are travelling without Him, you might want to rethink your travel plans!

Psalm 48:14
For this God is our God for ever and ever;
he will be our guide even to the end.

Lead the way and I'll follow!

Diane