The Lie

Friday, 19 Jul 2002

I felt like a failure, but I didn't know it. I just knew that something was very wrong. God gave me a clue early in the week that I laughed at. Later, I wasn't laughing... He knew what was in store, I didn't, but He would show me when it was over.

I write this on Friday night after working 4½ days this week at the church. My job-share partner at the receptionist's desk went on vacation and I was filling in for her for her three days, and then I was to do my normal Thursday/Friday duty. No problem I thought, I'm up for this. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good these days. I feel some healing beginning in my heart, so I thought, this should be fine. I had already planned on taking a full hour for lunch each day so that I could leave the church and go to a park. Be by myself, refill my tanks with some prayer time and come back ready to take on the afternoon. Monday was good. Tuesday I think was the day God gave me the clue, which I will tell you about later. Wednesday was getting a little bit more difficult but with only two more days to go, it seemed to be okay. Thursday, I was getting more depleted and by Friday morning, I told my boss that I wouldn't be able to stay for the whole day. It was a clear signal this morning with the deep breaths I was having to take, that I was trying to fill the emptiness inside. My heart was starting to hurt as in days passed, and I felt physically shaky this morning.

What was up with this? Didn't I have the perfect plan of long lunches with God to get me through this week? Hadn't I prayed and spent time with Him in the evening to refuel my spiritual tank? Why was I faltering towards the end of the five days?

I came home early this afternoon a bit confused and worn out. I felt that I could probably work on my computer though, since it would be quiet work, but that didn't even go well. I had to stop because my heart was hurting again. I got quiet for awhile, read my Bible, and then I watched a program I like. I was searching and seeking God because something seemed so amiss. I was disturbed inside and it seemed to be more than a regular tired. It felt so uncomfortable and I knew there was a missing piece to how I felt. I asked God to help me know what that was...I talked with Him and waited for an answer...

Maybe I needed to write, so I tried that. It felt like it was more work than normal, because normally work is not even a word I would use when I write. Pure pleasure is what I would call it. But I was searching and searching for that missing piece. As I was writing on my computer, it shut down. Turned completely off. You could say it was the heat today. I don't know how computers work really, but I think it was God putting a stop to my writing. It wasn't time yet. I didn't have the missing piece that was causing my unease.

I went out and had some dinner, watched a little baseball and then went for my walk. It was a beautiful evening, but I wasn't even able to do my usual pace. I was dragging. The music didn't even help me pick up my step. I sat on a bench and just listened to a song. I laughed when I got up to walk again because the song that started then said, "You know when I sit and when I rise". Always God's perfect timing. I think He has quite a sense of humor!!

When I was about ¾ of the way through my walk it finally came to me...I felt like a failure. I had failed to complete a full five days. I didn't make it, with all my planning and praying and determination, it still didn't sustain me. What a failure I was! What a wimp! Other people work five days a week. Even others who have lost loved ones are able to keep a full time job. I know many of them! But not me. I couldn't even get through one week...a failure. Weak. Just not all that I should be...! The tears sprang to the surface and I knew I had my "key". I knew why I felt such unease. I am a person who likes challenges and I looked upon this as a new challenge. I like to succeed. Don't we all?

Wow, that just reminded me of what I was reading this afternoon in the Psalms:

Psalm 90:17
And may the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful.
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I had underlined it and written next to it, "We all want to be successful".

I sat on another bench and thought about this feeling of failure that I had. I knew it was a lie from the evil one to take me down, to make me feel bad, but that didn't change the fact that I felt bad. I needed to examine this lie and see what the truth really was. What was God's view on this situation? Did He think I was a failure? I mean, it has been 8 months and 5 days since Phil went home. Does He think that I should have recovered enough to work a full week by now? Was I falling short somehow in not having the strength to do that? When I told Pastor Dave I was going home today, he commented about my progress. I had made it 4½ days, when in the past, two was beyond my limit...that was a good thought.

This verse came to me:

Philippians 4:13
For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.
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I continued to walk and kept repeating, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", and wondering what had happened. Then I knew...Christ had given me the strength to do exactly what He wanted me to do, and no more. By Friday around noon, most things that needed doing had been done, and I could leave without much fuss. He had given me the strength up to that point, and then it was time to go. My job at that point was to realize that, and leave. To go home and to find Him, and to search out what He wanted me to learn, and to write about it, because that is what I do.

So what do I do with the lies that go through my head that I am lesser because others can do what I cannot? Others can complete a full week of work, week after week, and I cannot.

How silly of me! I haven't had to work a full week, week after week since I was 20 years old. I have always been a stay-at-home mom and maybe that's exactly what God had called me to be those many years ago.

Having not worked outside the home while raising our boys, I was able to then be home with Phil through his long illness, not having gotten used to that second paycheck. Having not worked, I was there when Phil would call from school saying he was having a hard day, that he wasn't feeling well and could I come and get him. Only to hear him say to me, "Mom, I'm so glad you don't work. There are other kids in the office whose Mom's do work and they have to wait so long for them to come and get them." It made me so grateful that I could be there for him. Having not worked outside the home, when I took this job at the church a little over a year ago, the news of it received raised eyebrows from Phil as he exclaimed, "But you've always been my stay-at-home-mom!!" It made me wonder what in the world I was doing taking a job at that time, and only because I felt it was what God was asking me to do, did I do it. I know why now, although then I didn't. Now I know that my two days a week are part of my healing process.

A failure? I don't think so. I know not!

We are all called to do different things in this life and if we try to match up our abilities or callings with what others are doing, we will fail miserably. God has made each one of us unique and no matter what it looks like to those around us, if we are right with God, if our heart is where it should be, we are answering to the right Person!! Our Father in Heaven.

Sometimes when I read books or articles, I think, "I should write more like that" and then I remember, if I alter what I do to be like someone else, I am missing the calling of God on my life. I am not to be like another, but unique. Be it good or bad, if it is what He is asking of me, and I am obedient, He will be happy with me even if no one else is.

As far as working full-time, it is a temptation for me now because I do not have children at home to take care of anymore. It would make perfect sense for me to get a full-time job and bring in some extra money wouldn't it? Or would it? Would it if I was so exhausted I was not able to fulfill the real call on my life and what if that is to write about my experiences? It may seem a small thing, but maybe somewhere out there, there is someone who needs to read this. Maybe there is a hurting heart that is locked in those chains that the evil one would like to put us in to keep us down. Chains like the lie that we are a failure because we are not the same as others, not as good as others, not as productive as others.

Maybe this week was exactly what it was supposed to be and not a failure at all. I was starting to spread my wings, to feel some healing and some energy returning. What if I took those feelings and went the wrong direction and missed God's calling on my life because I started working on my own strength and not His? Maybe this week was to show me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and no more. Anymore than that, and it is just dead works anyway.

Those of you not familiar with the term "dead works", it is something that many people in churches end up doing because they have received their gift of salvation, freely, and then they proceed to try and earn it by doing work in and for the church. For some strange reason, we receive the free gift of eternal life, and then try to pay for it anyway. Working for the church/God is a wonderful thing to do but these "dead works" are not things that God is calling us to do.

I'm reading a book called "Listening Prayer" and it states it this way:

"We do not grasp the greatest, most concrete reality we have as those born of the Spirit - Christ in us. Our tendency it to remain in or come back under law and condemnation rather than to walk in the Spirit, listening to and obeying our Lord."

We try to work so hard at it, when it is not supposed to be by our strength at all, but Christ's in us! My sense of failure was no failure at all. I did was I was called to do, and when God was done with what He wanted, I was on my own. I could go on in my own strength, but it would have been dead works. I might as well go home!!

Don't get me wrong! I love the job I do at the church! I love everything about it! The people, the work, even the constant phone ringing! I think that is what confuses me so much! How can something I love so much, be so emotionally exhausting? By Wednesday, I came home and hung my body over the chair in the dining room and said to Jim, "I love my job!!", "I am so tired!!". We laughed! The more hours I put in, the more I loved it! The longer I worked with everyone there, the more I wanted to be with them! It was all good!! And the temptation to work their full time, if there was a position available, and I was accepted for it, would be very great!! But I truly believe that God let me know this week that it is not the time. If I am to fulfill His call on my life, I am to take life slowly right now. I am to spend as much time possible with Him and allow Him to heal my heart. He has a great future planned for me, if I wait on Him. He will renew my strength, when the time is right.

I love in that same book where it quotes Oswald Chambers. He says:

"The only way to keep true to God is by a steady persistent refusal to be interested in Christian work and to be interested alone in Jesus Christ."

It could be confusing, especially when what I want to do is full-time work at a church. It seems like God's work. It feels like God's work, but it is dead if He is not calling me to do it. It definitely needs to get done, but by those He chooses to do it.

Working full time by some in my situation is called for and needed and God provides the strength that is required in that situation. I truly believe that. Jim has always worked full time and although it has helped him to work from home a lot in this past year, he has had to continue to work through his grieving period. He chose many years ago to marry and have a family and to support that family to the best of his ability, and he continues to do so. I am so grateful for all he has done through the years to take care of the boys and me. He would tell you that there are times that it is difficult to get through the day when his heart is breaking, but God has given him the strength to do it. I, on the other hand, have led a different life at home with the boys, and for now God is keeping me home a bit longer. I will continue to listen for His leading and learn from Him by being quiet and prayerful. I know that if I did not, I would probably not write half as much as I do, if at all. I would be "too busy".

People ask me what I will do in Kansas City next week. Jim is travelling there on business. I am accompanying him there, for R&R. Those that know me best, know I do R&R quite well! :) I am not one to get lonely, although I love being with people. Being alone refreshes my soul. If I may quote one last time from the book on "Listening Prayer":

"We all need to begin the rigorous but sternly magnificent work of converting the "desert of loneliness" within into the spaciously beautiful "garden of solitude" where the true self comes forward and flourishes".

Being alone is where I find God most easily. And then I am able to feel His joy and peace in this busy and sometimes painful world we live in. Living for Him is what makes life most exciting. Writing for Him is what I love to do. It's what I feel called to do during this season in my life as well as working TWO DAYS A WEEK! :)

Would you like to know what the clue was that God gave me in the beginning of the week that He reminded me of on my walk tonight? I shared it with some at work, so they may have already guessed it. It was a license plate frame I saw that said:

"Life is too short to work full-time"

It made me laugh when I saw it, and by tonight, it made me remember what an awesome God we serve because He is so ahead of us and so completely involved in every aspect of our lives. The pieces are all there if we will just look for them and acknowledge that He is the one who puts all things in place. Nothing is an accident, nothing is a surprise to Him. I think He enjoys surprising us though and is happy when we realize who is the One watching over our every step. Though we may stumble, He will catch us when we fall.

Psalm 37:23-24
The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will not fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
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I felt like I was stumbling along tonight when I left for my walk, but I can tell you honestly, when God revealed what was keeping me bound, the lie that I was a failure, I was free once again! The evil one wants to keep us in the chains that should no longer hold us. If we take it to God and ask Him to help us, He WILL help us!

I could still be there in that lie, but I would not give up because I knew there was something wrong and I knew that God had the answer. He did, and I walked home lighter-than-air because the truth had set me free!

Psalm 91:2-3
This I declare of the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I am trusting him.
For he will rescue you from every trap and protect
you from the fatal plague.
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Good night!
Diane