A Small White Star

Wednesday, 23 Jan 2002

A small white star hung on our Christmas tree this year, given to us by a friend. On the star was the word "Hope". A simple message with huge proportions. Next to that star hung a clear, tear-drop ornament, also given to us by a friend. A large tear drop, representing our broken hearts. Side by side they hung, one representing our sadness, the other our joy.

All our Christmas things have been put away now, stored until next year. The star and the tear-drop were not put into the large boxes that hold all our ornaments. I put those two in the china cabinet, to keep them safe. Probably so that I can look at them from time to time. I told Jim as we were putting everything away that it seems Phil's death was all wrapped up in the Christmas season this year. He said it was.

We got our Christmas pictures back the other day. They included our family picture by the tree, that we take every year. The plan was to have a picture from each year, and after 25 years of Christmases, to gather all the pictures and put them into a frame. This was actually our 26th Christmas together. The pictures start with the two of us by our first tiny Christmas tree back in 1976, and there's a  progression of larger trees, the family growing, and then the family growing! :) Then there will be this Christmas, with the four of us, and a lighted candle, representing Phil. It's a good picture, I like it. But it is strange at the same time. Our first Christmas without Phil's presence. I got out the picture from last Christmas and do you know what I discovered? Phil was wearing the shirt....the green shirt with the word "Spirit" on it...the shirt he was buried in. I had no idea that he wore that in our last Christmas picture. I don't know what it means, but it just is, and to me, it's interesting and heart-breaking and wonderful all at the same time. It says "I like the Spirit in you" underneath the word "Spirit", in the style of a Sprite logo. Phil liked those kind of t-shirts. He wore them all the time. He had one that said, "If you're missing the King, you're not playing with a full-deck", and so on. His t-shirts, and his shorts, the way most people always saw him. The clothing that he was comfortable in.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm thinking about the word Hope, because of a song I heard this morning. They were singing, "Hope changes everything". I wonder when the people write these songs if they have any idea how they affect the people who listen to them? Songs inspire me, and encourage me, and make me cry, and make me remember good times and sad. I always have CD's going in my car, and in the morning, I keep it mellow and as the day goes on I switch to the faster tunes. I usually don't "wake up" until after noon! :) I wanted to come home today and write that verse on a piece of paper and stick it on my computer here. I probably still will. Because Hope does change everything. It takes the cold hard facts and it changes the way I look at it all and the outcome of it. I told a friend this morning that it is becoming very strange for me to say that "Phil died". Not because I'm uneasy with the reality of that, but because the reality of that is that he didn't die, his body did, but he "moved". He is not dead, he is living in heaven. How do I know that for sure? Because by faith I believe it to be true. If it were not true, then there is no hope and nothing changes. Everything is just as it appears. Phil is dead, I will never see him again, I will die, that will be the end, and so it goes. Can I really believe that at this point in my life? No way, no how. God has shown me over and over that He is here, now, in the past, and He will be with us in the future. He has made that very clear to me!!

When I go to my Bible, I usually expect a revelation from God. Also when I go to Him in prayer I'm expecting Him to teach me something new, something different, and most of the time, that is exactly what I come away with. Not only that, when I go with a thought in mind, I will find that very thought is usually what I end up reading. This may sound strange to you if you have never done it or if you are not a believer, but I am sharing what is true for me. Sometimes it just happens and sometimes I search for a key word. Like today, I had the word Hope on my mind and I remembered a verse talking about "without that Hope we are to be pitied above all men". I looked up the word "pitied" in the back of my Bible, and it took me right to that verse. Here it is:

1 Corinthians 15:19
If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.

I read what was before this verse and what came after it, and it talked about the resurrection of the dead, and how some say that there is no resurrection of the dead, and if that is true then not even Christ is raised. This would make our preaching useless and our faith futile. It would make us false witnesses about God, and that those who are dead would be lost.

There would be no hope, no reason to preach God's word, no changing anything! But Paul goes on to say, Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, and in Christ all will be made alive. He talks about what kind of body we will have. He says the splendor of the heavenly body is one kind and the splendor of the earthly body is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another. Now we have a natural body, when we are raised we will have a spiritual body.

Do you see why I have a hard time saying that Phil died? When I look at a picture of him now, and I look into his eyes, I see the Phil inside the Phil that I knew, that is who I look forward to seeing again someday. That is how I will know him, I believe. Because I know WHO he was, not just by what he looked like. I know his spirit. It's sort of like his personality, but different because it's more of a feel than a know. It's what I long for when I look at his picture. It's what I miss about him. When you think about someone you really love and long for them, that might be what you long for.

I say heaven is as much a part of my world now as this earth is. It's part of my everyday, because my son lives there. He moved to heaven on November 14, 2001. I'd like to visit him, but I can't. I'd like to check how the weather is there, but I guess I don't need to because I know it's perfect. I'd like to write to him, but the U.S. Postal service can only do so much! :)

I'd like to know what he does every day, but for now that is top secret. As Jim used to say when he had a security clearance, "I could tell you what I do, but then I'd have to kill you". Just a joke, just a joke!

"Hope changes everything", because I don't have to look at this as the world does. I can look at it as God does, and I can talk to God anytime, anywhere, and be close to Phil in that way. When I talk to God, I know that He can see Phil. That brings him close to me. Call me crazy, but sometimes I tell God to tell Phil things for me. It's one way I can "visit" him.

"Hope changes everything" because even though I am sad, I can have joy. My faith in that hope is what changes everything about this world. It turns it all inside out and makes sense of things that make no sense. It changes what I value, and how I spend my time. It changes my relationships and what I want to do with my future. It takes a broken heart and starts to mend it in a way that some may not believe is possible. It gives me the strength to go, when I'd rather not. It gives me a reason for living when this world seems futile. When nothing else means anything, this hope means everything to me. To live without this hope....well, I say that going through this grief is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, but what I am thinking now is that to live without hope would be the most difficult thing to do. With Christ and His eternal Hope, I can do all things. Today I went to our normal grocery store for the first time since Phil died. I have avoided it, gone to others, not shopped, you name it, but I had not returned to "the store" that Phil and I shopped in together. I went through that entire store today quoting "Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed,  for I am your God" (Isaiah 41:10) and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13) Sometimes it is the little things that I need help in, sometimes the huge eternal issues, but not only is Christ my hope, He is my strength through all things. I laugh, I smile, I cry and I miss, but I am moving forward through this grief with God's help, and I will come out on the other end of it better than when I went in because I have Hope.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope.

Thanks for "listening" once again!

Diane