Simply Amazing

Saturday, 16 Nov 2002

Hope will endure!

I don't understand it, I only know what is
I have no answers, with any of this

My heart overflows, with gratefulness
My mind's at peace, and in stubbornness
I say you can't have it, no not this day
My God's in control, that's all I have to say
He will make it all that it should be
You are the enemy, get away from me

There's no rule book, that I can find
That says just how, and just what kind
Of human emotions I should feel
No not today, but what is most real
Is my God who carries the weight of this
When life is hell, it can still be bliss

It's way beyond what I can comprehend
It goes way past the furthest end
Of anything I've ever done
And without God's one and only Son
I have no idea, where it would lead
Except to the pit where broken hearts bleed

But not today, no not with God
He is the truth, He is no fraud
He wants what's best, and nothing less
He wants our lives, so He can bless
Each day we live, in trials and strife
Each day we live, as we deal with life

He never leaves us, of that I'm sure
After all I've seen, I can concur
With every word the Good Book says
Jesus saves us from any mess
We aren't removed, that's not the plan
But by our side, He'll always stand

And we can rest in Him each day
I've lived, I've breathed and I've found the way
To live with what can hurt the most
And even still, of God I boast
In Him alone I rest assured
When day is done, Hope will endure

That's not how I planned this e-mail, not that I plan out any of them, but when I started to write what was way down deep in my heart, sometimes it seems to be best expressed with poetry. And so it flowed this morning. Probably because no simple sentence will do. Not when a heart is so full of gratitude, like mine is this morning.

How do I begin to tell you what Thursday held for me? The one-year anniversary of Phil's home going. I have to be honest with you, I really don't understand it. I can't comprehend how God can take something so tragic, so heart breaking, and then experience what He does with it. It seems to confuse every "human" emotion I have inside, and transpose it into something beyond my understanding to explain.

Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
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How can a mother go into her child's room, lay down on his bed, exactly one year from the night he left her, and find peace?
How can a mother look at his things, the pictures on the walls, the toys on the shelves, and find peace?
How can a mother open the last book he was reading to the page saved by a bookmark and know that those where some of the last words he read, and find peace?
How can she lie in the very spot her son was in when he breathed his last breath on this earth and feel no pain in her heart? To have it strangely missing, because she knows it well, that pain.
But tonight instead to feel only the softness of the bed underneath her, and to thank God for the comfort that He has brought to her.

I am that mother, and yet I have no explanation except for the verse above in Philippians. God knew we would not be able to understand such peace and yet He still gives it to us when we tell Him what we need, and thank Him for all He has done.

Oh, how I want you to get this, and yet I feel frustrated that I can't help you understand because I don't understand it myself. I pray that God will take these simple words and convey the feeling behind them for all of you!

One year has passed. I have lived without Phil for 367 days as of today. Each day has been an experience in itself. No day was lived lightly without thought. No day was spent ignoring God, because I don't have that "luxury" now. I can't put Him off until I have time, as I have done in previous years passed, because I NEED Him every day. My choice is to sink in a pit of despair, or rest in His hope. Which would you choose? It seems an easy answer for me. The pit of despair is horrendous, the hope is everything I will ever need, this day and for eternity.

A good friend asked me a question the other day. I can't remember the exact words she used, but it was something about being in those deepest, darkest moments of grieving, and what was found there. Did I even think it was possible to go on? I told her that no matter how bad it got, there was always hope. That never died, even though I myself wanted to die.

The pain is so excruciating, the thoughts are so unbearable, and the missing is so unbelievable, the human mind and body says, no way. It's only the Spirit of God that lives within that says hold onto the hope you have been given. This hope is only in our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His work on the cross. He is the One who came to conquer death. He even calls death His enemy.

Talking about Christ coming back:

1 Corinthians 15:24-26
After that the end will come, when he will turn the Kingdom over to God the Father, having put down all enemies of every kind. For Christ must reign until he humbles all his enemies beneath his feet. And the last enemy to be destroyed is death.
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Death is an enemy to be destroyed! I do 2nd and 3rd that!! I think of a young boy who is perhaps dying of cancer as I write this, if he has not already gone on "home". Do you think that pleases our God? Do you think Jesus doesn't weep over the heartache in that home?

Psalm 116:15
The Lord's loved ones are precious to him; it grieves him when they die.
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That may seem strange, because I think, why should it? The believers go on to be with Him, He is not missing them. But think about what is left behind? Think about the heartache that the Lord has to watch from heaven, and all those who will not call out to Him for help in their time of trouble. All those who will suffer alone, in silence, covering up their pain with the things of this world that will never heal their broken heart. I don't think it is the dying that grieves Him, as much as it is the living that are left. (Just my opinion)

As I sat at my desk on Thursday, yes I went to work, there was no one more amazed than I was to be there. I knew for Phil's birthday, it was time to get away and enjoy God's beautiful earth and retreat. On this first anniversary of his home going though, I felt God telling me to go to work. It made no sense to me. The enemy tried to tell me it was disrespectful. And there was no book that I could go to with "instructions" for this day. But as God has so clearly taught me, trust in Him, and He will make my paths straight before me. Even when I have no idea what is in store, just trust in Him.

On Tuesday at Bible study I learned something new. I learned that the Hebrew word for Work and Worship is the same word. I learned that God designed work in the Garden of Eden before the fall, not after. So when I thought of work on Thursday, I thought of it as a way to Worship God and all He has done for me.

Thursday was a great day! I was surrounded by so many wonderful people who gave me hugs and support. I received flowers from my parents, and telephone calls from friends. I was visited by people who came by to simply encourage me on a day that could be most difficult. I came home to cards and flowers that had been delivered to the house, and I knew that God was blessing me in more ways that I could even imagine on this day. He was not only with me, He sent a multitude of others to be with me or to pray from afar, and it was a good day.

At lunch, I left the office to go to the park and sit with Him for an hour. It was a beautiful day and I realized, I have no idea what the weather was like one year ago on this day. No idea. I could not say, Oh, this day is like that one, or how this day reminds me of Phil's last day. So this was a new day, unto itself. And it was beautiful. Short sleeves and sunshine. Fall colors and blue skies. Yes, mid-November in California! We've had some bad weather recently, but I was in Mexico! Not sorry to have missed it!!

When I arrived home from work, Jim was getting ready to leave for practice. He is playing at church this Sunday with the band, which he does every so often. He has been fighting a terrible cold that is going around so when I asked him about watching the video of Phil's Memorial Service, he declined. That was fine because I understood. He was already too tired. It is good to know where the boundaries are in grief, and allow them to be there. I told him I would go ahead and watch it while he was gone then, but as I went to get it, there next to it was the video of Phil's baptism and his hot air-balloon ride. For a minute I thought maybe I would watch those, and then I thought no. That was outside the boundaries for me on this day. Those would push me into a place I did not belong, if I was going to allow God to carry me. It was a choice that He would leave up to me, but the results would me mine, not His. I said no.

Watching Phil's service was such a blessing, and what I noticed most was that with all the songs that were sung, with all the words that I heard on that day one year ago, I was seeing the reality of that now. On that day a year ago, I hoped for what I had not yet seen. I hoped that God would "turn our mourning into dancing", I hoped that He would "lift my sorrows". I knew that was what He promised, but I had not experienced that yet. One year later, I see His faithfulness. I see that when He says to stay focused on Him, we can "walk on water" like Peter did. Not literally perhaps for us, but emotionally. If you don't think that being able to work joyfully on the first anniversary of your son's death is "walking on water", then I need to get together with you for lunch and talk!! It's a miracle!!

I took my shell to work. The one I talked about in my last e-mail. My gift from God. I thought, if I start to waver, if my mind wants to "go there", I will look at that shell and remember how very good God is to us. It also gave me the joy of sharing it with others at work, which was fun!!

Thursday evening, after eating my bowl of popcorn and watching Phil's service video, it was then that I went into his room for a bit. I stayed there for about ½ hour, then I was tired, and I thought about going to bed. But, it felt sort of wrong. To go to sleep before the "appointed hour"...where was that book with the instructions I needed?! I laughed a bit to myself because Phil would understand. He knew I didn't stay up late. He did, like his dad, he was an early riser and a late night person. I need my 8-10 hours a night, they don't.

I crawled into bed and read for a bit and then decided to go to sleep. I drifted in and out, hearing Jim come in from practice some time during that. And then, at one point, I wondered what time it was so I lifted my head to look...it was 10:19 P.M. Of course it was. God would not want me to miss the moment. It needed to be recognized. I needed not to miss it. And then, my head hit the pillow and I was gone. Sound asleep. Jim said he coughed a lot during the night and was worried he was disturbing me. I never heard a thing. I slept through without interruption. How is that possible? Peace from God alone. The day was done, I had been obedient to what He had asked me to do when it made no sense, and He had blessed me the entire day. He had taken care of every thing that needed doing. I simply had to show up and "worship" Him as He asked of me.

Now the devil had lost that round, so on Friday he started in with how I was in denial about everything. That was the only way I could feel as I do, could work as I had...and so it goes. He lies, and I pray for God's protection against his attacks. He is only out to destroy any good there could ever be. And there can be good, out of the rubble of destruction that lies in his wake. The good is God. Always! With Him we are victorious.

In Phil's video, the song was sung, "God is good, all the time". We sang those words with broken hearts one year ago. I heard them now knowing all the more how very true they are. If we will only walk in His ways and let Him lead us out of the rubble.

Last night we were watching the movie "Singing in the Rain". There is a scene which I'm sure most of you are familiar with who have seen this movie where Gene Kelly is dancing down the street in the rain with his umbrella. A man in love, and not caring one iota about the pouring rain, in fact he stomps and splashes in the gutters as a small child would without a care in the world. Along comes "Mr. Policeman". He never says a word, standing there in his black hat and coat, but just the look on his face says, "Move on. You're having way too much fun here. This is not the way it's supposed to be. It's raining!" Gene Kelly slowly sings and smiles as he dances away, "I'm dancing and singing in the rain..."

I love that!! It's raining, it's pouring, I'm soaking wet and I don't care!! Grief cannot consume me any longer because God has put His joy in my heart!  And I don't care if the enemy in black says it's disrespectful to work on this day, or if the enemy in black says I'm in denial because I'm way too joyful for the "rain that is pouring down". I don't care if he says "move along, you're having way too much fun here. It's not the way it's supposed to be." It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what God says and God says:

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
Romans 8:37

Their life will be like a watered garden, and all their sorrows will be gone. The young women will dance for joy, and the men - old and young - will join in the celebration. I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing.
Jeremiah 31:12b-13
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It's time to dance, even in the rain! It's time to sing praises to God for all that He has done! The man in black has no control over this situation. He can't tell me to move on. He can't spoil this!  He can't steal my joy! God is in control of that! And when the rains come in the future, I will continue to stand firm in them, to splash in them, knowing the Sun always shines behind the darkest clouds!

One year, 367 days now...hard to believe. The whole thing is hard to believe. It is a long journey with no way around it. Straight through is the only way. Some never come out on the other side. Some stay in the dark, in the rain, and it grieves Him, I believe. I won't be one of those! I won't! No one has ever loved their child more than I love Phil at this very moment. My love for him still grows as he lives on in my heart. I was asked if I would visit his grave on Thursday. I said no. Phil lives in my heart, not in the ground. That is my way. Your way may be different. God has called us all to walk different paths, but as long as we are following Him, we will never be led astray. Some grieve deeply much longer, some less, some cry lots, some cry little, some talk, some stay silent, some are busy, some are still...there is no book to tell us how to do it. There is only The Book, the Bible, that shows us the way THROUGH to victory.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus -
Romans 8:1a
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Let no one tell you how things should be. Let them be what God designs them to be. Don't let the world tell you what to do on any day, don't even let me tell you. It's between you and God. Listen to Him and Him alone.

He showed me this verse for last Thursday:

Hebrews 3:7b
"Today you must listen to his voice." (New Living Translation)
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That is what I clung to all day long. Whenever the enemy moved in, I ignored him and I only listened to God's voice, over and over again.

Let God be your teacher, and He will show you things you can't possibly imagine. I could not imagine this one year ago, but now I have lived it. God is bigger than anything, and all things are possible when He is the One in control.

Have a great weekend!
God is good, all the time!!

Living in His peace,
Diane

Added note: In my last e-mail I said the time of Phil's death was 10:18 P.M. As I wrote that, I asked Jim in the other room if that was correct and both of us thought it was. As I watched the video of Phil's service, Pastor Dave talked about it being 10:19 P.M. which was the correct time. I was mistaken. God knew just when to lift my head off the pillow to glance at the clock, even if we had forgotten! God is always faithful.