The Healing Continues

09/23/2003

It's been two weeks and a day since I rode my motorcycle into a ditch. My banged up knee turned into a little more than I expected, and I am still not completely healed from it. Just today I told Jim that I think it is finally getting better. I am encouraged by that, especially since I was not very "kind" to it since it happened. Thinking it was nothing more than a bump, I proceeded to try and wash our RV, our truck and the car with Jim three days after the fall. The twisting and turning of scrubbing our vehicles finally sent me into our RV to sit and rest while Jim finished the job. What might have started as a simple bump on the knee had escalated into a pretty painful thing.

But, there is no rest for the weary and so I hobbled around, went to work all week, walked up and down stairs, carried things I shouldn't and continued to abuse what was already hurting. By Friday (9 days later), I had just about had it. The knee was not in great shape, and I was glad to be getting off work early for the Raider game that evening, where I could sit and rest it a bit. We met with my sister and her husband to travel to the game together and I was strangely comforted that my brother-in-law hobbled with me, having injured his calf playing tennis that day. Was God showing me that I wasn't insane, that I could have gotten hurt playing tennis too?

On Saturday we left for ten days of R & R down in Southern California. I had bought a knee brace at the sports store and was babying the knee more than ever by now. I was determined that I would not re-injure it again, and that it was time for the healing to begin. This "abuse" had gone on long enough! It felt so good to relax, to give it some time, to see if that would take care of it or if I would be needing a doctor after all.

And that brings us to today, 15 days later. The knee has started to grow stronger after spending time off of it, and I am beginning to see what God is teaching me through this whole experience. I will never let things just go, I look for God in all things and wait for His lessons through them. I want no days to be wasted, no experiences to be void of His influence. I figure, this is what I am here for--to learn, and when the learning is done, I will be taken home. I am an enthusiastic student!!

What am I learning?
What will I have gained from this experience?
Is there a lesson here?

Just last night we watched a movie. It was a movie that I have avoided since it came out. I had no desire to see it, but was recently told by my brother that I should. That it was time. When I questioned him as to why, he told me that God told him it was time that I watch it. He loaned us the video, and we headed off in our RV.

I trusted my brother, but I still was not so sure I wanted to view it. The movie is called, "A Walk to Remember" and it is the story of an 18 year old girl who dies of Leukemia. A girl with a great faith in God. This hits so close to home.

I have avoided movies like this. I also don't watch hospital shows with dying children, and I avoid anything filled with violence and sadness. They were just not what I needed since Phil died, and I knew it. The pain that I was feeling was far too intense to inflict more pain into the open wound.

It reminds me of that old joke about going to the doctor. You tell the doctor, "It hurts when I do this" and the doctor says, "Well, then don't do that."

It hurt too much to watch certain things, to do certain things, and so, I just didn't do it. Period.

Was it time? Really? I still wondered, and so I asked God to let me know when to watch this tape. A couple of days went by, and still, it sat there. Then, as we were sitting here in the desert of Borrego Springs, CA, a thunderstorm moved in. Torrential rains poured down, and it seemed that God was saying, "movie time." We put the tape in. (Jim told me later it was raining so hard that the signal from the satellite was blocked by the raindrops. We couldn't have watched normal TV if we had wanted to.)

Fear set in as the movie started. I could feel it. I didn't want to find out the girl was sick. I didn't want to watch her reaction to it, and the reaction of those around her. I didn't want to see her life start to fade away, to watch her die. It was strange because I didn't want it to happen, and yet I knew that was what the movie was all about. It was sort of like watching a suspense thriller, knowing that the bad guy was going to jump out at any minute!

So I waited, and I prayed about the fear I felt. I wanted to face these fears, this avoidance. Perhaps if it continued on any longer, it would hinder the healing process, not help it. If it was time, this needed to be done.

The movie played out, the girl revealed she was ill to her boyfriend, and she did die...and it didn't kill me. It caused some tears, it made my heart ache for what I have lost, but it was okay. There was no need to fear, to be locked in a prison of avoidance because it "hurts when I do that."

As we were touring the desert around Borrego Springs today, I begin to think about this movie, about my knee, and slowly God wove the pieces of this puzzle together. He showed me how over the last couple of weeks, certain movements with my knee hurt. Every time I tried to use it like I normally would, I was slowing down the healing process. It needed rest, not activity, but I abused it and gave it no time, no sympathy, and continued to use it as if it weren't "broken." I found that it was not healing.

With Phil's death, the pain was so great I knew that I had to guard my broken heart. To limit the activities. I could not move like I normally would, or it would slow down the healing process. I had to baby my heart and let God nurture it, and allow it time to heal. It needed not only prayer, but time. If I would not give it that, I would have to deal with the consequences.

Emotional and spiritual healing take time and prayer. If our emotions and our spirits are not given that time, the pain will continue on longer than necessary. Possibly forever. If we do not slow down and let the natural healing process take place, but instead continue on as if nothing is "broken," we will have to deal with the consequences eventually.

Just today, I started to notice the strength returning to my knee. The twisting did not seem to bother it as before. The uphill and downhill became easier. The rest was doing it good.

And just last night, I noticed that what I had been "resting from" in movies and other things, now was not so necessary. The strength that God has filled me with is healing my heart, so that even more barriers of protection can be dropped. My broken heart can be stretched out a bit further, and soon I won't have a noticeable "limp."

But then, I questioned God, why?
Yes, riding along I dared to ask God why is this even necessary?
Can I ask you that this time God?
Why must the healing be slow, and not immediate?
Why must we wait through the pain instead of You just taking it away quickly?

He reminded me of what I have been reading the last couple of weeks in Romans 5. Especially where it says in verse three, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to endure."

But why do we need to learn to endure God?

Because Verse four says that "endurance develops strength of character in us--."

But why do we need character God?

The second half of Verse four says, "character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation."

And what God has taught me through these verses is that when we suffer, we learn to endure. With endurance, we are taught to have a character that will not waver in difficulties. And with that non-wavering character, we are not blown about by the strongest winds of doubt and fear. We can stand steadfast and expect to see our salvation, no matter how long we must wait or how difficult life gets.

These are hard lessons learned. They take time, and if God were to heal our hearts immediately, or even our knees from motorcycle accidents, we would never learn to endure by resting in Him. This is not to say that God does not heal some miraculously on the spot, but even those people have probably had their time of learning to endure.

God wants us to develop strength of character in us because we need that in this world. There is far too much going on around us to distract us from what we believe. We are far too easily swayed away from the truth if we have not been set on a firm foundation. He knows this life seems long sometimes. He knows it is difficult for us. He wants to helps us through it.

In verse five of Romans 5 it says, "this expectation will not disappoint us." When this world passes away, we will not be disappointed. The only ones who will be disappointed are those who have veered away from the truth because of their lack of character. They will have lost their confident expectation of salvation and will be running scared. They will be susceptible to the enemy's attack. Is God not doing us a favor by teaching us to endure through all our problems and trials? Does our Father in heaven not know what is really best for us? I truly believe He does and how after a time, that confidence is gained and healing does take place.

Did God have me get a motorcycle and crash it to teach me these lessons? I don't know, but I know that whatever happens, I am willing to learn from it. Just last night I was able to watch a movie that I have avoided since Phil's death, and just today my knee seemed to be getting better for the very first time. I have babied my heart since Phil died to be able to get to this point. I have avoided doing things that would deliberately hurt it, since the Doctor would say, "don't do it then." And with my knee, I abused it and didn't baby it until the time came when I really had no choice. It was not going to heal unless I rested what needed to be rested. God's ways of healing can be quick, or it can be slow, and I believe in part it depends on our cooperation with Him in how we choose to deal with it. Will we pick up the Bible, and search Him out? Will we pray to Him daily and ask for His help and forgiveness when times are tough? Will we rest? Or will we push our way through those emotions of hurt and pain and act like nothing is broken--only to cause the healing to slow way down and perhaps never be complete until we leave this earth?

I know God is healing my heart. I think today my knee is also on the road to recovery and I am thankful for both. Problems and trials are never what we want, but sometimes they are exactly what we need to give us the character God desires us to have so that we can be confident in our salvation!

Praise be to God!

Living in His peace and joy,
Diane