To Speak, or Not to Speak

11/23/2005

...that was the question. Not exactly in those words, of course, but I was asked if I would share my testimony at church, a testimony on the power of God’s Holy Spirit. There would have been a time when my immediate reaction and my almost immediate response would have been:

"No, I can’t possibly do that. Speak in front of a crowd? That’s way out of my comfort zone...I just can’t, sorry."

That’s the answer I gave to my sister eleven years ago when she asked if I would read something at her wedding...there was just no way. That’s the answer I would have given to anyone in the past, but not these last few years, and not now, certainly...not after all that God has done...not after I know what the power of the God’s Holy Spirit can do in our lives--I knew the only thing I needed to do now was to pray and ask God what He would have me do about giving my testimony, and so I did.

What was His answer? He quickly reminded me of what I had just read in my quiet time with Him... "Never choose to be a worker, but when God has put His call on you, woe be to you if you turn to the right hand or to the left." (My Utmost...O. Chambers, Oct. 25th) There was my answer--so without hesitation I told those that had asked me, that I would do it! Then I went back to work, being that I do work right in the church office.

I was filled with a sense of excitement. The 4th anniversary of Phil’s arrival in heaven was quickly approaching. In fact, it would be the day after I spoke. It seemed to be in God’s perfect timing that I share of God’s power in healing a broken heart. The church we attend had done a video after Phil died where I talked about prayer. It was played in our church service in the Spring of 2002, and there were plans to play a part of that tape, and then I would come onto the stage and bring our church body up to date on what God has been doing in our lives. What an awesome opportunity God was giving me to share of His goodness! I asked for prayer from many who knew me in preparation for this time. They were faithful, and I could sense that covering as the day approached!

I asked God how I could communicate His Holy Spirit to those in attendance, and He seemed to be saying, "Tell them about Hope." Of course! That’s exactly it! If I could do nothing else on that day, I could tell them about God’s Hope! That would be easy! That’s what kept, and keeps me going...that’s what we all need in our darkest times! Hope! Yes, Hope!

At our church, we have three services each Sunday morning. I have spoken at a couple other functions in the past, but never three times in a row on a Sunday morning. I wondered how that would be?

In prayer and quietness I sought God’s direction, and I wrote out what might be some good things to share about what it has meant to me to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit. How in my mourning, after Phil died, I could barely breathe as the grief overwhelmed me--and I would retreat into a time of prayer as God became the air that I would breathe. And how the Holy Spirit would help to diminish the pain in my heart and fill me with the Hope of a future where I would see my son again. I wrote of how we did the song "Mourning Into Dancing" at Phil’s memorial service, and although I sang the words, I could scarcely believe they would ever be true in my own life. There was so much I could share, but what would God have me share on that day...and how? If I were to speak on the power of the Holy Spirit, then I knew I must trust that same Holy Spirit to speak through me on that day...three times in a row, without any notes, allowing Him to change anything at any time, depending on who might be listening. I had to be faithful to that call. I think I made the programming team just a bit nervous, wondering if I might get carried away and take the first service into the next and the next...if you have been reading my writings you certainly know I’m not short on words!!

The members of the council were amazed when they saw
the boldness of Peter and John, for they could see that they
were ordinary men who had had no special training. They
also recognized them as men who had been with Jesus.
Acts 4:13 (NLT)

I hope the programming team recognized me as someone who has spent time with Jesus. They must have, to have even asked me to speak on this subject, on this day...and I was excited to see what our Lord would do...they were probably praying "God" would be brief! I was praying God would show up and do His thing because otherwise I’d be up on stage in front of hundreds of people...speechless!

As the day approached, instead of getting more nervous, my excitement grew! I wondered what was up with me? I didn’t even know myself anymore, and even those that I was working with said I was, "giddy." I had to admit that I was, and then in my readings I came across scripture talking about being filled with the Holy Spirit, drunk on the Holy Spirit, how the Apostles were accused of being drunk when they were baptized with the Holy Spirit, but since it was before 9 a.m., they couldn’t possibly be.

What was God up to? I believe He knew He had a "gift" waiting for me, one that would bring me great pleasure, and He couldn’t wait to "deliver" it! I think my Father was excited too! He even sent me a new outfit to wear, via my best friend. As I shopped for a new pair of pants, and even found some boots to go with them, she shopped for a top for me...unbeknownst to me. When it arrived, it matched perfectly with the pants I had bought, and I was set...the amazing thing is, she was in Nebraska! Is God good, or what? Included with my new top was a card, which said, "I pray His hope fills your heart and mind today." God was putting all the pieces together!

I was walking by faith into unknown territory--attempting to tell my story in front of a great "crowd of witnesses," and as the day got closer, I continued to pray and stay focused on what God might have planned. On reading my devotional that very Sunday morning, it said "All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear! It ought to be an absolute paean (song of joyful praise) of perfectly irrepressible, triumphant belief." (O. Chambers, Nov. 13th)

That Oswald, he doesn’t pull any punches! He says it like it is, I believe, because he lived it like it is! That’s what I desire in my own life...to know God like that. To have a faith like that. To not fear what I have always feared, because Jesus has so transformed my way of being me that it’s not about me anymore, it’s all about Him! I am finding out that the only way of even coming close to my life being all about Jesus, and not all about me, is to abandon myself to Him more and more each day...and if I live until I’m 100 years old, I will have only scratched the surface of truly knowing Him and trusting Him as I should in this flesh that I live in.

At last, Sunday morning came and God was ever faithful. The video began to play and I saw myself up on the screen, teary eyed, broken, talking about prayer and saying good-bye to Phil...I made my way onto the stage, took a seat on a stool and began to speak...and the Holy Spirit filled me with the words needed to share of His great power, of the Hope we have in our Lord, of the ways of His healing, and of His goodness. My knees were not shaking, I was calm and felt so thankful to be able to return home to our church family here and bring them words of Hope and Joy after all they have watched our family go through these last four-plus years.

By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see
and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the
faith that comes through him that has given this complete
healing to him, as you can all see.
Acts 3:16 (NIV)

God is so amazing! He knew the plans He had for us—we did not. He knew the people we would become—we did not. He knew when that video was made almost four years ago it would be used as the "before picture," and then He would bring us home for the "after picture,"—we did not. God put it all together, and said, just show up, I’ll do the rest. Just trust in Me, I’ll be with you always, just wait and see, I have a surprise for you!

Simply Amazing!!

When Peter and John healed the crippled beggar at the temple gate, "people saw him walking and praising God, they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him." (Acts 3:9-10 NIV)

I don’t know how many might have been filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to me, and to Jim who was playing percussion with the band on this Sunday in church, but I know I was filled with wonder and amazement! This was not me up there on this day; this was the Holy Spirit in me, enabling me to speak out boldly for Him! This was not me, because I know me. I was the shy girl in class who couldn’t even raise her hand to answer a question...even if she was certain of the answer...everyone might turn and look. I was the painfully shy young woman who dated a young man (Jim) for almost two years before his mom even heard me speak much more than a "hello" and a "good-bye." I was the mother of three, and a long-time Christian who attended a Bible Study and could not even join in on the conversation with the group of eight to ten women at a table to talk about our Lord. That’s the me I know, but God knew something more, and He wanted to show me what that was!

So, God called on me, and I didn’t "turn to the right hand or to the left." And as Oswald Chambers went on to say, "He will do with you what He never did with you before the call came; He will do with you what he is not doing with other people. Let Him have His way." (Oct. 25, My Utmost...)

I don’t know what God is doing with other people, but I know it’s amazing and wonderful because I know what He is doing with me is amazing and wonderful. He is taking the person I knew, the one who has been lied to by the enemy for years about what I should and shouldn’t do, what I can and can’t do, and God is changing all that. He is bringing the reality of 2 Cor. 5:17 true in my life, which states, "If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." (KJ) What tremendous hope!

I was the crippled beggar waiting to be healed, but I didn’t even know I was crippled, I thought I was just being me—that this was the way God made me, and I was stuck with it, like it or not. Shyness is painful, but it was a pain that I had just learned to live with, and thought I would carry to my grave. But when I let God "have His way" with me, there was a miracle waiting, a gift, that I didn’t even know was coming!

...For the man who was miraculously healed was over forty years old." Acts. 4:22 (NIV)

I got up Monday morning, on the fourth anniversary of Phil’s homegoing, the day after I had shared my testimony in church, and I walked out into our kitchen...which is not far since we live in an RV! I said to Jim, "I’m not shy anymore. I’m almost 49 years old, and for the first time in my life I can no longer say that I am shy!" It seemed that God had a gift waiting for me, because that realization hit me as I was getting ready for work that morning, and I felt so FREE!

My whole life I have lived as a prisoner in a cage called shyness. I didn’t really even realize it was a cage, I just called it me, how I am, but that was not true. God had been slowly, step-by-step, setting me free from that lie, and with one final act of submission, stepping up and speaking out boldly for Him for three services, on stage, with no script and being filled with the power He gave me to do it, the door swung open and I was set free. Not by my own doing, not by making up my own mind, but by a miracle of God!

Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants
to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your
hand and heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders
through the name of your holy servant Jesus.
Acts. 4:29-30 (NIV)

That’s what God had done.
I am not bold, but I am when God’s power fills me!
I am not willing to step on any stage and speak, but I am when God’s power fills me!
I am not comfortable sharing of His great love, but I am when God’s power fills me!
I am not ready to walk into the rest of my life without my youngest son, but I am when God’s power fills me!

You have shown me the way of life, and you
will give me wonderful joy in your presence.
Acts 2:28 (NLT)

There is joy in the presence of our Lord. There are still, to this day, amazing miracles happening all around us! God is busy at work, in each and every heart, wanting our full attention, our total abandonment, our complete obedience...why? Because, He loves us so very much, He wants nothing less for us!! The enemy is out to lie, steal, cheat, destroy, and then abandon us in our weakness. The enemy will deceive, corrupt, squash, cripple, and ruin us if we allow him to...and he’s good at it! We will go looking for other ways of being healed, of being helped...we will reach out for other things we think will satisfy, or we will hide like I did behind shyness, but like the crippled beggar at the gate of the temple, God still offers us, to this day, what He offered that man on that day through Peter and John, "In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." (Acts 3:6b NIV)

I wasn’t walking...I was limping through life, a cripple, and not even aware that there was a cure available. And like my son, Phil’s, t-shirt used to say as it displayed a picture of a cross, "It’s not medicine, it’s the cure." God had a healing in store for me, even beyond what I could imagine. I got up last Sunday to share a message of Hope through the power of the Holy Spirit, to share about the power of God that is available to heal a shattered heart, and I believe God enabled me to do that...but what I didn’t know was that God had plans beyond even that. He wanted to show me a new way of life, a new way to live, and a new freedom that can only be found in Him!

Many said the Sunday morning service on the Holy Spirit was a powerful one—that it was moving, that it was hopeful...should it be anything else? "After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." (Acts:4:31 NIV) What else is there to be this excited about? When God can shake a room and cause us to speak boldly about Him when we have never done so before—there is some power, some force, some supernatural something going on, and we need to pay attention! We need to not dismiss it as anything other than what it is, God at work in this world, trying to get our attention, wanting us so to be healed in Jesus’ name, that we are able to "walk" through each day of our lives filled with His hope!

God is Hope!
He is all we have, and He is more than enough!
I thought I knew that, but that’s the awesome thing about our Lord, He continually surprises us with new ways of seeing things. Just when we think we’ve reached some understanding of what He is all about, of how great He is and how wonderfully He cares for us, He goes above and beyond even that! We think we’re doing one thing, and we can’t even come close to knowing all that God is actually doing in our lives!

Thank you, once again, for letting me share the path I’m on with all of you. My prayer is that in something I write, in something God has brought me through—and sometimes it can be very painful—you will find Hope in your own circumstances. If God can take a shattered heart and fill it with hope for what is yet to come, or take a painful shyness and dissolve it into a boldness for Him, I truly believe God can do anything!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope
by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 NLT

Praising Him,
Diane