How-deee!

Wednesday, 13 Feb 2002

Yes, I'm back! Been to the Grand Ole Opry, twice! Once for the old-timers, once for some new-timers. Both enjoyable, in different ways. The second night we went was a fund-raiser put on by Joe Diffe. It was called One Step, and helps support kids who are a bit behind. I believe he has a retarded child, and so that is where his passion is. Good music, and a good night. Wynona was even there and who should join her but her mother Naomi. She is a walking miracle from what I know, having had Hepatitis and quitting her singing career, now completely cured. It was fun to see them back on stage as mother and daughter.

It's late for me here tonight, since I am still on Nashville time, but of course I feel like writing. I wonder what though...I've written while I was gone but those pages will probably go into the book. E-mails are separate from that most times it seems.

Did I have a good time? Well, yes I did, as a matter of fact. Was it difficult? Well, yes it was, as a matter of fact. Had I not been with such a good friend who understood that, I'm not sure how I would have done. What's so difficult? Well...it's hard to pin down because it's everything and nothing at the same time. It's every song I hear, it's every blue rose I see, it's every meal I eat, it's every young boy I see, it's every mother caring for her child, it's every conversation I have that would lead to Phil, and yet...he has never been to Nashville. How could he be there at every turn?...because, he is. He is with me every second of every day, no matter what and I can't escape that by flying across the county and leaving his memories behind me. It just doesn't seem to work that way. At least, not for me. He was so much a part of every day I lived, that everything I do, has a piece of his memory in it.

Like going to the Grand Ole Opry Mall, it is HUGE! Every store imaginable, even...Hilo Hatties! That is where we bought our Hawaiian shirts when we took the boys to Hawaii last April. Yes, in Nashville! Anyone need a Hawaiian shirt? I walked around the mall a bit, leaving my friend to do some clothes shopping which is not my favorite thing. Then we met up again, and she asked if I was ready to go....more than ready. By the time I got back to the hotel my emotional gas tank was on empty, in the red zone. I felt shaky, needing to refuel desperately, which is exactly what I did. You'd be surprised what an hour with God and His word can do for an empty emotional tank. It was never more evident to me than it was on this trip. At home, I have learned to adjust, or maybe I've learned what to avoid, or maybe I'm just through a lot of the firsts here, but on the road, in a new place, it is a constant flow of "firsts" that need to be faced, and it drains all tanks and reserves more quickly than you would imagine. We kidded that we did not drive very far in our rental car, only needing a small amount of gas when we got ready to leave to fill up the tank, but I laugh because "I" refueled so many times while we were there. I asked my friend how can having fun be so hard? I don't think either one of us had the answer to that question. I only know that it was, and I only know that she understood it enough to help me thought it!

I would dive into the Psalms, reading of David's struggles, where he was asking God for mercy and for help and for strength, and finding it all right there. He received it, and so did I!

I would read Psalms like 86:1-4

Hear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

Or down farther where it says:

Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant....for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

and further...

For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, I was a pitiful sight! Drinking in God's word so I could keep having fun. Crazy, isn't it? But true! I wanted to have fun, I really did. I wanted to enjoy this vacation like so many in the past, but my heart was stretched way beyond where it has ever gone before. I was out there, walking through this grief of only 13 weeks, not on my own strength, but only on the strength that God provided. Oh, I could have done it on my own, perhaps. Some do, or attempt to. But why? Why not retreat to my room, open God's word and let Him fill my tank to overflowing. Why not ask Him for that help, and receive it? That is what He promised us. That is what I was seeking. I found it.

Was it work? Yes, it was, but well worth it.

As I read down further in Psalm 89:1-2

I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself.

and verse 15-17

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord. They rejoice in your name all day long; they exult in your righteousness. For you are their glory and strength...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is what I was searching for. That is what I found. This whole grieving issue is difficult beyond description. The missing that I feel for Phil...there are no words really, and even if I tried to explain it, just that alone would be longer than my longest e-mail ever...which would be long!!! It, the grief, the sadness, is with me everywhere, all the time, and even more evident if I think for a moment that I can escape it by leaving home for a bit. It just doesn't work! The only thing that works is to work at it, to pray about it, and ask for all the help I can get from God who provides everything we need. To take that time, to stop, drop and roll as I have described in earlier e-mails and let God help me back up on my feet again, however many times in the day it is needed, wherever I am.

Phil was never in Nashville, he was never at the Grand Ole Opry, he was never even in the state of Tennessee, but he has been there now, because he travelled there in my heart. I took him there, I left memories of him there, and when I return there some day, I will find him there. I will find him there in the memories of the wounded heart that I took there with me this time. I will find him in the progress that I will have made when I travel there again, hopefully not needing to refuel every few hours to just keep walking. I will be glad for that progress, I know that. I will remember when my grief was just in its baby stages and when it was so hard. I will remember that first vacation trip and having to come home to his empty bedroom still sitting as he left it. I will remember the sign on the front door for me today, put there by younger Jimm saying "Welcome Home Mom, We missed you!", and I will remember thanking God for all the blessings in my life. I will remember sitting in church on my first night back with both boys there with me, and my sister and her husband, Jim working in the tech booth, and friends all around and being grateful for all those who surround me.

Yes, I had to stop, drop and roll when I got back to California. I was out of gas, once again. I stopped in at the ole fillin' station, read the Psalms and asked God to help me face the fact that Phil was not here to welcome me home, that he never will be again, but that he will welcome me "home" someday. Maybe he will have a sign that says "Welcome Home Mom, I've missed you", maybe....probably not, because there are no tears in heaven. Just tears in Nashville, and just tears in airports and just tears all over this world, but this world is not our home, we are only passin' through!

1 Timothy 4:8
For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in training for the life to come. The life I live here sure is painful at times, but it will be worth it when the door to eternity swings wide open and Phil is waiting there to greet me. It will all be worth it, as this trip was. It's all part of the preparation. All part of the enjoyment. All part of the pain.

Good-night for now! I'm tired!

I don't doubt there will be more to come about this trip, if you're willing to listen!

Love, Diane