You Cannot Drink Grapes

10/08/2005

“You cannot drink grapes.” Those words jumped right off the page when I read them in “My Utmost For His Highest,” Oswald Chambers’ daily devotional.

We’re the grapes…we’re the ones being picked, crushed, filtered, aged, tested and eventually poured out as a drink offering. One day we could be basking in the warm sunshine, enjoying life and all it contains, and then…everything we know of life is changed in an instant…we are picked to become a drink offering and our lives are never the same again.

I remember the day before our son was diagnosed with Leukemia like it was yesterday…we were living in Germany at the time, and I was spending the day with a friend. We had driven to a wonderful out-door Café in the heart of Bavaria. The weather was beautiful, being the end of May, and the sun was so inviting as we enjoyed our lunch together. Among all the things we talked about on that day, one was the fact that Phil just didn’t seem to be getting over the flu that had plagued all three of our boys. Something needed to be done, and if he was not better by the next day, I would be taking him to the doctor to see what was wrong…my life as a “grape” basking in the sunshine was about to end.

The next morning Phil came into my bedroom, still not feeling well and the evidence that something was amiss was right there, his jaw was swollen like someone who has the mumps. No need for further thought or discussion, we would be heading to the doctor. I remember our oldest son, Jimm, as he left for school that day. He said, “Mom, it isn’t cancer, is it?” I surely didn’t think so…I thought perhaps it was anemia because of how pale Phil had become…

“How is the soil? Is it fertile or poor?
Are there many trees? Enter the land
boldly, and bring back samples of the crops
you see.” (It happened to be the season for
harvesting the first ripe grapes.)
Numbers 13: 20 (NLT)

After I sent our other two sons off to school that day, an appointment was made to take Phil into the clinic on our base. (Jim had a job as a private contractor on a military base at the time.) I made a list of all the symptoms Phil seemed to be experiencing and I put the list in my pocket. If the doctor were to tell me it was nothing to worry about, go home and give it more time, I was going to pull my list out and explain all the reasons why I thought it was something…I didn’t need the list.

The first doctor we saw on base sent us on to a hospital in a larger town where it was becoming very clear that something was very wrong. We were told that Phil probably had a Blutkrankeit, which translated means “blood sickness.” We were not sure exactly what that meant until we were then sent to an even larger hospital in Munich where blood “samples” were taken and tested…it was there that we first heard the word “Leukemia.”

It was our “season for harvesting.” For whatever reason, one out of 440,000 children will get Leukemia, and our precious child was one of them…Phil said he would rather have won the lottery. Our hearts were being “stomped” on, and yet we still had no idea the amount of crushing that was to come in our lives.

As we sat with the doctor in Munich, in his office late that night, I remember so well how he looked at our family business card that Jim had given him--one that we had made up for fun that listed all our names…he looked up at us from the card and said, “You seem like a very strong family…you will get through this.”

Was he saying our “soil” was “fertile?” That there were many trees? Enter this time boldly…to tell you the truth, I didn’t know what he was saying. I remember thinking, “Get through what?” I didn’t have a clue what this meant in our lives yet…we were newly picked grapes, suddenly thrust into the crushing machine--the night seemed so dark and the warmth of the sun from the day before already seemed to be in the distant past…

We returned to our home that night, as our son spent the night in a large hospital in Munich. We were told to return the next morning at 9:30 a.m. That is when the parents were “allowed” to visit their children…Phil did not speak German and although the nurses were very kind and his care was all it should have been, it must have been completely overwhelming for a 10-year-old boy. We knew one thing, if nothing else, we would be flying him home to be in a children’s hospital in California as soon as possible. His comfort was our first concern; all the other things that needed to be taken care of would come after that.

You may be wondering why I am going back, way back, to the beginning, sharing once again this story of the journey we have been on for the past 9 years now…perhaps because there are times when we must look back and see what God has done. Things that cannot be seen during the “harvesting” season when the picking, the crushing, the filtering, the aging and all the testing runs together…everything that must transpire before we are able to be poured out like a drink offering.

Remember, “You cannot drink grapes.”

But even if my life is to be poured out like a drink offering
to complete the sacrifice of your faithful service (that is, if I am to
die for you), I will rejoice, and I want to share my joy with all of you.
And you should be happy about this and rejoice with me.
Philippians 2:17-18 (NLT)

This is tough stuff!! This is the hardest stuff that we must face in life because this could mean our physical death, not to mention dying to ourselves—to our desires, and we don’t like that!! Phil’s life was poured out like a drink offering in faithful service to the point of death…and we are to rejoice and share in that joy now, dying to ourselves and our desires to have our child close to us always?!! Come on now…can’t we just remain on the vine and bask in the warmth of the sun? If you’d asked me nine years ago what my choice would have been for our family, I’d have chosen the sun!! To remain a grape! But God, in all His wisdom said, “No, choose my Son, and experience the benefits I am producing through this.”

That’s why there are times when we must take a long look back, not just to yesterday or the day before, or even last year or four years ago, but back to the beginning of a harvesting season in our lives. Back to where we were in our walk with God then, what was happening in our family, where our priorities were at the time when we were picked, chosen to walk a difficult path, and see what benefits have been produced in all that has taken place. We are too quick to want a way of escape when troubles come, to long for yesterday when everything seemed easier…and yet God calls us to travel the long, long journey with Him and Trust Him with our hearts through the crushing blows that come our way. “God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with.” (O. Chambers)

Upon returning home from the hospital in Munich that first day of leaving our lives as “grapes,” I emptied my pockets onto the dresser in our room. There was the list of all Phil’s symptoms, “paleness, lack of energy, low-grade fever, weight loss, etc…” It was all there, all the symptoms that accompany the diagnosis of Leukemia and yet I had missed it for so very long. I kept excusing it as other things, the flu he had had, a bit of anemia from that, an infection he had been battling…I really had no idea of the plans God had for our future. I still don’t!

Just as there are many different types of grapes, there are an even a larger variety of the types of “drink offerings” that can come from them. In the same way, no two lives are the same, our experiences can be similar, we can share in many of the ways of God along the way, but each set of circumstances is unique. I share this one with all of you in the hopes that this particular experience of going from a “grape” into the “winepress” during this particular season of our lives, will be an encouragement on your own journey. If I can help you to see that the crushing blows in our lives do benefit us in our walk with God, perhaps that is the purpose of my drink offering to you on this day.

Please don’t let all of this get us confused with remaining attached to the vine as talked about in John 15:5, “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.”

We are the grapes on the branches, attached to the vine. Without the Vine, Jesus Christ, we cannot grow. He is our nourishment and our strength. When we are “harvested,” it is for His purpose. There are seasons in our lives when harvesting and even painful pruning are a part of the growing process to make us even more fruitful. Times when the Gardener comes by and must attend to the vineyard to make sure it is producing all that it can to benefit all of God’s children.

I would have chosen to skip all that, the pruning, the harvesting, and to remain there on the vine in the warm sunshine all of my days…but what would have eventually happened? I would have shriveled up and died right there on the branch…my usefulness as a “grape” never coming to fruition, my purpose for being created never to be seen…I would have remained stagnate and eventually dropped off the branch onto the ground into the dust, missing all the great things of God that continue to come out of our time of being harvested, crushed, filtered, aged and tested--until this particular “drink offering” was of greatest use for the Kingdom of God.

The Vine remains; It is strong and sturdy as It continues to produce new branches full of new grapes through the years. The Vine’s job, so to speak, is to be the one steady force in our lives, the place we’ve come from, where our roots go down deep into the rich soil and the fruit that is produced benefits all of God’s children, in this life and future generations.

After the picking, and the crushing, which comes in stages and with different challenges along the way, all that we learn and grow through is filtered little by little into different ways of being useful in the Kingdom. The bitterness that can ruin the drink offering must be filtered out. The anger at what has happened must be sifted through and brought to a point of resolution with our God. The acceptance of this path we are on and where it is leading us can start to become clearer as the filtering clarifies God’s purpose as to why we might have been picked in the first place--what gifts have we been given that can be now used to present this drink offering in a way that can best glorify God? The years will move on, and with the passing of time the drink offering will have a chance to rest. At long last, a sweet aroma will emerge when the heart is opened up, revealing God’s great healing power. What pours out after years of God’s diligent work on our soul will be very different than the original grape that was picked…very, very different.

O. Chambers goes on to say, “Keep right with God and let Him do what He likes, and you will find that He is producing the kind of bread and wine that will benefit His other children.” (Sept. 30th in “My Utmost...”)

I remember when we flew Phil back to the United States and checked him into the Children’s Hospital in Fresno, California. He was there for ten days, starting his initial chemotherapy treatments and we were given a glimpse of what our future held…lots and lots of doctors and treatments and tough days. I remember saying to my parents as we left the hospital one night, “It’s not over until the fat nurse sings…” Why I would remember such a silly way of putting it, all these years later, I don’t know, but some things just remain there in our memories…

I was a newly picked grape, as was Phil and all the rest of our family through this ordeal. I write about my personal experience, but I know they have their own stories to tell about the changes in their lives through the years because of this season of harvesting.  None of us were pleased with “letting God do what He liked.” We wanted God to change His mind on this one, to let us go free, to heal our son, our nephew, our brother, our grandson, our friend…we all would rather have won the lottery, believe me!!

Interesting that we had returned to the land of grape vineyards there in Fresno--grapes and fig trees where a normal part of our growing up years in the San Joaquin Valley. “The fig trees are budding, and the grapevines are in blossom. How delicious they smell!! Yes, spring is here!” Song of Songs 2:13 (NLT)

It was Spring all right, but we were not enjoying it very much! What faced us was beyond our comprehension; the coming years would teach us many things about letting God do what He liked in our lives. Phil just wanted to get out of the hospital and get to his Bedstemor’s (Grandma’s) house so he could swim. He told me later that when he swam, he didn’t even feel sick. It was always one of his favorite things to do. I just wanted to be back in Germany, attending our oldest son, Jimm’s, High School Graduation. Husband Jim had his own wants and needs, and middle son Chris got caught up in the transition our family needed to make during this harvesting season, leaving the life he wanted behind for the life that was required to accommodate his younger brother.

Our family continued on together, through years of treatments for the leukemia, relapses that had to be faced, and decisions that needed to be made…prayers were ever present and God’s plan unfolded before us through all the ups and downs, good times and tough times…living with cancer became the norm at our house as did living each day with a clearer focus on God.

Did it take cancer in our family to teach us what is most important in life?
It certainly set us on a new path with new priorities…

Did it take Phil’s eventual trip Home to Heaven to keep us on that path?
It certainly has thus far…

Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only
about things down here on earth. For you died
when Christ died, and your real life is hidden
with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:2-3 (NLT)

So what does all of this have to do with becoming a drink offering, poured out wine…it has to do with the fact that, “You cannot drink grapes.” As Oswald Chambers goes on to say, “Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed.”

Without the process, the trials and the fires and the tests and the challenges of life, there would be a great thirst in the land…the hillsides might look beautiful with the clusters of grapes hanging on the vine, but what good would they do? “Beauty is only skin deep,” so it’s said, but wine can get into the bloodstream… As children of God, we need to be the drink offering that brings the refreshment of our Lord to a dry and thirsty land.

God wants to be flowing through the veins of His people. He wants every part of Who He is to be every part of who we are. He wants us to “Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, let the Holy Spirit fill and control you.” Ephesians 5:16-18 (NLT)

See, that’s what we were missing way back when…back nine plus years ago when this story began--we weren’t making the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days. We were nowhere close to trying to understand what the Lord wanted us to do. We definitely had more of our share of wine than we ever had our share of letting the Holy Spirit fill us and control us. We were believers wandering around this world not fully aware of our God and how totally and wonderfully magnificent He is! He needed to get our attention, to pluck our little grapes off the vine and press down hard…and it hurt, and we weren’t happy about it and we would have slipped away if we could have…but He pressed down even harder…and we became very aware of the fact that there is more to this life than basking in the warm sunshine on a beautiful Spring day enjoying all the fruits of His labor, but not being a part of it.

Oh, we tried to be kind and good and do all the right things…we weren’t bad people, we were just busy people, doing our own thing, having our own way, making our own plans. We believed in God and we knew His Son had died for our sins, but to be controlled by the Holy Spirit? That really wasn’t for us, until God pressed down so hard on our world one day that there was no way of escape…we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we NEEDED Him to save us! We needed the filling of the Holy Spirit to give us strength and guidance as never before!

I remember my day of surrender very well…I was in the oncology clinic with Phil, now in Oakland, California. Phil had just relapsed and we were back in for more treatments. I wandered into the hallway and looked over the brochures there on the wall…what I read changed forever my view of God. After all the years of struggle, all my years of independent thinking, of the “can do” attitude that possessed me, I knew what faced us now was solely in the Hands of God. The brochure I read that day said that Phil’s “chances” for recovery were very slim. With every “i” dotted and every “t” crossed, there still was no guarantee that any treatment on this earth would cure our son. I slowly walked back into Phil’s treatment room, sat down and surrendered not only my life, but also the life of our son to the Lord. I submitted to God’s eternal plan, and the “grape” that had been plucked off the vine for harvesting would never be the same.

As I wrote in one of our songs:

Same is not an option / I understand that now
You work to change hearts / here’s mine…please show me how

Did life suddenly get easier? Was Phil instantly cured because of my surrendered heart? No, to both those questions. Becoming a Christian, or fully surrendering a heart at last to God does not guarantee us an easy life. What it does guarantee us is a life that pleases our Lord. It is the beginning of becoming His drink offering to a thirsty world. Once again O. Chambers says, God “rivets us with a pain that is terrific to one thing we never dreamed of, and for one radiant flashing moment we see what He is after, and we say—‘Here am I, send me.’” (Sept. 30th)

In that moment of surrender, the fight is gone from us, the will of God is submitted to and we are ready to begin to help in the real battle of this world--allowing the Holy Spirit to flow through us with His Hope of eternal salvation to lost souls--we are enlisted into the service of our Lord on the day of our surrender.

Our lives will go on, many will not even notice that our battle has changed. It still looked to the world that we were battling Leukemia with our son, fighting to save his earthly life, and we were, but ultimately, this world was not our home anymore. Our goal took on an eternal perspective, and when the “fat nurse sang” after five and one-half years of cancer living in our household, that ugly disease lost its grip on our son as he left this earth for heaven. We rejoiced for him even though our hearts were broken. All that the enemy had done to try and destroy Phil was over in an instant, never to be his battle again. His life had been poured out as a drink offering, even to the point of death…and our lives were forever altered in the service for our King.

The Apostle, Paul, had a thorn in his side, one that God told Him he would not remove…”Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, ‘My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.” (2 Cor. 12:8-9 NLT)

I don’t know what Paul’s thorn was, no one really does, it is not described in the Bible, but many of us have similar thorns…I would describe mine as “missing.” When my heart tugs at me, when I want to see my son and when I want to beg God for this not to be so, I am reminded of Paul’s thorn, and how God’s power worked through that weakness. I know I am very weak, weaker than I have ever been, but I also know that the power of Christ that is available to work through all of us who will acknowledge that weakness--the thorn that the enemy means for harm, God can use in a mighty way! He can make us His very own drink offering to the world around us. God does not press us down, cause us pain and anguish and suffering for no reason…He changes us through the years of suffering, aging us into a drink offering. He allows that thorn to remain in our life so the Holy Spirit can flow through that wound, offering God’s eternal Hope and Joy to a dry and dusty land.

My “thorn” continually reminds me that this is not all there is, that heaven awaits all who believe. It keeps me from thinking only about things down here…it caused me to refocus my life and for that I am grateful. Nine years have passed since the day I sat in the sun with my friend in Bavaria, enjoying the beautiful spring weather and not having a clue that the very next day our entire lives would change—that the Gardener was coming to do some pruning…

When our son, Jimm, asked me if it could be cancer…how naive I was.
Cancer happened to other people…but so did the filling of the Holy Spirit.
God had other plans…

It was time to put up the white flag of surrender and join the army of God—like the old poster from World War II with the picture of Uncle Sam on it pointing his finger, God was saying, “I Want You!”

In His Service,
Diane